January 17, 2020•413 words
It's been awhile since I published anything, I know. It's not from lack of wanting to. It's from a lack of energy. Energy that's been sapped by depression, anxiety, and just a general breakdown in my mental and emotional state.
I guess you could call it a crisis.
But rather than to go in to all the details and diagramming it out, let's just say I have been incapacitated.
I like that word. Incapacitated.
Living is hard. It's even harder when you have a mind and a psyche that you cannot control.
I thought I was doing a pretty good of controlling it by walking everyday and walking long distances at least a few times a week.
I thought I was controlling it by adhering to a strict low-carb regimen. A regimen that helped me lose weight. A regimen that made me feel better. A regimen that gave me energy.
I thought I was controlling it by doing first things first. Making my bed the first thing. Cleaning my kitchen before there was a mess. Dusting and vacuuming the house on a regular basis.
I thought I was controlling it.
But what happened was, I had the capacity to be incapacitated again. Because that is how it works when you have a mental disorder. It controls you. You never control it.
I wish I had the concentration and mental capability to explain it and myself to you. But I'm sure that some who read this will know the underlying despair and pain that an unmedicated schizo-affective, bipolar, major depressive dysthymic person endures. You are there. You know.
And I mourn with you.
And on we go.
Those who have read this blog know that I jump around quite a bit. From one thought to the next.
Why stop now?
Cactus reflection..."What’s something that surprises you about adulthood?"
My answer...That at my age, I can't thing of one thing that would surprise me. That is an unpleasant surprise.
The political and social war going on in America is really a religious war.
Churches and individuals and families are now celebrating the lives of people who carry out suicide. Have yet to see or attend a celebration of life for a survivor of such.
In the beginning
the Bible says God
I am the beginning
In the end God
I regret this
More later. There's always more later.