the kirkyard

CLIMB Climb the black From the bottom Search for sky Practice reaching And forgetting The fall Always scream When dreaming And slipping Grasp the ledge To avenge Heavy breathing Some poems don't make sense. But as long as they are nonsensical to me they're worth it. Sleep is good while suffering. A deep long sleep is even better. I slept good and late this morning. First time in a long time. Mind fog hopefully will break. I will keep moving, climbing, today. I am so ready to claim a ne...

Let's freestyle... Worst store-bought cole slaw. Walmart's. Had it with my chicken livers that I fried last night. Livers were great. More onion is the secret. There should be a law against whipped cream cheese. Still lightheaded. Still grieving. My two other boys (cats) are too. Seriously. They are. I know. I would like to get back to how I wrote starting this 100 day challenge originally. It felt real. There was somebody who posted on List that must have stopped. I miss her. Can't rememb...

My world is lonely today. Lonely wrapped in a heartache. The decision was made yesterday and Snugglepuss agreed. With his old body of flesh and bones and his head buried in the crook of my arm he purred and sang the song of goodbye, and let me know that his life had been enough. Our life together needed to become a memory. I cried. I cried harder. And then we made the drive to an office that held the elixir of death. I stayed with him as slowly the needle and its contents showed how s...

I'm afraid of opening the door to my deck this morning. No, not afraid, I don't know what the word would be. I'm hoping that Snugglepuss has given up the ghost, so to speak. It would absolve me of making the decision. I'm emotionally ragged. For those such as me, emotions are like pure bleach. At full strength they eat away at our presence or place in the world. Not that we ever had a place. Empathetic depressives exist in the world. They don't really live in it. We are on the outside looking i...

We're just waiting on death here. My best friend, my cat Snugglepuss, has been holding on. I'd like to think he doesn't want to leave me. Each day becomes a little slower. Is he in pain? I don't believe so. Of course he can't tell me. He's still eating good and drinking. Even can still jump up on the couch. But the funny thing is, I want him to die. I want him to die at home. I don't want to carry him to the vet and have him put to sleep. I feel like the executioner then. But I will not let him ...

The non-drinking morning hangover is a little less heavy this morning than usual. May be a sign the "mental fever" is breaking. Hope so. Is there any good reason at all to read Twitter? Let's face it. It's like a group of children jumping up and down with their hands in the air screaming "Choose me! Please! Choose me!" I do the same. And admit it. You do too. Our witty repartee is so special. Yeah right. Speaking of which, there is no good reason for you to be reading this. I'm not writin...

10:37. Saturday night. Light-headed. I believe I've had too much sun this summer. Haven't felt good for 2 to 3 weeks. Of course your mental state also manifests physically. I'm going with the multiple factors cause. My daughter said today that I needed to take care of my health. That I need to back off of doing things all the time for others and do some self-care. I do know that I need to shake this. Been down, physically and mentally, for too long. So I did next to nothing today. May be mor...

Yes. Yesterday was rough. Could you tell? I was in fine form. But that's me. I don't know how to smooth my rough edges. Or at the very least I don't know where the line is. Still, in this day and edge, I don't think we as a society have a line. We are told to be ourselves. I was. We are told to be authentic. I was. We are told to be or do many things. I did. I can't take any of it back. I could delete it. But I won't. I am a depressive. In case you were wondering. I don't just have depression...

A hoax. If I never hear the word "hoax" again, it won't be soon enough. It's all a hoax anyway. The I and T. Apostrophe. S. And me. And you. Hoaxed out of body. Hoaxed out of mind. The absurdity of it all. The absurdity of the universe. The absurdity of the universe having a "God". The absurdity of believing in something called a soul that breathes. Then death. Vanity of vanities. As they say. Do you despair? Truly despair? Within you do you despair that you carry a soul in safekeeping fo...

Long day. Tired day. That's what it is. Mentally tiring. It's not a long day because everyday is confined by its length. The last shall be first and the first shall be last syndrome. I'm feeling it. My memory is making up its own mind. It's not so much a fading remembrance but a jumpstarted loss of identity. I don't know who I am anymore and I can't remind myself enough. Let's write a poem. Shall we?... LAST GASP I had to learn breath that whatever I did breath worked breath for awhile br...

Been out of pocket for awhile. My laptop decided to be a bottom-feeder. I cut the line. Back in business somewhat. Received Acer computer on Friday. Yes, it was from Prime Days. Well, I've been receiving support ever since I got it. The bottom line is the bottom line.. Feel very bad for such a long stream of unpublished days. Yes I know there's an Android app. Pshaw. Have been eating some carbs. Not happy about it. Neither is my gut. Did you ever notice how sweet Wheat Thins and Ritz Cracker...

My coffee is mine and fine. MCT oil. Kroger's whole cream. Only Kroger's. Thick and gloppy. A scoop of hydrolyzed collagen peptides. Then the coffee that changes flavors according to my whim. McDonalds, not from the local McDonald's, the one in the bag. Premium roast. That's a particular favorite. Or today was my last two scoops of Walmart's hazelnut. Good good stuff. Mix it all together. There you go. Oh and if you run out of cream, butter will work. Oil that coffee up. It's good for what ails ...

The life of this crazy is a life of questioning. Every. Damn Word. Every thought. Every sentence is a question of "why did I say that?" And yes I call myself a crazy. Crazy. Because that's what it is. Most importantly, that's what I am. I know that this journal of posts is public. Well hell. Every day I'm public. I don't have anything to hide. And as my aunt would say, "I'm going to die anyway." Freestyle alert... Obsessing. The crack in the roof of mouth. Bite. Tongue. Feel. Bite. Tongue. Fe...

There is solace in solitude. I can testify to that. Sitting in silence with me as my only conversationalist is sacred. What's that? Me using the word sacred? Yes. Anything that calms me, centers me and corrects my course is sacred. Sacred is a space. A place of perfecting the inward. An outward movement to peace. A stillness. Shh. But not every moment is like that. I love to imitate the whirlwind. I love to pontificate. I live to educate. I had one of those moments today. A lot of us crazies...

Broke my streak for the days in a row. Durn. Actually I had written something yesterday and then forgot about it and forgot to post it "Freestyle!" Let's begin. Walked 6 miles. Walking is life. (Seems like I've talked about this before.) So there's that. The pressure is off. What pressure there was. I'm writing this at 11:44 p.m. on June 29th. For the record. And so to sign off...My last rite(write) by rights... "Death forgot to explain to you to live ...

My goal for tomorrow is to keep moving. That's my goal everyday. As older folks tell me, "I keep moving because once you stop and don't start again you're done." I watched the second night of the Democratic Debate. Those who are licking their chops over the idea of Kamala Harris debating Trump forget how smug Dems were picturing Hillary dismantling him too. I support Mayor Pete Buttigieg. I have since before he officially announced. I'm scared of people who are constantly yelling and pointing ...

I really don't want to write tonight. I had catfish with a friend today. That's all that really needs to be said. But I will also say that I walked to clear my mind. I walked to move me. I walked because I wanted to. This I don't. But I did. Goodnight. ...

Remind me again. I know today is the day you are to celebrate the life of Anthony Bourdain. But when do we celebrate the life of a best friend, or a member of a family, or a neighbor? If suicide gives us a day of celebration, why aren't we celebrating the ways and means of death and others' deaths also? What does it take? Is it only celebrities' deaths by their own hand that equates to a good death because they entertained and added value to our lives? If you live alone, the only meat you nee...

I almost forgot about writing a post. But here I am. Helped a friend this morning. Walked six miles. Visited a friend at the nursing home. Joined her in playing bingo. Sang "Long Lonesome Highway". It felt good. Bought a chicken finger dinner from Jack's. That is a place in the South. They include a biscuit. I eat low carb. That did me in. I also have this awful aftertaste. Oh. Also had two beers. Maybe that was it. My cat's in bed with me. He's asking for some extra attention. I am too. Ch...

Suffer the schiz Unify the polar Convulse in reality And only grow older. Halving the crazies Grow the words bolder Memory is death Ask any soldier. Love when you sleep Keep it in a folder No one believes you The grave is even colder. -Gary Kirk ...

I made my bed this morning. As usual. I walked five miles this morning. As usual. I dreamed old dreams. As usual. I finished mowing my acre and a tenth yard With my self-propelled mower. As usual. I wondered what I would do for company without my three cats, Knowing that they would survive without me. As usual. I ate tacos for a second night On the second night of the weekend. As usual. I am writing for the 27th day in a row. At the end of 100 days it may be As usual. My days are not so u...

I used to have faith and reason to grieve, and pretend that my soul would be well at the call. I used to believe in fulfilling a dream and Christopher Christ, who is now my fiend. But as my mind took hold of my soul, it began to settle, and began to be preened. It showed me the future wasn't mine to know and God didn't create the first and last scene. And now I'm blessed by not knowing all of where I began and what it should mean. -Gary Kirk ...

Stephen Colbert is close to the lousiest interviewer ever. He should do an opening monologue for an hour. A marathon monologue. I stopped watching "CBS This Morning", or CTM as they want you to call it now, about a week ago. I'm a better man for it. Does anybody really believe that almond milk tastes good? And if so, compared to what? ...Oh crap. It's getting close to midnight and I have nothing much to add. I need to come up with ideas on what to journal or blog. I think I need to make th...

Just got through watching that documentary about The Jonas Brothers, "Chasing Happiness". Don't think they've caught it. Just look at their faces as they are reunited now. Scowls. That's what I see. Scowls. And believe me, I know what a scowl is. I was born with one. Honestly, if you have seen this movie, did you feel happier at the beginning or the end? See? Told you so. The scowl gave it away. America and Americans are scowling. Happiness is an artificial construct. People are cramming as...

“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” — Buddha "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." Jesus "Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light." Dylan Thomas "Silt silent Buried in the earth. Creating a memory That upon my return will be Remembered." Gary Kirk I have been reconciling myself...

There is a black cat on the rug on the floor in front of me. He belongs to me. Actually I mean he allows me to feed him every opportunity he demands to be fed. Another cat is outside. He's a contrarian sometimes. Okay. 80% of the time. (Have you ever noticed that the dollar sign goes in front of the number amount and the percentage sign comes after the numbers? Why is that?) And my oldest man is waiting for me to get up and go to the kitchen. He is coming to the end of the last of his nine ...

Why did it surprise anyone that Sarah Huckabee Sanders was and is a liar? Her whole belief system is built upon a lie. She will attend a church service where it is expected she will hear a sermon delivering more lies that have been told long enough and often enough that the "sheep" of and to this system have shut off their reasoning and inquiry abilities in order to feel "blessed", "chosen", "saved", "called out" and "separated" from what they consider the dredge of the world who will suffer f...

Things that keep you alive: Push-mowing your 1.1 acre yard. Sitting on a deck on a Tennessee summer evening with your three cats napping away. Ground beef and riced cauliflower with seasoned brussels sprouts. Making plans for the future. Not eating potato chips all day. Making your bed first thing in the morning. Knowing that you do not think like Franklin Graham. Knowing that you like the way Pete Buttigieg thinks. Birds chirping so loud that you can't hear yourself think. Hope. Oh. ...

Your cocktail of choice is best drunk just before the sun is setting. And as the sun is setting. And as the sun has set. And after sunrise, while waiting for the sun to set. God drinks Tequila Sunrises and Rum Sunsets. Naturally. He's got all of eternity to come up with something better. He's just waiting for his first failed experiment to die out. Let me know when he gets to Courvoisier and coke, and what kind of being he forms out of salt-water taffy while on a three day bender. That shou...

I'm mentally tired tonight. But didn't want to break the chain. Eighteenth post in 18 days. We do get some kind of an award for this don't we? Nowadays recognition is what it's all about. Egos to be stroked. Do you think it's because we all are too individualistic to keep it to ourselves? We are the champions is chomping at the bit. Fame is the name of the game. Rich and glitz. Short and sweet. Inspiration in defeat. A little freeform. The words are dead. The light goes out. It's time f...