the kirkyard

Follow along if you can... Has your "self" disappeared? Do you correlate your image by standing in line and receiving your instructions about what is expected of you to maintain a semblance of sanity? Are you "you" or an imperfect facsimile of your good intentions? Fog is perfectly painless. It is plain as day. It is the sky grounded for a breather. One's body is overblown if you never wrote or sang a song. Suicides are becoming the salt of the earth. Living is losing its savor. Blo...

Follow along if you can... I want to be nice. I want be calm and centered. I want to feel secure. It's nice work if you can get it. Are personal biases a bad or good thing? Are opinions reaching the point of no return? America has been hit with the ugly stick. All news is breaking news. No news would be good news. We are not nice. We are not calm and centered. We are insecure. When's the last time you've seen or heard these words used before today? "Courage and moral clarity." Hard to...

I'm back to this. It's been a long hiatus. I had lost the challenge to post something 100 straight days. But I'm still challenging myself to reach the goal of 100 posts. Who knows. Maybe with this post I'm restarting a 100 straight day goal. Will see. Anyways, this is a day 60 post. I'm dealing with something I've dealt with all of my life. But this time there's a definite different component to it. It's intense. It's intense in the way that I have lost any defense against it. I don't want to d...

I love the quiet mornings. The last couple of mornings have been that way. This morning in the stillness is the calm. I'm embracing it. There's a last swallow of coffee in my cup on the arm of my loveseat. It will be refilled. "The Boys" are taking their after-breakfast nap on a chair and on a rug in the floor behind me, letting the morning's soft seeping light fill them through the front storm door. Peace. My body is still working with the medication to heal and make my sinus trouble into a ...

Getting relief from sinus trouble. Slowly but surely. It's been a summer of being dragged down and dragged out. But it's getting better. Better yet, I wish I had something to write. I don't. So it's better not to force the issue. More later. (It won't take much, will it?) ...

Been awhile. A few days at least. Have been puny. Weak. Fatigued. All those words. Have felt this way most of the summer. It just has gotten worse this last month. And I have the utmost distrust of doctors, or I should say, the medical industry in this country. Heck, I distrust most all authority figures. Mainly because they believe that they are the final authority. I guess an authority would say that my belief system falls under my DSM diagnosis. But today is the day that I have to find out wh...

Tired is as tired does. Finished mowing. Incredibly hot and humid. I remember a time when you never mowed on Sunday because it was truly the Lord's day, the sabbath, a day of rest. I don't recall anybody ever mowing on Sunday till maybe I was in my late 20's? That would be the late 70's. But even then I don't recall. Broke down. Had to have something sweet. Very rarely do I have anything sweet. Hopped in the car and drove 8 miles to get a .99 cent dipped coin at McDonald's. I got some sugar. A...

The day was mowing. And more mowing. Mowing an acre and a tenth. Got about 3/4 done. With a self-propelled push mower. Will finish tomorrow. Ate tacos. Is it possible I'm tired of tacos? I know I'm sick when I'm tired of tacos. They don't taste as good. Like most of what I eat anymore. A week and about 3 or 4 days till Arizona and Vegas. Can't wait. Anything to escape. Have you escaped recently? And to finish... this post was to hit 55. Do you feel used? Well, I'm sorry. Join ...

"By Midnight" I want to breathe and know it's me. I want to thrive because I decide. I want to expand and understand. I want to say this was the day I went to sleep and knew what to keep. -GK Survey: https://twitter.com/kirkyard/status/1159826435751763968?s=20 Why do we attach the term "passed away" to someone who killed themselves; also known as suicide? It was their choice was it not? Even if they made it under the weight of mental illness, or stress, or depression, or addiction...

What the heck did the title of yesterday's post have to do with anything? I don't know what I was thinking. But what I am thinking of tonight is...how many people in this country have come to the point that they can say that they are ashamed to be called an American? I'm too tired to write much more. So let me close by writing a poem... "Starred" When you care, cry. When you've lived, die. Where there's night, sigh. If you dare, fly. -GK More later. I'm hoping there's always more later. ...

Looks like I'm barely going to get in Day 52. Nothing profound here. Never was. Watching something about aliens in Antarctica. Ice is up to three miles thick in Antarctica. Don't worry. We'll get that melted in short order. I sat today outside of a Walmart in Corinth Mississippi. I sat. And I sat. Thinking twice. I went in. But I do know now where to hit the floor. And the door. Life goes on, some people will say. Of course today some people don't have a chance to even consider it. Have a ni...

Speak less to yourself and what you think you want to hear. You are speaking into a vacuum if you are not already doing what you are telling yourself to do. A resting position is a place where the mind maintains itself on life-support. The quiet morning. All mornings should be as quiet as possible. Being awake and being startled awake give two different responses. If you start out with a scream after being startled from your sleep, you spend the rest of the day recovering. Don't let yourself j...

Halfway to the 100 days of writing. There's no time to rest. Walked 10 miles today. Just like yesterday. It seems that today and yesterday should be the only days that count. And that they are. Aren't they? And yesterday should be looked on as a second cousin to tomorrow. Walking is my soul. I want to be at the point of walking as long and as far as my spirit moves me. Walking is my meditation. It is my mantra. I need it to make its mark on my body. To put it and my mind under its control. I ...

A walker will walk. The walker will walk. I walk. I love meditative music. Dreams are real. Hope is real. They are means to an end. This is a day of activity. This is a day of inactivity. Ying and yang. “No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” ...The Buddha I could say a lot of things about the recent mass shootings. But saying anything is empty. Doing something fills the void. The void of feelings is a deep darkness. We must fill it. I w...

Slept late again. Feels good. Refreshed. Brain fog diminished. Lots of dreaming. A good dream. Bad dream I do. Back at the home I grew up in. Weedeating. Feels like I've been living there. Lights turned on. Early evening. But there's a yellowish tint. Inside and outside. Then I noticed the holes in vinyl siding, just on one side of the house, that I must have put there in my weedeating. But now that I remember a lot of the holes were way above where I had weedeated against the house. More to the...

CLIMB Climb the black From the bottom Search for sky Practice reaching And forgetting The fall Always scream When dreaming And slipping Grasp the ledge To avenge Heavy breathing Some poems don't make sense. But as long as they are nonsensical to me they're worth it. Sleep is good while suffering. A deep long sleep is even better. I slept good and late this morning. First time in a long time. Mind fog hopefully will break. I will keep moving, climbing, today. I am so ready to claim a ne...

Let's freestyle... Worst store-bought cole slaw. Walmart's. Had it with my chicken livers that I fried last night. Livers were great. More onion is the secret. There should be a law against whipped cream cheese. Still lightheaded. Still grieving. My two other boys (cats) are too. Seriously. They are. I know. I would like to get back to how I wrote starting this 100 day challenge originally. It felt real. There was somebody who posted on List that must have stopped. I miss her. Can't rememb...

My world is lonely today. Lonely wrapped in a heartache. The decision was made yesterday and Snugglepuss agreed. With his old body of flesh and bones and his head buried in the crook of my arm he purred and sang the song of goodbye, and let me know that his life had been enough. Our life together needed to become a memory. I cried. I cried harder. And then we made the drive to an office that held the elixir of death. I stayed with him as slowly the needle and its contents showed how s...

I'm afraid of opening the door to my deck this morning. No, not afraid, I don't know what the word would be. I'm hoping that Snugglepuss has given up the ghost, so to speak. It would absolve me of making the decision. I'm emotionally ragged. For those such as me, emotions are like pure bleach. At full strength they eat away at our presence or place in the world. Not that we ever had a place. Empathetic depressives exist in the world. They don't really live in it. We are on the outside looking i...

We're just waiting on death here. My best friend, my cat Snugglepuss, has been holding on. I'd like to think he doesn't want to leave me. Each day becomes a little slower. Is he in pain? I don't believe so. Of course he can't tell me. He's still eating good and drinking. Even can still jump up on the couch. But the funny thing is, I want him to die. I want him to die at home. I don't want to carry him to the vet and have him put to sleep. I feel like the executioner then. But I will not let him ...

The non-drinking morning hangover is a little less heavy this morning than usual. May be a sign the "mental fever" is breaking. Hope so. Is there any good reason at all to read Twitter? Let's face it. It's like a group of children jumping up and down with their hands in the air screaming "Choose me! Please! Choose me!" I do the same. And admit it. You do too. Our witty repartee is so special. Yeah right. Speaking of which, there is no good reason for you to be reading this. I'm not writin...

10:37. Saturday night. Light-headed. I believe I've had too much sun this summer. Haven't felt good for 2 to 3 weeks. Of course your mental state also manifests physically. I'm going with the multiple factors cause. My daughter said today that I needed to take care of my health. That I need to back off of doing things all the time for others and do some self-care. I do know that I need to shake this. Been down, physically and mentally, for too long. So I did next to nothing today. May be mor...

Yes. Yesterday was rough. Could you tell? I was in fine form. But that's me. I don't know how to smooth my rough edges. Or at the very least I don't know where the line is. Still, in this day and edge, I don't think we as a society have a line. We are told to be ourselves. I was. We are told to be authentic. I was. We are told to be or do many things. I did. I can't take any of it back. I could delete it. But I won't. I am a depressive. In case you were wondering. I don't just have depression...

A hoax. If I never hear the word "hoax" again, it won't be soon enough. It's all a hoax anyway. The I and T. Apostrophe. S. And me. And you. Hoaxed out of body. Hoaxed out of mind. The absurdity of it all. The absurdity of the universe. The absurdity of the universe having a "God". The absurdity of believing in something called a soul that breathes. Then death. Vanity of vanities. As they say. Do you despair? Truly despair? Within you do you despair that you carry a soul in safekeeping fo...

Long day. Tired day. That's what it is. Mentally tiring. It's not a long day because everyday is confined by its length. The last shall be first and the first shall be last syndrome. I'm feeling it. My memory is making up its own mind. It's not so much a fading remembrance but a jumpstarted loss of identity. I don't know who I am anymore and I can't remind myself enough. Let's write a poem. Shall we?... LAST GASP I had to learn breath that whatever I did breath worked breath for awhile br...

Been out of pocket for awhile. My laptop decided to be a bottom-feeder. I cut the line. Back in business somewhat. Received Acer computer on Friday. Yes, it was from Prime Days. Well, I've been receiving support ever since I got it. The bottom line is the bottom line.. Feel very bad for such a long stream of unpublished days. Yes I know there's an Android app. Pshaw. Have been eating some carbs. Not happy about it. Neither is my gut. Did you ever notice how sweet Wheat Thins and Ritz Cracker...

My coffee is mine and fine. MCT oil. Kroger's whole cream. Only Kroger's. Thick and gloppy. A scoop of hydrolyzed collagen peptides. Then the coffee that changes flavors according to my whim. McDonalds, not from the local McDonald's, the one in the bag. Premium roast. That's a particular favorite. Or today was my last two scoops of Walmart's hazelnut. Good good stuff. Mix it all together. There you go. Oh and if you run out of cream, butter will work. Oil that coffee up. It's good for what ails ...

The life of this crazy is a life of questioning. Every. Damn Word. Every thought. Every sentence is a question of "why did I say that?" And yes I call myself a crazy. Crazy. Because that's what it is. Most importantly, that's what I am. I know that this journal of posts is public. Well hell. Every day I'm public. I don't have anything to hide. And as my aunt would say, "I'm going to die anyway." Freestyle alert... Obsessing. The crack in the roof of mouth. Bite. Tongue. Feel. Bite. Tongue. Fe...

There is solace in solitude. I can testify to that. Sitting in silence with me as my only conversationalist is sacred. What's that? Me using the word sacred? Yes. Anything that calms me, centers me and corrects my course is sacred. Sacred is a space. A place of perfecting the inward. An outward movement to peace. A stillness. Shh. But not every moment is like that. I love to imitate the whirlwind. I love to pontificate. I live to educate. I had one of those moments today. A lot of us crazies...

Broke my streak for the days in a row. Durn. Actually I had written something yesterday and then forgot about it and forgot to post it "Freestyle!" Let's begin. Walked 6 miles. Walking is life. (Seems like I've talked about this before.) So there's that. The pressure is off. What pressure there was. I'm writing this at 11:44 p.m. on June 29th. For the record. And so to sign off...My last rite(write) by rights... "Death forgot to explain to you to live ...