December 10, 2021•474 words
I don't even know what to write here, but I feel as if I need a public outlet (even if it's just for myself). I want to write and be a writer. I haven't always wanted that and this wasn't my childhood dreams. I didn't even consider writing until I was an adult and then it felt already too late. It feels late now and I haven't even begun my career yet.
I don't know why I created this 'blog', but I need to write. I want to and maybe this is a way to do that. A sort of free and judgement-free platform and option to actually write without thought or editing, just spilling my words onto the page. I struggle a lot with my own stupid thoughts. I fear judgment and afraid to put out something that's not good. I am afraid that my writing is bad (and lately, it has been bad - objectively) so I either don't write or over-think my words.
So maybe this blog is a good warm-up for my writing time. Writing anonymously, without fear or judgement before continuing my WIP. I don't even know if I want anyone to read this or whether do I need anyone to read this. From the first glance it seems that the only way to gain subscribers here is to share the listed.to link, but I have no means to do that. I will not put that on my own social platforms and there isn't really another way to do that. Not until I actually have something worthy to share.
So I will just write, for myself if not anyone else. I will write about myself and everything else. After all, all writers suffer from self-imposed prisons and I hope that this is my way to break out of mine. Writing became something I loathe and hate; something that instils fear and apprehension; something to avoid. I don't understand why. Am I fake? If I truly loved and liked it I would do it all day every day, but I don't. Do I just hate myself? I don't force myself to write. I want to but lately rarely did.
I also feel like I lost my 'talent' (if I ever had one). Perhaps I am just out of practice, but nothing I have written recently is actually good. I am a much better writer than I was years ago, with more knowledge and awareness but it feels that my actual writing has regressed.
Look, I don't want a pity party, so I will just end this blabbering. I want to write but I want writing to be without fear and negative emotions. I am training myself to write for myself, to write without expectations and hesitation.
I am re-training myself from the scratch.