April 28, 2021•420 words
Theme: Fudge? How I like structure and how I maybe I could be a little more flexible.
I was just thinking about how many things we talk about that I forget and these brain dumps are really narrowly focused.
First thought. I like who I am. I like my structure. After our talk I realized that I structure most of my important things. Saturday at 7 is game night with friends. The last week in July is my get together with the guys I grew up with. Wednesday night is the night the wife and I schedule to make love. Tuesday at 6PM, we go over finances. Every night at 8:30 is time for the kids. Friday's at 11:30 is AMA. Like I said, I believe if I schedule the important things I can be flexible when other things come up.
Second thought. Here is hypothetical situation. What if your spouse died and mine died, this is starting to feel weird, all I am suggesting is what if our lives changed in such a way that we decided to be more than friends. If I keep our friendship from my spouse now, would knowing that I behaved that way now always be in the back of your mind? I want honesty for everyone. So, I don't think I am going to find a platform for us to have a safe place to explore discuss feelings and thoughts. But then I think how interesting it is to have feelings you don't experience everyday and be able to sit with them.
You like to hang out in this messy space of my head, my wife does not.
I had started a few other thoughts but could not remember them. I am looking forward to the next AMA. I have this thought that I am wearing you down. You are going to call them off. Maybe I am wrong. You have not cancelled AMA this week but I don't know when you get back from your trip.
On a different note, you are in Hawaii this week. I could not sleep so I got up to write (this is unusual for me). The thought I have been having the last couple days is knowing what I want. I want to be more sure about the things that I want. Typically I want what makes other people happy. I think you are funny and I want to be around you. But, I have to be okay if you don't want to be around me.