Hello Random Strangers on the Internet...

What is it that people say?

Everyone starts somewhere.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

Whatever bullshit people say, I feel like I am at the start. Or the bottom. Or somewhere I simply don't want to be.

My life is falling apart piece by piece. When I was a kid and a teenager, I would fill notebook after notebook of journal entries. I wrote about the boys I loved and how much I hated my parents and how stressful school was. When I was in college I started a LiveJournal account and wrote about my sexual escapades and the boys I loved and how much I hated my parents and how stressful school was. I thought it was anonymous until my boyfriend found it pulled up on my computer and read all about how I was cheating on him. Oops. The guy I was cheating with is now my husband and we've been married for almost 20 years. Funny how life works out sometimes.

But now I'm in my 40s. Forty-one to be exact. And once again I find myself turning to journaling to sort out my jumbled brain full of thoughts about how I hate my parents, how stressful it is parenting three teenagers, and how my life is fucking falling apart. I have no secrets from my husband so I don't care if he finds this open on my computer - I have nothing to hide from him. (Hi, baby, did you read this yet?)

I doubt anyone will ever read this and I'm mostly documenting my thoughts so I don't let these frustrations bleed onto my daily life, but it feels weird to talk to an imaginary audience without first explaining a little about me.

My name is L. I am a midwestern mom of three beautiful biracial babies (well teenagers actually but they will always be babies to me). I am as liberal as they come and really fucking pissed about this latest election. I was raised in a evangelical household but currently identify as an atheist, although ironically I work part time as a church secretary. Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. Although I am married to a cis man, within the past few years I've begun to more identify as bisexual. I don't know if it even matters really. But there it is. I was diagnosed with ADHD five-ish years ago, and suspect I probably fall on the autism spectrum. Let's just say that my oldest kiddo is autistic and he and I have a LOT in common.

And my life is falling apart. My body is falling apart. My world is falling apart. And I'm really fucking mad about all of it.