June 3, 2019•441 words
I blacked out again last night. Not sure why. Had more than enough sleep, was well-rested and felt fairly okay. Worrying, really.
This time, the blackout brought me to Hualien. I was sensible enough, apparently, to stop at a friend's place and hang out until a bit before morning-time. Against better judgement, now fully lucid, I booked a hotel for the night. Left my bike in the park, but there's no chance of it getting stolen. I'll come back for it tomorrow.
Been thinking of Hualien a lot lately. A nice place to escape to, really. Somewhere without a single bad memory attached to it—ripe to be ruined. Now that I'm here, I can't escape how fake it looks. Troubling. I prefer Keelung. Hsinchu's also nice, albeit that city's been ruined for me for years now.
Need to get more insight on the blackouts; getting rather sick of them. Will have to ask around. Probably stress-related. Too much stress. No use in worrying over that, though, that's always going to be a constant.
Sleep is increasingly hard to come by. Obvious reasons. Annoying due to previous effort to get myself to sleep for at least a few hours a day. No obvious effects on reality; many obvious effects on judgement and cognitive processing. Probably good in the long-term.
Shaking the perpetual feeling of quantifiably going insane is easier than it used to be—bit worrying. Used to make better decisions. Used to handle situations drastically better. Will chalk this up to situations increasing in difficulty with age rather than obvious conclusion.
Mania right now. Fairly sure of it. Not bipolar though. Fairly sure of that. Pondering for an hour on things I used to be able to do but lost the ability to at some point. Strangely pleased about decay in ability to deal with numbers. Depressed in gradual decline of complex multitasking ability. Bewildered with sudden lack of vocabulary.
Feel okay. Life feels as if about to escalate. Not worried. Slightly worried. Scratched skin off of jaw again. Sun is peaking in sky. Mild sunburn forming as I sit on hotel balcony. Weather is okay. Around ninety degrees. Not ideal.
Stuck between wanting every day to be similarly different as this is and wanting normalcy and routine. Despise normalcy and routine. Considering that ability to cope would allow me to adjust quickly. Feel stuck. It occurs to me that every day could be like this.
Pretended to meditate for a few minutes. Did nothing. Breathe in. Breath out. Think nothing. Think of everything. Laugh to self at pointlessness.
Have nothing left to type in this one. Short. Concise. Performative. Dull. Over.