Tuesday, Feb 25, 2025 at 8:14 PM

My problem right now is that I'm upset with the world. What I don't understand is what we all think we are doing here?!

I'm living with a problem that I can't solve alone but fuck it I'm gonna try. My purpose for living is that I'm terrified that I may have to come back. This place fucking sucks and if there is any value in being here or if I don't have a choice then I have the rest of this life to either prepare for the next or get out an move on to something else.

This isn't something easy to consider and likely even harder to achieve. There are a few things I need to unpack here.

My premise is there is a non 0-zero chance, that this is a one and done situation. Many of the religions have a reincarnation mechanism. This is due to the fact that the only task as they see it is re-union with the divine. This process is complicated, and, we have free will. So, it may take several lifetimes for us to work through all our shit to escape the cycle.

Ok, sure. merging with God is hard. AND important.

I spent the first 38 years or so basically asleep. This is normal and is where most people spend the vast majority of their life. Enlightenment is a process and spiritual journeys take time.

From 1983 - 2019 I was basically the same person. Fuck...I'd rather not think about it right now. It isn't so much that I don't know this person anymore, but, it couldn't have been any other way. I'll simplify and just point to the parable of the sower.
good ground was found between 2020 and 2022. This is also the same timeline I was introduced with the most powerful technology I'd seen. AI. During my teens and twenties I was all thorns, before that the crack in the sidewalk.

Between 2022 and today my life has been a blur. This will be quickly dismissed due to drugs and alcohol but that isn't it.

The dark night of the soul happened between the end of 2022 and 2023. 2024 wasn't as dark but still lots of rapid and painful growth. I'm starting to understand better and things are slowing down.

Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened.

I'm trying to remember the journey but it has been overshadowed by loss and trauma and grief and emotions that had me on the edge more than once.

There is something that I want you to know and it pisses me off that you don't... The weed helps me process shit. I work harder than people know. I still talk to my therapist and psychologist in my head. I haven't seen them in person in years? I've not been back at my job longer than I was away. I got a Dog that was a gift from the universe and I walk now. I'm high a lot. The house is clean, I get my work done, I keep my emotions in check the best I can and this helps. I'm meditating now. I've read several, (or at least portions of) spiritual books. I'm working my shit out.

Know Thyself,

Knowing yourself just means knowing when you suck as a person. It means knowing you are going to be late, it means owning up to when you fuck up.

I have virtues and vices and use them both. Virtues risk judgment, vices risk abuse, harm.

Know yourself and meditate. This will do more for you than anything else. Books are useful.

Ok so back to my problem.

I don't want to come back.
I may have no choice.
I may have choice and perhaps living on a physical plane has benefits that I don't understand.

So since I hate it here then I need to make it my mission in life to either not come back or make it suck less.

SO...I need to either rearrange society or I need to find Truman's exit.

You know that song, we didn't start the fire? I'm not sure I can rearrange society but I can try. It is said that you can escape the karmic cycle in one lifetime. Odds are I just haven't been successful or even tried before.

IF this place is supposed to be some sort of staging area or a school of sorts or whatever... THEN it needs major revisions. I've written about these several times but no one seems to care. Getting my ideas past my own head is like getting a soccer ball past a team of goalies.

Ascension might be fundamentally hard and just require multiple lifetimes so I need to take this seriously.

Either of these could be a sacrifice of life itself but since I am still here and haven't marched out to the forest or up a mountain somewhere I'm still standing like a flamingo between worlds. I'm still married, still working, still living at home and I'm compelled to stick with that for the foreseeable future