C31

Chapter 31: Regret and Resolution — Kaho Kitayama Side

Tuesday.

When I headed to our usual meeting spot, Kokona-chan was already waiting there.

"Good morning, Kokona-chan."

"Good morning, Kaho."

Exchanging our usual greeting, we started walking toward the station together, but there was hardly any conversation on the morning commute.

I secretly glanced sideways at Kokona-chan walking beside me. She wasn't looking down; she was facing forward walking our usual route, but she looked somewhat absent-minded.

(...Is she thinking about yesterday?)

Thinking that, Kokona-chan's words heard at the park popped into my head.

—I want to apologize to Tachibana-kun. I want to apologize with my own words.

I figured she was definitely thinking about that today, too.

Rather than forcing her to talk, it was better to be right here by her side for now. Thinking that, I walked alongside Kokona-chan down our usual path.

Arriving at the station, we boarded our usual train.

Even inside the carriage, we barely exchanged words.

I turned my gaze toward the window glass. Kokona-chan reflected there wore a somewhat troubled expression, quietly gazing out the window. That profile carried a shadow similar to the one I saw at the park yesterday.

I couldn't tear my eyes away from Kokona-chan's figure reflected in the window glass for a while.

The train arrived at the station, we got off, passed through the ticket gates, and headed straight for school. Leaving the station, students wearing the same uniform walked here and there, amongst them the familiar faces of classmates.

Yet, today we didn't call out to anyone, quietly walking on just the two of us.

By the time we reached school, the morning commute had already grown quite bustling. Passing through the school gates, changing shoes at the lockers, we headed straight to the classroom together.

◇

Entering the classroom, Kokona-chan headed to her desk, set down her bag, and casually cast her gaze toward the entrance.

It was for only a split second, but I could tell it was a gaze waiting for something.

Every time someone entered the classroom, Kokona turned her eyes to check their figure. Yet, realizing it wasn't the person she was looking for, she immediately averted her gaze.

Even so, after a short while she would cast her eyes toward the entrance again, look whenever the door opened, and face forward as if nothing happened upon realizing it was someone else.

I could do nothing but watch Kokona-chan repeat those gestures over and over.

I didn't even have to ask to know who Kokona-chan was waiting for.

Still, I simply tracked the destination of those gazes in quiet silence...

Before long, the homeroom chime rang, and when the teacher entered the classroom, everyone returned to their respective seats.

Attendance checks began as usual, and when the teacher announced that Tachibana-kun was absent today, Kokona-chan's gaze—which had been directed toward the entrance until a moment ago—dropped onto her desk, and drawn in by that figure, I dropped my gaze as well.

The person she was waiting for wasn't coming to school—that single fact felt like it was quietly settling in.

◇

At lunch break, Rinko-chan invited us to the cafeteria, but Kokona-chan turned her down, saying she had a promise to eat with me.

Leaving the classroom together just like that, we headed toward the courtyard.

Sitting down on a lightly populated bench, we each spread out our bento boxes and moved our chopsticks in silence for a while.

"......Tachibana-kun's absent."

Kokona-chan muttered, staring fixedly at her bento.

"......Yeah, he is."

Her voice sounded somewhat like she was trying to convince herself.

"After hurting him like that... in front of everyone... of course he is..."

Thinking of Tachibana-kun's state yesterday, it was only natural that he couldn't come to school.

Kokona-chan understood that, too.

Then, what should we do?

Inside me... there was an answer.

But...

I couldn't say anything.

Kokona-chan didn't say anything more, either.

Only a quiet stretch of time flowed between the two of us.

With our bento boxes spread out, neither of us moved our chopsticks much at all.

Only the sound of the wind blowing through the courtyard and the voices of students echoing from afar resonated through the quiet air.

Eventually, the end of the lunch break drew near, and we packed up our bentos in silence. In the end, both of us had left more than half uneaten.

◇

Wednesday.

Kokona-chan said she'd wait at the school gate, so I said nothing and stood right beside her.

Students arriving at school passed by us one after another; amongst them were people casting glances toward Kokona-chan or turning back to talk about something with friends. Even so, Kokona-chan showed no sign of minding, simply standing still with her eyes fixed intently beyond the school gate.

Time ticked quietly away.

Even as homeroom time drew close, Tachibana-kun's figure was nowhere to be seen.

"......The bell's gonna ring soon... let's go."

"......Yeah."

Kokona-chan gave a small nod.

When we reached the front of the classroom, Kokona-chan stopped her feet, glanced toward the far end of the corridor just once, and entered the classroom without a word.

Following right behind her, an atmosphere slightly different from yesterday drifted through the room. The morning light streaming through the windows and the sight of everyone spending their time just like normal hadn't changed. Yet, it felt somehow unsettled.

Nothing had changed. Even so, it looked different from yesterday. I roughly guessed the reason why, too.

I let out a small breath and headed to my desk.

Even though it was the exact same classroom as always, the atmosphere dwelling there alone felt just a tiny bit heavy...

◇

Lunch break.

Right as the two of us were about to leave the classroom, Kujo-kun called out to us.

Kokona-chan turned around and replied to Kujo-kun.

The moment I heard that voice, I involuntarily held my breath. It was a voice so cold I couldn't have imagined it from Kokona-chan until now. Even Kujo-kun stopped his words, looking bewildered.

Kokona-chan averted her gaze from Kujo-kun, looked at me, and walked out of the classroom just like that, and I followed right behind, falling into step beside her.

Walking down the corridor together, I replayed what had just happened.

For Kokona-chan to reply to someone with a voice like that...

And yet... I knew what Kokona-chan was thinking.

Even I had my thoughts about Kujo-kun.

But, more than that, I was... terrified.

Kujo-kun, who had done a thing like that so nonchalantly, and... also the girl who was right beside him.

◇

Thursday.

The moment I stepped into the classroom, I felt an atmosphere heavier than yesterday. There were students chatting amongst friends just like normal. Yet, the moment we walked past, murmurs dropped off, and whenever our eyes met, gazes were averted in a flash.

Even when homeroom started, that atmosphere didn't change. The moment the teacher checked attendance and announced that Tachibana-kun was absent today as well, Kokona-chan bowed her head, moving only her lips in a tiny motion as if lamenting something.

I couldn't tear my eyes away from Kokona-chan for a while.

Lessons proceeded as usual afterwards, but even during break time the classroom's atmosphere didn't lighten up. No one spoke of Tachibana-kun. Even so, the fact that everyone was preoccupied with something could no longer be hidden away bit by bit.

◇

Lunch break.

Kokona-chan and I left the classroom, headed to the courtyard, sat side by side on our usual bench, and opened our bentos.

Though we moved our chopsticks without speaking for a while, Kokona-chan occasionally stopped those hands, looking as though she were desperately pondering something with her head bowed down.

Seeing Kokona-chan like that, it suddenly reminded me of back then.

Back when Kokona-chan and Tachibana-kun were fake lovers, we used to eat bentos together on this very bench, just like this.

Thinking that, even the bench we were sitting on now looked a bit different. The atmosphere that had existed between the two of them back on that day revived vividly even now.

◇

I had watched the two of them eating bentos on the bench together alongside Rinko-chan and the others.

Seeing Tachibana-kun smiling next to Kokona-chan, I was a little surprised.

Tachibana-kun is someone who smiles like that.

I've known Tachibana-kun since our first year. Because we were in the same class, and there were times when our desks were right next to each other.

My image of Tachibana-kun back then was: expressionless, tinkering with his smartphone whenever break time rolled around, and always looking blank during lessons. Yet whenever tests came around, he was always top of the class.

That was... still the same when we became second-years, though.

Come to think of it, back in our first year—

When our desks were neighbors, there was a math problem I couldn't figure out no matter what, and I tried asking Tachibana-kun about it.

With his usual expressionless face, Tachibana-kun looked at my notebook and taught me in an easy-to-understand way.

When I thanked him, Tachibana-kun didn't really say anything back in particular, immediately returning his eyes to his smartphone.

What is he looking at?

Thinking that, I asked him out of sheer curiosity.

Then Tachibana-kun told me he was looking at an Asuon strategy guide.

Since I was an indoor person who liked games, I understood immediately what that meant.

Because our desks had been next to each other, I'd had several chances to talk with Tachibana-kun after that as well.

Yet, I had never once seen Tachibana-kun smiling.

Precisely because of that, the scene from back then remains deeply impressed in my mind to this day.

Right next to Kokona-chan, Tachibana-kun had smiled like that.

When I learned that all of it was a lie, what kind of feelings must Tachibana-kun have had...

Thinking about it, it felt like the depths of my chest were being squeezed tight.

◇

Friday.

The moment I stepped into the classroom, I noticed an atmosphere even heavier than yesterday.

Even though they should have been gathering with friends, everyone felt somewhat aloof. Even when chatting in hushed voices, you could tell they were minding their surroundings.

Every time someone entered the classroom, several people cast their eyes toward the entrance.

Yet, their gazes immediately returned to their respective spots.

Seeing that sight happen several times, I thought:

Everyone is anxious...

That's why they unconsciously look toward the entrance.

Casually casting my gaze toward Kokona-chan, she was sitting at her desk with her head bowed.

She had hardly opened her mouth since morning, and looked as though she were avoiding even looking at her surroundings.

I silently watched Kokona-chan like that.

When homeroom time arrived and the teacher entered the classroom, the small murmurs audible until then cut off, leaving behind a strangely taut silence in the room.

The teacher touched upon Tachibana-kun's absence, announcing that today was the fourth day. Right after, words came out saying they would contact Tachibana-kun to confirm the reason for his absence.

The depths of my chest contracted tightly.

The events of that day might get communicated to the teacher.

Thinking that, I was terrified. Even I couldn't help feeling anxious when considering that we wouldn't be able to escape from what we had done.

Even so—when I heard those words, I also thought of something else.

Maybe this would allow us to move forward just a little bit.

Such a thought welled up in the depths of my chest, and I turned my gaze toward Kokona-chan.

With her head bowed, she was moving only her lips in tiny motions, as if murmuring something.

Seeing Kokona-chan's figure like that—

A little... just a little—I found myself wishing for that to happen.

◇

When lunch break arrived, small gatherings formed all over the classroom.

Yet, what could be heard weren't the bright voices like usual. Whispered conversations lowered so as to mind the surroundings echoed from all corners of the room.

Amongst them were malicious gossip directed at Kokona-chan.

It was a voice that didn't seem to care whether it was heard by those around them, deliberately spoken so we would hear it.

There were voices mixed with laughter, and voices spit out with contempt. Every single word carried a thorn that hadn't been there before.

As I listened to those words, a certain remark caught my ear.

The moment it did, my body moved before I could think. I tried to take a step forward—right at that moment.

With her head bowed, Kokona-chan grabbed my hand with trembling fingers.

"......It's fine."

It was a faint voice.

I stared at the hand holding mine, then turned my gaze toward Kokona-chan.

With her head bowed, pulling her shoulders in tight, she was patiently enduring the words reaching her ears.

Seeing that figure made me think anew:

Tachibana-kun must have had it much harder.

Without knowing anything, suddenly stood up in front of everyone on that day, without even understanding what was happening, exposed like that.

Considering how Kokona-chan was enduring this right now, just imagining how much suffering Tachibana-kun must have gone through on that day made my chest ache.

Thinking about it that way, the words currently directed at Kokona-chan were probably a fitting retribution for us, who pulled off the fake confession.

We had no right to say anything.

And—

A little ways away, Kujo-kun and his group were facing harsh words from everyone in the class.

No one tried to protect Kujo-kun and the others. The circles of people that would naturally gather until now were now coldly distancing themselves with Kujo's group at the center.

Seeing that sight made the depths of my chest heavy.

By rights, I should be over there inside that group, too.

I was there on that day, too. Since I'm on the side that hurt Tachibana-kun, it's only natural that I get blamed just like Kujo-kun and the others.

And yet, I am here.

Without being blamed by anyone, I am right by Kokona-chan's side.

It felt like I alone was escaping, and being here without facing any blame at all made me feel unbearably guilty.

◇

The after-school walk home.

Stepping out of the station, thin clouds were spreading across the sky. The light of dusk was blocked by the clouds, vaguely illuminating the town.

Leaving the station area, we walked down the road leading to the residential streets. Human presence gradually faded away, and before long, silence enveloped the surroundings.

Before we knew it, the only things audible were the sounds of our two footsteps.

As we continued walking onward, a park came into view.

I cast my gaze toward it, then shifted my eyes to Kokona-chan walking beside me.

Kokona-chan walked beside me with her head bowed, wearing somewhat hollow eyes.

She was agonizing over Tachibana-kun.

That was definitely certain.

But, that wasn't all.

Inside Kokona-chan, various things were piling up—things about the class, things about her work.

And, surely—things about me, too.

Looking at Kokona-chan's profile as she said nothing, the weight of what she was carrying transmitted itself painfully.

In the end, I had prioritized Kokona-chan over Tachibana-kun.

Yet seeing Kokona-chan right now, on the verge of being crushed by a sense of guilt, I felt that was wrong.

I had intended to stay close to Kokona-chan.

As her childhood friend, I had intended to think about Kokona-chan's well-being.

Yet, perhaps—

Thinking I was staying close to her, I might have actually been driving Kokona-chan into a corner...

Thinking that, Kokona-chan's current figure pierced straight through my chest.

Remaining burdened with so many things, Kokona-chan was already approaching her limit.

—This can't go on.

Our usual fork in the road came into view. From here on, we would return in separate directions.

Once again, I asked myself.

I, too, am a person who hurt Tachibana-kun.

Someone like me can't afford to be a dead weight on Kokona-chan any longer.

When I stopped my feet at the crossroads, Kokona-chan stopped as well, gazing at me in silence.

Those eyes looked like they were looking at me, yet somewhere they seemed to be looking at a completely different place.

Deep within them, for just a split second, I felt something I couldn't understand surface.

"Kokona-chan."

When I called out, Kokona-chan blinked, looking startled.

I looked straight into Kokona-chan's eyes.

"You don't need to worry about me, okay?"

Kokona-chan didn't say anything right away, staring at my face for a while.

Before long, she gave a small nod.

"......Yeah."

Saying just that, Kokona-chan started walking down her own path home.

Beneath the gloomy, overcast skies, I kept staring continuously at Kokona-chan's receding back.