The loneliness of a Revert

So will preface this one with -

I am fine and happy and my family is supportive as are my friends and most people I meet. I am not 'completely alone' and unsure as to how to resolve said isolation. I had people I could and did turn to, and I had the means to turn to more people if I wanted to.

I am also aware of so so much privilege I have and also how much worse things can be for others. I don't suffer racism, I don't have a family who persecute me for my decisions. I have it easy Alhamdulilah.

Cool. Just imagine that I say that over and over to qualify all I mention in the next bits, rather than me type out apologies and excuses every paragraph

But...

There is a certain degree of loneliness being a Revert.

I think I have always had a predisposition for loneliness. Maybe I think myself more special than I am, maybe the sense I have felt is the same in all teenagers and people with not so many 'real' friends. But I can remember many a time growing up feeling a weird sense of isolation.

My friends don't really know me. I don't really have trust. Noone really likes me. I am a bother, a weird person with less of a place or purpose. I would just be better off away from people

And in many ways I was happy like that, I would spend lots of time at the nearby forest as a child, on my own. I didn't really like going round friends houses that much, nor did I like them coming round mine. As I got older I still kinda of found it hard to see those who thought of me as a friend as someone I would add to a list of my own. Even right now I feel like this.

I should add, there have been many a time where I have been objectively surrounded by people I know have a positive view of me (or at least think I knew) and the feeling would still fade in and out, like waves on a shore. It isn't personal, it's not something someone did, I'm not sure how much of it is my fault either. It's not about literal proximity to people exactly.

Spoiler for the end of this post, I still have a sense of much of this, but i believe it has been lessened since Reverting. I would presume that knowing that Allah is with me always, is a big part of it.

It is safe to say that the process of becoming a Revert to Islam itself and even the obviousness of me having reverted exaggerates these fleeting feelings.

When researching, this information was different to the views of everyone I knew. As in previous posts, my friends and family were all non-religious, and if there was any Christianity dwelling in there, it was not apparent, and also, not Islam.

When I reverted my family were completely supportive, Alhamdulilah. But there was no party, no celebration in the same way it might have been if I were in a big group of friends. There was positivity definitely and I am grateful (oh no... I've started making excuses already... See the top of this post, I am ok really, and grateful for the good I had and have).

When I went to the Masjid yes, the one who showed me round was nice and they've all been nice since. But my difference was just a bit more obvious, the stares a little more noticeable.

Most of my Ramadan days and Iftaars (the meal you eat to break your fast) were spent alone. And most of my night prayers (not yet at the Masjid) were on my own.

I pray on my own. I learn on my own. I don't have a Muslim family to fall to. I don't have a community to rely on. The internet is a messy swirl of stuff, and finding real connection there is tricky.

I love the positive feeling given when people recognise that I am Muslim, maybe through context, or because they're returning my Salaam, or perhaps they see the (sort of) beard and guess correctly. But it is not the norm for me, it is the novelty.

I learn about the Muslim family on a 50 part lecture course, but I relate to it hypothetically. I finally learn a thing or memorise something towards the prayer, and I have to train myself, to congratulate me.

I have insulting comments given to me, the giver pretends it is a gift, they shout to everyone to watch me open it, and no one says anything even after I unwrap it. I can't go back to 'my group' and feel reassured, I can't persuade the hateful that they shouldn't hate, especially when the world tells them it is ok, keep going, you're funny really.

I wake for Suhoor (eating in Ramadan during the night before the first dawn) on my own, almost. My cat looks at me with endless love in her eyes and soothes my tiredness with her purrs.

I work and hide my religion. I work and display it cautiously. Until I am in a place where I can do so and find acceptance. Peacefully.

Am I a real Muslim? Past Adam would say it's something he could never see. But am I real Muslim now? Some people would say I will never be.

Am I praiseworthy, or am I a trophy to be adopted? Are you interested in me, or getting the details so you can tell the story?

Will I ever be good enough for my own expectations, maybe, probably. What about those I meet, what about my future family, what about those who I know now, do they think differently of me. Obviously they do, but it is worse or better?

Will I be able to silence these thoughts enough to remember that none of it matters? It is all for the sake of Allah, this Dunya (this world and life) matters less than what comes next. I have been blessed enough to have guidance, these are minor issues that I make about me.

Yes, maybe I will manage.

When your own obvious insecurity is reflected back on you by those small instances where the world has thought the same, that is what you end up fighting.

I am behind, can I ever catch-up. Of course I need to start from the beginning, but my beginning comes decades later than others, will I ever get to a point where I am developed enough to know enough to look after myself and others?

You get the idea.

To answer all of this -

Yes I will manage. No, none of this is enough to complain about. In the times of the Prophet (pbuh) there were real hardships, not like what I described. No, I am not alone nor have I been, or will I ever be. Yes, I am and will be good enough. No, I could never show enough gratitude for all that I have, but I am grateful.

All of course, insha'Allah

Allah is the greatest of planners

It is just a feeling, that is all, and feelings are natural, I have no genuine complaints Alhamdulilah.