June 26, 2021•608 words
today i was out with mom and dad, we donated some items to a local animal shelter that was next to LSU and we decided to visit the lsu campus while we were there. Both my father and myself went to LSU. It was actually nice to be out with them, we very rarely do so.
You couldn't tell by looking at him or me or my mom but 4 weeks ago my father physically assaulted me, sat on my chest until I couldn't breathe and lost control of my bladder. My mom was able to pull him off of me. I thought I was going to die. I felt certain he wanted to kill me. I live with them. I locked myself in my bedroom, barricaded all the doors, covered the windows, and had a mental break for two weeks. I remember feeling like I was going crazy interspersed with sudden moments of complete clarity. I have been emotionally and physically abused by my narcissist father all my life. I believed I was a terrible, worthless person and it was all my fault that my dad hated me and hurt me. This latest incident seemed to crack open something inside me and I finally saw the full and total reality of the abuse I endured. Memories of instances where he said or did something made me feel shame or despair would flash and I was able to reexamine those things. I finally realized that he had been abusing me my entire life. I was NOT worthless I was NOT a bad kid or bad person I DID NOT DESERVE TO BE ABUSED AND WHAT HE DID WAS WRONG AND CRUEL. There is freedom in this realization but there is also so much grief. The loss of opportunities, the depression, the self hatred, the addictions, the inability to make decisions on my own, the list goes on forever. My childhood, my life was stolen from me. My personality is deeply rooted in trauma responses, who could I have been if my parents treated me with love and respect and kindness? I am still coming to terms with all of it. It's something I'll have to contend with for the rest of my life...
But back to our little family outing...
Out of nowhere my dad tells a story about putting a dent in his father's car and then launched into details of the severe beating his father gave him and thats why he wont ever visit his grave. I was stunned and mustered up a "that was wrong and evil and unacceptable and i wouldn't visit it either" I hope he realizes that he, who had recently severely beaten me (for ignoring the family lol) for much less, was not only repeating the actions of his abusive father, but was speaking to me about it like I had never experienced anything so awful as that. He is an abusive narcissist who is the product of abusive and toxic parents. I doubt he ruminates over such things. I doubt he makes the connections. I doubt he thinks he did anything wrong. He has not even attempted to apologize for fucks sake. I am the peacekeeper here, the onus has always fallen on me to patch up our relationship. What he doesn't know is that I hate him, I have always hated him. I will always hate him. I smile and say "I love you" anyway. It makes my mother feel better when my dad and I are "getting along". She is fragile and damaged and enables my father but I'll save that for next time I post.