Roaring Tides

As of late, sleep does not come easily upon me, for nearly every night, before losing my mind to the realms of dream and unconscious darkness, I find myself stuck in the same nightmareish vision, that has haunted me for months now. It is but before I truely settle in the final pre-sleep position, that I am overcome by this dread. While many in these moments or even hours recall their days and dwell on troubles, I had rarely found myself in a position, not being able to bygo this useless debate. Yet, here I am, trained to withstand the intricate deceptions of the human mind, a very victim of my own doing, it seems. In the interest of keeping at bay the demons encounterd, I shall give a record of the usual vision here.

I find myself in tempestous, black waters. A storm is raging across the nightly ocean stirring up the water to moving mountains and trecherous valleys. Chaotic waters, owed to the rapid and random churning tides of wants and needs, inbetween shores and cliffs of idenity and perception, both internal and external, unreachable distances away. Drifting in midst of this malestorm grappling a piece of wood, hoping to delay the inevitable for - what for? - I find myself. Tossed around by the churning waves, being submerged, before falling into one of the deep valleys, gasping for air. The waves are made of pure imagination, sparking bliss, despite their trecherous appearance: Moments of longing for an arm, wrapped around this body, guiding it to a gentle slumber. Moments of need for half a kiss, by a male whose eyes are firy with domination. Moments of want for a chest to fall asleep on, sobbing for reasons indeterminate and undescribable. Moments of craving to pass as that which one hath chosen. Moments of striving to obliterate the fourth wall through which all of this is perceived.

Glad would I be, if these emotional waves were the only danger to my sanity in these troubled waters - if a storm of bliss were upon me that I could just let rage and pass. Yet under the waves of vicious intensity and height, dark terrors lurk. Like membranous wings or tentacles they cut through these waves, drawing nearer and nearer, leaving me paralyzed and in fear in midst of this apocalyptic ocean that shall one day be my wet, cold, and indifferent grave. These waves, promising but the prospect of a cherished, wished upon moment, are cut abruptly by these dark terrors: Deep seated fear, that none shall be able to accept them, that they lay their arms around. Deep seated fear, that these firey eyes see but a simple male in disguise. Deep seated fear, the indescribable will have to be tamed and examined, not accepted. Deep seated fear of never truely passing. Deep seated fear, the outside will always inflict harm on oneself, through the proxy that is the own imagination. I see what these entities do, yet in these moments can't do a single thing to stop them from embedding a shread of doubt, a spark of mistrust and hatred within every wave of want and need I am drowned by.

And so I drift along, half filled with bliss, half with the unspeakable terrors destroying all of it. Unable to let go, unable to hold on. Unable to even think of a propect for rescue. Crushed by one wave after another, terrified by one horror after another, until sleep finally draws me into the unknown depths of this ocean.

When even in simple dreams, dread lurks behind every shadow, vista and pair of beautiful, firey eyes, hope begins to fade. When even in identity, paradoxa emerge, that seem to proclude, once an for all, the bliss which the realization of these dreams might yield, hope begins to fade. Remember: Hope must not be lost, it is the driftwood keeping us afloat, on this troubled sea, without it, only darkness remains. Waves and terrors alike are but reactions to a system of oppression inflicted on us by the reality in which we find ourselves. To give in to this despair in hours of calm, harms little at times; but do not think of these waters as endless and the shores unreachable - rage against the thought of forfeiting all hope!

Queerness, Enby, Cosmic Horror, Identity, Pain, Mind


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