Thursday, Feb 20, 2025 at 10:19 AM
February 20, 2025•371 words
New notebooks, like new shoes, take some getting used to. The fondest hope for this new notebook to fade into the background as an item, to simply become a ubiquitous tool that let's my mind walk, whether a stroll to the store or bushwhacking up a mountain-side. Cease to be a thing. It only has the power I give it.
I'm packing up and getting nimble. Packing up my stuff, my identity, my entire life. It's been in process for 3 years now and will likely take another year or two.
It's been hard. Working through the property, belongings and sheer stuff of my/our parents dredges up a lot amid the seemingly endless tasks ... things that need minding. It's not necessarily the "doing" it's the carrying around the evolving task list, phone calls, bureaucracy, familial guilt .
Success in these tasks have never brought a sense of accomplishment, only a relief, a chance to rest before taking up the list once more. My mental and physical health has taken a hit. Paralyzing anxiety, irritability amid constant distraction, depression ... all for which I am getting help. Wrestling the physical leavings of a waning parent literally tore me open - hernia. Literally on the mend now. But my furniture wrestling days are over.
I am honestly surprised that none of this necessarily involves grief itself. It's difficult to not feel resentment ... at who? Heh .. everything. But I'm a few steps closer to the end every week.
What then, after all this struggle, torment? I/we don't know. Somewhere deep in my musings while I walk, or shuffle between storage units and real estate I never wanted, there are new ideas for those things that are worth devoting precious time to.
Literally tidying up life so that I can live. My personal, distorted reflection of the climate emergency.
So enough about the struggle. I want tell you what walking the proud land means to me and what it can mean for us.
--obligatory daily project check-in--
- tech - redesign of websites - using Hugo and Cloudflare.
- writing - "Scale is Antipattern" - draft stage