how I'm feeling now

Quick rundown/gist of life rn:

• music all feels the same
• overtrained this week, so it feels like I have the flu
• catching myself addicted to youtube shorts
• diet is mostly the same, but roommates recently had a party in our apartment for SF pride, which I don't mind, it's just the guests left behind a bunch of cookies and I keep snacking on them, which isn't good for metabolic health even if it's good for the caloric surplus that helps towards enabling protein synthesis
• I have no friends and I'm feeling insecure about it
• work recently made it a thing to give a daily brief of what you did that day. It's good because it keeps me concentrated on pertinent tasks, but also I feel like my day now revolves around what I did for work and then presenting that and feeling like maybe I'm not doing enough

I am finding it hard to be interested in my art. I'm not sure if that's because I keep telling myself I'm not interested in creating art so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of making that statement true, or if there's some underlying issue causing this. I've made an attempt to delete social media (outside of Pinterest, which I use for creative inspiration for my job). I no longer use Farcaster, and for like 4 months I haven't used Twitter until recently, but still it's not really a thing for me right now.

When I go to the gym, I make sure to not make eye contact with anyone and I'm sure not going to talk to anyone. I'm just there to work out, accomplish the task of building muscle, and then leave. I don't go out to the bar, because for like 10 months I haven't drank so it's not fun to be around people that are drinking. I miss the club, or rather the feeling the club gave me. I can't find that anywhere else, because I can't find anyone that is wanting to live a life of discipline and genuine connection. Maybe they're in the back of their room typing like me right now.

If I could drive I would move to the woods, but I've never driven a car so that makes things difficult. Thankfully San Francisco has good public transit, but I'm just really tired of the crackheads on the street here, it's driving me insane. Going to the same coffee shop every morning is driving me insane. Not having friends to relate to is driving me insane. I don't want a blue-haired anarchist wearing Dr. Martens on the street handing me a flyer on climate change or to support the Palestinians in the war they're in when there are people right here in SF on the sidewalk dying of drug overdoses and homelessness that they pass by every day, including me. I'm guilty too. Let's focus on real shit happening in our country, here and now, not something halfway across the world or something we can't control. It's ironic that people in this country only wish to change that which they have no power to change, but when it comes to issues that are in fact solvable and real, it's glanced over. Enough on complaining about politics though, food for thought.

I'm thinking maybe I don't have friends because I've been doing everything in life alone up to this point, and I like the reliability of being alone. Everything that needs to be done, gets done when I'm the only one involved. I feel like I have the most control over my life when I'm alone. But it's a double edged sword. There's a saying: "Just because you're alone, doesn't make you lonely", which IMO is utter BS. It's like saying "just because you eat less calories doesn't mean you'll lose weight", no you will lose weight, that's how it works. If you become more alone, you are more likely to be lonely. And that's where I'm at. I don't want to put myself around unreliable people, out of shape people, alcoholics, bums, I want to be around driven people who see problems and are trying to find solutions, to their problems and other people's problems.

I recently told a guy that last part, and he said we weren't the right fit. Which is fair, because I project a lot and I'm trying to stop. My past and upbringing make me feel like I have to purposefully avoid any type of people that resemble my insecurities growing up, which in turn feels like maybe I'm setting unrealistic expectations for what I want to see in a friend. Maybe I'm the unreliable one. But damn it would be nice to have a driven partner in life. We'll see.

Next week me and the people at the company I work for are traveling to Japan - I think it will be fun. Previously I said never tell your dreams to other people until you've already accomplished them, but I have no one to tell because, again, I have no one to tell it to except this journal. Eventually I want to move to Japan. A while ago I bought Genki I, which is a primary school book for learning Japanese. I've always been attracted to the grand style of Ukiyo-e landscapes that tower over the observer and make them feel like there's some larger force to all of life. And so by immersing myself in Japan, probably in Osaka or something, it'll feel like I'll be able to live inside my imagination. There's a reverence to older Japanese woodblock prints, and I also like the non-conventionality of prints that came after Ukiyo when shin-hanga came along, that were more focused on evoking the emotion of the viewer through deep gradients, negative space, more colors, and more depth. Something in me feels like I wish I lived in the Edo period, for the sake of being in a calmer world.