A ROAR BELLOWS FROM THE ROOT OF MY BEING! what is this vile labyrinth of predilections my mind has become?! years and years of trying to know what it is that is coming one way or another have blocked the channel of non-action which allows for organic surprise to bubble up. it's never what will happen next, it's "it'll probably be this or that?" EXCUSE YOU WHO THE FUCK! HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE MOMENT COMING NEXT?!!? YOU INSOLENT HYPOCRITE. not even listening, not even living, only attempting to survive, as if danger were imminent as if understanding were needed and incompletion was present. defenses turn offensive when installed unknowingly, ceasing to be with and becoming within. scary? yes. deadly? always. pick out your coffin then! seal your personality in a tomb and write "bury after death" on it. retreat to the depths! no one can you reach you there! it MUST be SAFE, but it hurt it hurt it hurt. i didn't want it! would you have known not to do the same?! like building sandcastles at the beach, innocent to the purpose of the design, all too aware of the tide. surely it will reach the castle in time, but if you build the walls high enough! not even the ocean could lay siege to it! IMPREGNABLE! THIS MUST BE SUCCESS I HAVE WROUGHT. now, where was the exit again?
April 20, 2020