depressed

How can I be depressed? I am so puzzled. Sitting on the beach watching the most beautiful sunset clearly did not help. Not even the burning man-esque happy dancing music blasting in the distance accompanied with the soothing sounds of waves - people are clearly having fun - I can hear laughters, the air smells delicious, people are hugging, a couple surfers are catching waves from afar. Uhh, even one of my favorite songs came up in an attempt to make me dance.

In October of this year, I joined my dream team at work. People are so nice there and the projects are really interesting. But I had taken PTO today yet again - I felt bad that I haven't been productive at work. My teammates were being super supportive to the point I felt undeserving of their good will.

I have been living in Oahu for more than 2 months now. Before I came here, I had imagined that I would go surfing everyday after work. Well, so far I have gone surfing less than 5 times. It was difficult to find motivation to do anything. Failure of my own expectation surely takes myself to the dark side. Is this why? I have too many expectations?

I have never been depressed in my life. Sure, I have been sad from time to time - but most of the time I would return to my joyful self without qualms. I even remember random moments in my life where I ask myself "why am always so happy?". Being depressed is new to me, and I have no idea how to deal with it.

My life has been pretty great honestly - there are just so much to be thankful for. I am really looking forward to get back to the right track again - but how?


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