May 9, 2022•567 words
Today, I am riddled with thoughts of you. You have made a home for yourself in my headspace and I cannot seem to kick you out. If I knew what was good for me I probably would have a long time ago. But here you are, where my subconscious lives, only I would be lying if I said you didn't feel like home.
I had a conversation last night, as I have with others many previous times. They always seem to go the same way or follow the same thought process. "What is it about him?" and "You should let him go." Fuck. I have always been taught to guard my heart, but with you for some reason I can't. I want to give you every benefit, every opportunity, every chance. I want you to see yourself the way I see you. But most of all, I just want you. You as you are has always been the answer to the plaguing question, "What is it about him?"
Your walls have been built up so high, unsure how to love or trust sheerly because of the uncertainty that comes with it. But I know you love me, that I am certain of. You show me everyday in your own weird little way that at the end of the day, it's me.
That is why I am so torn. I am so torn between the idea of letting you go and opening myself to other possibilities, or sticking around because you are my best friend. I know at this moment you think that you cannot give me what I deserve, because I deserve the fucking world, and I know that. But would it really be so different than what we are doing now? The only thing missing is more vulnerability.
We have been stuck in this limbo for so long now, unable to let each other go. We have been so selfish with one another. It is raw, it is real, it is losing track of time talking and smiles between kisses. This is either going to be one hell of a lesson or this is it, and that's what's terrifying. How can I feel this way when we are not even together any more and when we have established this has to be platonic at least for now?
Every time I see your walls slowly crumble, you hasten to build them back up. You are one stubborn motherfucker.
But I am so grateful.
I am grateful that you let me in more than anyone else, grateful that I am always the person you come to, grateful for the way we challenge each other. We are two sides of the same coin. But am I too close to allow you to grow in the way you need? Are you hindering my growth? Everyday for the past eight months, these questions have played over and over in my head, torn between the acceptance of rationality and this voice in my head whispering how no one else has ever made me feel this way. You shine light on my darkest places, make me laugh when I can hardly muster a smile, and make me forget that we are not the only two people in this world when we are together. That's why the rational option fucking sucks. I guess I'll just have to figure it out.
I love you loser.