Battle Scars

When I was in my 20s and 30s I went to the gym to be tough. To train hard. To be strong. To be better than others. To be a girl who's stronger than the boys. To win competitions.

Now I'm older and fatter, I train to make the arthritis more bearable, to strengthen the muscles around the torn tendons and ligaments, to fight off baddies.

It took a few years to make peace with never deadlifting big numbers again. It took a few years to make peace with being unable to squat. It took a few years to accept training with machines instead of only free weights. To strip the identity of a strong person from my psyche and replace it with someone who's just trying to survive.

The battle scars and wisdom to not give a fuck have increased. I'm not quite there yet. I feel like it will take a bit longer to be comfortable in the gym being an older fatter person training to survive a perimenopausal life with trauma, injuries, and an increasing number of surgeries. I'll get there in time.