eating

I can't believe I am writing a blog post about this. I didn't think that I would ever be ready to.

Disclaimer, I don't have an eating disorder. At least from what I know, eating disorders stem from having issues with body image and involve many more symptoms that I did not have.
Even if I don't have an eating disorder, I will include a trigger warning... This is more of a personal story.

What happened was, I'm not even sure what time this started last year, but I started to have anxiety around eating in front of people. I think this stemmed from general problems with anxiety, and it got especially bad during AP season. For about 1-2 months I skipped or ate minimal lunch at school. I made sure to eat something after I got home, but that was at 4 pm so it usually blended in with dinner. Breakfast was often skimpy because there was barely any time to eat during morning rush. I started to feel lightheaded often and I thought it was because I wasn't getting enough sleep but it was probably due to not getting enough nutrition. My dad would point out my barely touched lunch container and I would try to think of an excuse or just ignore him. Having him worrying over it only made the anxiety worse. I didn't realize how much of a problem it really was until I got strep during the last week of school and had a doctor checkup. When I saw that my weight was 106 lbs on the scale and it settled there, I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach because this is the lowest weight I have had in a WHILE. I'm not sure how much I weighed in elementary school but in 7th and 8th grade I weighed around 117-125 lbs consistently. I think the last time I had a doctor checkup was before the New Year, and I was 113 lbs. I was hoping that my family doctor wouldn't bring up my weight but she did and said she was worried that my weight has been decreasing and that she may need to check in with me if the next time it still decreases. I was like "oh ok sorry I was really stressed I promise next time I'll bring it back up".

Then I went into summer. I explained this problem to some of my friends and I often got takeout myself, stayed behind to finish up, or packed food into my container. I remember I was out at a Chinese restaurant with my friends and for some reason I got really bad anxiety and I didn't touch ANY of my food. I ended up finishing it afterwards, but I could tell my friends were worried about me, and that made my anxiety worse. I think at least 3 times I had anxiety attacks in the dining hall and I had to go to the bathroom to calm myself. It was like a negative feedback loop: I was worried about my weight, so I feel a need to eat more, which puts a lot of pressure on me and then I can't eat, and then when I can't eat I get more anxious and my weight suffers. I'm not sure if any of that made sense.

I bought a lot of snacks though, and miraculously when I got home I saw that I gained 4 lbs. I can't explain to you the relief I felt seeing that.

A lot of people have been telling me that I look skinny now. My family friend could even tell over Zoom call :skull:. Quincy told me that. The first thing that V's mom said when she saw me was "she's so skinny now". :skull: x2. I'm not sure how to feel about being called skinny. I'm not underweight for my height, but I'm on the skinny side (22 percentile). I have a very neutral stance, I think. For the most part, I don't like being reminded of those days of anxiety. And I hate the notion that being skinny means you can fit into your clothes better and look prettier. I think instead of pursuing body types we should be prioritizing health.

Somehow after I got home I have been eating absolutely normal now. I can put food into my mouth and swallow it without feeling lightheaded or like I'm going to throw up. I eat a good amount for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I missed the homemade meals of my mom and dad and the freedom to grab snacks from the cabinet or ice cream from the fridge without worrying about my wallet. My parents are packing less lunch for me to take it one step at a time, so I don't feel a pressure to finish all the food. Luckily, I feel healthy now.

I think the most important thing is that you have to make sure you get your proper nutrition. Eat all your 3 meals and don't skip them for whatever reason (even if it's "academics", shhhh, your health is much more important). Limit snacks and don't eat 1 hour before having a meal so you can have room to get a proper serving.