scrambled thoughts week of 9/20

Note: the chain of reasoning in these paragraphs is nonexistent. I might edit this later.

[Locking in again and romanticizing school]
Bad study habits like procrastinating will bite you in the butt! I had three tests in a row: APES, AP Physics 2, and Linear Algebra. I procrastinated on studying for APES and went to sleep at 3 am that night. Then I was like, "OK something's gotta change". To address the blog post "afraid of locking in", after realizing and analyzing the psychology behind it, I started to lock in again this week. You know how some YouTubers advise you to romanticize school? Unknowingly I did that in middle school and 9th grade, but I wouldn't call that "romanticize". I would use a different word: gaslight. I used to say that I didn't have a subject that I was the most passionate about because I could manipulate myself into thinking I liked any subject. Now, there are certainly subjects I love more and come easier to me than others, but some extent of my previous self remains true: I still love learning for the sake of learning, and there's something satisfying when you finally understand concepts or master a topic. For that reason, I appreciate taking AP classes--completing them feels like a badge of honor that credits your hard work throughout the year.

[Waking up early and finally settling into a routine sleep schedule]
To address a previous blog post of my bad habits, specifically my sleep schedule, I've been making sure that I do not feel sleep deprived but not staying in bed for too long. I've found that the happy medium is 6 hours. I also found that I feel more productive when I sleep early and wake up early in the morning because it feels like I'm getting a head start to my day by getting some work done. On the first day, I woke up and it was 6:30 a.m. It was dark in my room and I realized that I was changing my sleep schedule around. I felt pretty refreshed because there were no distractions, just me and my work, and I was able to focus and get a lot done.
A week usually goes like this:
Sunday-Monday: 12:30-7 am (6.5)
Monday-Tuesday: 12:30-6:30 am (6)
Tuesday-Wednesday: 12:30-6 (5.5)
Wednesday-Thursday: 12:30-7 (6.5)
Thursday-Friday: 12:30-7 (6.5)
Firday-Saturday: 12:30-6 (5.5)
Saturday-Sunday: 12:30-8 (7.5, sleep in a bit)

[Stop being so hard on yourself & don't think, just do]
I'm still very hard on myself. For example, I'll set out a very ambitious to-do list and then feel terrible if I start taking breaks or only finish 50% of it. It's normal to not adhere to your schedule because things are going to come up in your day. Your mom might want to talk to you for an hour; your friend might call; some event might happen; you might feel too tired and you want to take a break; you don't feel like doing one thing but you feel like doing the other and so you switch them around. Or some events like family or school obligations pop up. Or you have been too ambitious and believe that you could finish a certain thing in a short amount of time but you took longer than you planned. I don't think that this indicates any failing on my part. As long as I'm trying to be efficient with my time, I think it's fine if I don't follow your schedule accordingly. My schedule is not like a predictor of your life; it's just a blueprint of how I'm going to live out my day. My mom tells me it's a waste of time to feel bad over such things. I'm not sure how to translate what she said, but basically: if you can be so hard on yourself in your head, why don't you put that energy into actually enforcing it/doing your work?

[Being labeled as a tryhard]
I guess in school I am labeled as "smart", but this can sometimes get oppressing. I was a big tryhard in freshman and sophomore year and most people are very nonchalant about academics, so I think I got labeled as a "nerd". I don't really care what people who aren't my friends think, but I still don't want to be labeled negatively. It causes a lot of shame whenever I want to raise my hand, when it's only because I want to participate. I don't think I should care so much, because it's impossible for everyone to like you. Just do what is best for you and not care about what the rest of people think.

People used to ask me questions about schoolwork, and I would feel bad if I didn't know how to solve it. But I think that saying "I don't know" is perfectly fine! Two of my girl friends used to glaze me for being "mature" and having good grades. First of all, I don't think I'm that mature (but we can discuss what mature means later). Second, I don't think good grades is equivalent to your self-worth nor should it make up any percentage of it. I definitely used to overly rely on my grades to make myself feel better, but that's something called academic validation, which is actually a really toxic mindset. I read this NYT article and one quote stayed with me: people like you not for what you do, but how good of a person you are.

[The seniors]
I have a lot of classes with seniors and I can feel secondhand stress coming through. They are talking about their personal statements, college lists, and early decision.
I know it might be early for me to start thinking about where I should ED, but to be honest I haven't had a "dream college" in a while, and I'm hesitant to have one because I don't think that I should become emotionally attached to an institution, but it's good to have a goal.

[Unstressful childhood]
I miss childhood, how there was no stress or things to worry about. Once I went through the teenager rite of passage I feel like things started to have more weight. I was an obnoxious little kid: very talkative, hotheaded, stubborn, and had a lot of interesting ideas. I found school to be tedious and monotone so I just drew dragons on my math homework. It suffices to say that I was not a good student, though I got A's, I was not an active participant or a teacher's pet in any means. Then COVID hit, and from stumbling through online communities I discovered an essential aspect of myself that I can't let go--something that I still think too much about. That is, I am Asian. I realized that I needed to do certain things so my parents wouldn't compare me to my best friends or feel like I'm an odd one out. And that is my backstory of how I became a tryhard (bows).

[Reflection on M, a week after]
I don't hate him with a burning passion like some of his enemies do. In fact, I don't hate him--I just wanted to take a break from being in his presence. In general, I don't hate anyone. I think it's a waste of mental energy and it creates more drama in your life. Gossiping about others behind their backs just proves that you are insecure. I also think that if you are friends with someone and all you talk about is gossip and they aren't even interested in who you are as a person, then that is a superficial friendship and it cannot last long. I want to talk about our interests, hobbies, preferences, obsessions, dreams, fears, pet peeves, stances on debatable issues... not about other people. Or if they're always trying to create drama or hear the gossip, then they're nosy and you should watch out.

[Friends in high school + Connection]
Your friends change throughout high school and at the end of your four years you will end up with the people who you are supposed to be with and that's what I've always heard. Maybe you won't and I think that's fine too--the people at college or in work are who you can vibe with. When I left PROMYS, I regretted not having more time with people that I didn't know. Similarly, I'm afraid I'm going to regret not spending more time with the people I care about. I'm young--I can make mistakes now and not regret them later.
On Wednesday I was talking to AJ and he has always been very honest with me about his feelings. He said that he doesn't feel like he connects well with other people. I feel the same way. It feels like if the other people is a sweaty tryhard then I have to gatekeep everything and that's hard to become friends with someone who is intent on competing with you. Or if they are not a tryhard then they live lives that I can't even comprehend. Watching movies with parents for three hours? Hanging out every weekend? Sleepovers? Man, I haven't done that in years. I wish my life was like that though.
I want to glaze one of my friends, W, for a little bit. I have known him since second grade (almost 10 years) and we have been friends since. Even if we hang out in separate circles, we're still very close and he is so unproblematic. After each talk, I feel happier. Like how a good friend should be. He's funny, extremely smart, obsessed with math and tech in general, and overall a kind person. He's really smart, but his parents want him to save money so he is planning to attend a state college. One of the most admirable qualities about him is that he explores math not out of pressure or expectations but due to genuine interest. You can see it in the way he talks about it, his Desmos graphs, and random facts he brings up to me in conversation. Maybe it's because he's white and hasn't been exposed to comp math. I feel like those two factors can inevitably take away one's genuine passion for math and reduce it to a game of comparison.

[What I look for in a partner]
On a semi-related note, that is why I haven't liked many Asians. For some reason, my friends thought that I would look for an Asian as a potential love interest, but I don't want to because most of them are traumatized by their families (well, I guess I'm certainly not exempt from that). People keep accusing me of having a white fetish, which I don't think is even a thing, and referencing the "Oxford theory", which is from TikTok so I do not trust its credibility.

During a lake trip, my friends and I were discussing what we wanted in a partner. They brought up lots of good points, but some of them especially resonated with me: willingness to improve, knowledgable, unproblematic, hardworking, and has a sense of humor. Besides these qualities, they have to be a good person, of course. All jokes of "white fetish" pushed aside because race does not matter to me, I think in general I like feminine men because they have higher emotional intelligence and don't act weird whenever I start talking about girly things. "Lisa likes stick men because she can just knock them over and win them in a fight", one of my friends joked. While I want the relationship to be on equal grounds, I must admit that I prefer lanky guys over the bulky muscular gym bros with baguette-like stomaches. Muscles don't turn me on in the slightest, and being overly obsessed with working out and resorting to eating only protein bars/shakes is a red flag. As as you don't make your biceps your personality, I do admire the work ethic because I certainly cannot call the gym my home if my life was on the line.

[Dressing up more]
This week I have been dressing up more. I never considered myself to have a fashion sense. In eighth grade I would wear black leggings and the crusty gray P.E. hoodie every day, until my history teacher told me that I should dress up more. I thought she was being sexist because boys could do the same and nobody would notice whereas girls always feel the societal pressure to make themselves presentable. That's why people say "I see a hot guy every three months but I see a drop-dead gorgeous female every day". Being the defiant thirteen-year-old I was, I was even less inclined to dress up after the teacher's comment. Then I stumbled across a channel on YouTube called BestDressed, and this may sound cringe, but she made me feel like I could become a fashionist too. Yesterday I was talking to S and B about how they spend their free money from refereeing soccer games, and S says she spends it all on shoes and clothes. It's now one of my goals to thrift some outfit staples after submitting college apps.