Into a Relationship

My life has been going great and my days have been busy, but once in a while, a thought creeps into my mind - “only a few days left before he asks me the question”.

It’s not a “will you marry me,” but simply a “will you be my girlfriend”. I know this because he told me the exact date when he’ll ask me (why he did so is a story for another time). It was a simple question that I would have said yes to in a heartbeat if asked four months ago. However, asking me now, after he surfaced doubts into our partnership, I couldn’t possibly not hesitate.

It’s a yes because I feel this connection that I don’t feel with other people. I once dated a guy (by once, I mean we went out on three dates) who, in hindsight, had everything I needed to feel secure. We had the same goals in life and I like the way he navigates through his career and his relationship with his family. I once in a while look back and feel positive things from dating him. But despite this, I feel no pang in my chest for letting that one go, because I didn’t feel this certain “thing” from him. Maybe because he just came out of a long-term relationship, but the dynamic we’ve had during those three dates wasn’t one that I was looking for.* After feeling the positive feelings from looking back (mostly hope knowing that guys like that do exist around my location), I also feel like it truly is difficult to meet someone where you could have a certain type of “connection” with.

It’s a yes because he was there during my “transition period”. I was no longer at my lowest during that time, but he was beside me while I worked on being where I am now. During my boards review, he helped me a lot - from making me flashcards to driving me to places to being that one “constant” thing during a stressful time. Acts of service is my love language, and him being there, being supportive through his actions, I just can’t help but fall in love with him deeply.

It’s a no because I’m not sure if he sees me the same way that I do. While I keep in mind the smallest details of his stories, he doesn’t seem to remember even the ones I told him twice. He sometimes change the topic when I mention a somber memory that I secretly want to expound with him. He doesn’t ask for my opinion on his future plans.

It’s a no because growing up, I was told of only one thing to look for in a man. They said I should only marry a guy who loves me more than I love him, someone who would insist to stay and work things out when something goes wrong. However, in thirteen months of dating, we already decided to part ways twice after he told me about his uncertainties in taking the risk of entering a relationship with me. I told him early on that I despise on-and-off relationships, because of how it makes me feel the relationship is disposable, and that’s exactly how I felt during those times. He apologized and he looks like he’s enlightened now, though.

It’s a yes because he chose me. It took a lot of second guessing but he clearly chooses me now. I am aware how seriously he takes being in a relationship, and after thinking (and possibly also overthinking) things through, he chooses to be with me. During a pregnancy scare, he was even there to tell me that he was ready to stay with me and build the family with me. (I clearly did not want that to happen early on, but his reassurance calmed me.) The doubt on whether he would keep choosing me looms my mind, but only time could answer that question.

It’s a no because I’m having second thoughts now. People kept saying that the decision that would most influence your success in life would be choosing your spouse. Being in my late 20’s and planning to build a family, I feel pressured that I choose the right one now. My room for error is very limited. And the man I am in love with now seems like a walking question mark. Does he bring out the best in me? Career-wise, how supportive would he be? Would communicating when making decisions be easy with this man? Does he actually want the same things I want? Does he actually want me?

Instead of being excited, I am nervous. I’ve been praying that I make the right decision, and meditating that I don’t neglect my current responsibilities while I can’t get this off my mind. Should I say yes? Or should I say no? I have two days left.

• (This other guy insists that I couldn’t possibly understand Marvel movies, he enjoys pointing out my height (it’s not offensive, just weird that he seems to have a very mild fixation), he didn’t have my back when I forgot to give a tip to a parking guy, and he didn’t seem that interested in getting to know me as much as he was in telling me what his “type” is.)