Giving up..

..but on what? On what I need to give up so I can continue instead of starting over an old pattern?

What I am living right now can be compared a bit like « the house that sends you mad » (or madhouse) in the twelve tasks of Asterix.

Resume... Obelix and Asterix need a copy of « permit #838 » so they can continue on their way to the next task. For a little while, they are following the regular process, hoping it will bring them to that unfamous permit #838. And then it start a gigantic chain reaction: need a form to get another form to get another one, jumping desk to desk, desk number are not in any logical sequence, dealing with people that does not really care about their job and what you want. They have soon realised: they can be stronger as they want, this is not what will allow them to get the permit and go on. They find another way to go around the regular process, to break the pattern and get the copy of that unfamous permit #838. They gotwhat they need quicker then following the known established process!

So, for years now, I followed the regular process and I was very patient. Doing the same things over and over again, answering the same questions, answering frankly, talking about all my weaknesses, hopin that will get the « Permit #838 » to get help. On the contrary, looks like everything that I say is not listened, the same pattern is always told - do not call us, we will probable call you within a year.

Two weeks ago, I have broken the pattern for the first time. Instead of going at the hospital - which was impossible at this time - doing urgent requests and waiting at home with a sleeping medication, I have found, with the help of a hotline, a place where I finally did something based on very good counsils from people who are not even recognized a psychologists.. but they should be, because they are very good, better then what their official status requires. In two weeks I did more with them then with any psychiatrist I consulted.

From there, preparing my leave, we - me and a staff - planned different possible scenarios so I can continue with external help, until I am called back and being assigned to a psychiatrist. Two on three were kept: a new social worker (not the one I have previously tried to work with, twice) and/or a therapy with a local organism.

I called right away (four days before my leave) so I can open a file and get a new social worker. Not that therapy makes me afraid.. well it does, but it's also disturbing a bit. I want to start working as soon as I can and it can become complicated with work. FORGET ALL ABOUT THiS: I am not saying a word about my condition to any employer. It is a weakness for me, used as a weapon by others. YES, the world is mad at this point.

Twenty-five minutes on the phone later, my file is updated with a nurse taking inbound calls. I have also said my short and mid term objectives and why I did not wanted my previous social worker. When asked, I explained I do not want to start with someone and then be switched to another so I do not have to start over and over again and again. I prefer to wait to get the one who will accept my file. This is why the call took so long. The nurse had work to do to help me breaking a pattern. Nice of her!!

The nurse took notes. I have heard the keyboard in the background and she also stopped me by moment because she was not able to write everything she needed.

So, that previous social worker called me last week, heights days after the request (very quick recall here). She told me she wanted to meet with me to update my file and see if, really, I need a new of social worker.. A very long and painfull process started there; and a good ol' pattern is starting over again.

The last time a request was sent there to see a social worker, it was the second time it was requested and my previous social worker called me back, requesting the same thing for the same reasons. I played the game. Two months after I was not sleeping, doing nightmares, because of the pressure. I choked. After trying to join her, I finally left a calm and confused message (I was the one confused) on her voicemail, thanking her for calling back and unfortunately, I was seeing a pattern starting over and I was trying to avoid it. I have said I will see for other options and wished her a good day. Hanging up the phone and calling the organism about the therapy.

They did not told me this, but after discussing with the person taking my call, they can not really help me. They are an organism specialised in first line help for violent persons. They are the first to call, before someone else calls the police. Very good thing and I bow at them for being able to deal with this. BUT..

My problem is that I am probably not enough violent in my daily life. WAiT A MiNUTE.. WAIT!! It means: if I had activities requiring more energy, more power, my situation could be a bit different. I do not have physical activities really. I was playing gold years ago, walking the fields where I was permitted, my bag on my back. I do not play golf since 2015. It is expensive and I do not have golf partners. Ok, so what is next? I called back the hotline

I wanted to know if other places I can call and check with.

I think the guy who took the call was in training. He totally freaked out, not knowing what to answer at all, his voice was confused, shaking, I do not know a guitar player that can do a better tremolo.

After maybe ten minutes, seeing that it was going nowhere, I simply told him "to get more training" (kidding, I just thought about it) and that I will callback the place I was for the last two weeks.. what I did.

The staff who answered the phone call was not one of those assigned to my file when I was there. I understand that she do not really want to talk to me, she did not follow my file. So she offered to talk to her colleague.. Okay!

Her colleague, a man, also not assigned to my file but knew about it, took the call. Okay..??

We chatted for about five minutes, but it was the first time we were chatting. He was trying hard to follow a guideline.. that I was not following and he was not comfortable. The pattern was broken :) He told me he would talk about my situation with staff who were assigned to my file - some will be there for a shift that night - and I will be called back soon.. Okay! I was called less then twwenty-four hours later!!!! By the same guy... Okaaaay???

Stranger then the day before, I am fuckin' stunned! I am trying not to explode, laughing my ass off out lound!! Him, calling me back? What THE FUCK?? Oh, and no solution was found, except going back there for another week or so... Okaaaay WHAT???? YOU, calling ME back?? What is wrong with you buddy!?!!!

Why the hell do you call me back? Why YOU? Why not one of the four staff assigned to my file then? Did you really consult them? At least, one of them? I am not sure because all would have told you « DON'T CALL HiM BACK, I will.. ». They know me enough to that call can be a disaster if it is done by the book. I am sure he is good, but not for me. On the other hand, i DO NOT WANT to see that guy too mad.. ouffff that voice would change and become terrifying. So now, heeeeee.. yes, ok no solution..

I do not care, I was sort of ready to hear this because he was trying to tell me the day before. What I was not ready for is him! I remember I have said that it was not an urgent call, I was calling to let them know the plans were not working as planned and I needed new ways to continue. I have said this specially for him to understand that he do not have to call me back, other have do it.

I do not understand what happened there and I am not sure I want to ask. What if I ask the head staff, the one that should have been called first about this and I get a "no, not called!"? Do I ask the others? Worse, he offered me to go back there, but what if none of the four wanted to call me back and he lost at straws? Damn it! That last one could not be believable due to the offer, but my head di go to that point.

Anyway, I will probably go visit on tuesday afternoon. Usually at least on of the regular staff is there on that day. Maybe a copy of « Permit #838 » will be obtained!

-FBF