Old Kid

@40but15

As per my birth certificate, I am 40 y/o. However, some evidence showed otherwise... 18/19/21 & + MATURE/EXPLiCiT CONTENT

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No more buying beer from now.

.. ..... .......... ... .. .LOL!! LMFAOL!!! LMFAOFOL!!!!

could not resist. They are maybe just 473ml each, but I fucking bought two of them yesterday. I do not even know why. I do not have the taste of it; I never really had. Well, still one left. Yup! One was enough to put me drunk!

I do not know where I am right now. I mean, I know I am at my home, in my living room, in front of my computer, typing this. Anything else is unknown.

I wish to go sleeping and not waking up.. again. It starts all over again.. pattern.. circle.. fuck.

-FBF

still..

..radio silence since my last post. Lot to do around here.

Well, at least, the "war" between M and S is over. They get along now.

But I still want to die.

I do not know why. It just passes in my head « I wish I would not be alive ».

No particular reason.

Just.. I wish I would not live.

Weird.

I just can not stand this anymore.

I do not know what to do.

Call back the special place? Already? I not event out since a month. Am I at this point weak? Less then three weeks and I need to go back?

I have drank twenty ishhh beers in the last week. I do not remember the last time I have drank that much.. I was too drunk to remember. No more buying beer from now.

-FBF

Radio silence..

..I had a lot to do.. or let's say I have found a lot to do.

First of all, I had to take care of S. Practically traumatised of being kidnapped a morning at 5:30 am, I see her more and more lurking around in the place and spitting on M when she sees him. M is a bit depressed that she is not more friendly.

I also started coding stuff in PHP. Nothing too complicated, basic stuff just to keep my mind busy somewhere else and make work my brain in a more logical way. Logic is the base of programming, so it is a good thing to keep running in my head.

I did not play poker since... ... .... Canada day I think. Did I played in july yet? I do not remember. I am working on a project, where I will have time to play poker, after this. No I am not planning on winning a major tournament and make millions.. .... .... ... .. .yet!

My mom sort of let me know she will take S back when she will come back from her vacations. I am not sure at all I want to give her back.. until the next time. On the other hand, my mom visited quickly on sunday afternoon and S had a lovely reaction. She got out of her 'bunker' and ran at my mom. When she (my mom) left, S stayed at the door for a little while, hoping she will be taken back home. The return is scheduled on the 25th.. will see there. Maybe I will prefer to give her back at this time.

Well, litters cleaning time!

Thanks for passing by!

-FBF

I am heartbroken..

..where am I? where are you? where did you sent me? Where I was taken? Please come and get me.

If you can hear me, I am in a place similar then our home. It is also familiar, I recongnize some odors. I think I lived here before.. with someone else.

I am hidding, hoping that all this is a bad dream. I am afraid, terrified. I hope to wake up soon and see you as usual.. but I do not. I woke up twice since and I saw another person. A man that I do not really know nothing about, but looks familiar.. and he is the one taking care of me, like you do usually.

What the fuck is going on? Where are you? Why are you not taking care of me anymore? Am I dreaming?

I am hidding, hoping I will hear your voice calling my name and you will take me back home. There is also that other one in the place.. a male.. another one, who looks familiar.. but I do not know him.

Where are you, you that I know? I do not care about them, I care about you! Please come and take me back home!

I rencently lost a friend. I saw her getting out of the home in your arms and never saw her again. I wonder why you did come back alone this night, but it was not good. I thought she ran away and was lost, so I tried to help her find the way back home.. but she did not came back..

I am hidding, hoping I will smell you odor and wake up of this nightmare.. but I am starting of thinking now, that I lost you. Did I? Please no, come back and take me home, where I, where we belong.

That man, taking care of me, he comes a lots to check on me everyday, telling me how sorry he is about what is happening. What is he talking about? What is this all about?

Please, hear me! I am hidding and I am waiting for you. I am not so far but I can not escape the place and go back at you. Come and take me back home soon!

-S

I don't..

..feel good right now. I feel like I have been manipulated for over a month now.

All the event from may to today are replaying in my head and I was manipulated since the day J left this world at the vet.

From that day, my mom knew I would never let her put S to sleep for good for any reason.

So she played the game for a while.

This morning, at 5:30am, when she asked me to go at the vet with S, I had no choice then to take S with me or she was dying during the day; it was the ultimatum.

I see also that awful image: me, trying to grab S in my arms, her frightened and struggles, fighthing to be free, explaining to her that if she does not come with me right now, she will be dead before sunset.

I was crying this morning, writing the lines.. and I still feel very sad, writing these. I just can not believe what happened today. I can not believe I have heard an excuse based on vacations to "finally" kill a cat. When you re at this point in your life, you have a problem.

It was a long day, in which the time did go fast. I am totally disconnected.

Oh, and by the way: S is hidding in my wardrobe right now, but she did not pee or poop anywhere yet. The only thing she is waiting for is her master, that left her behind thid morning.

-FBF

I do walk the line..

..which is a very big problem since I am looking for specialized help. I should listen more at what Johnny says.

That guy from the place I did go for two weeks and was not comfortable to talk with me. This is why the lack of comfort.

Social workers, same issue there.

Psychiatrists, specialists: again!

They are following a guide line, a canvas, a step by step guide, helping them to pose a possible diagnotic.

It looks like an organizational chart with rhombus on it. Each contains questions bringing to a true or false possible answer about a "feeling" that we can or can not control. Depending on the answers received, they are going true or false to the next rhombus, etc.. until they hit a rectangle, telling them possible causes and some treatments. Even there, they are sure of nothing.

I can answer two, three or SEVEEEEEEN questions in an answer, not in the order of their plan, skip somes and come back. I can not follow their flow as they can not follow mine. I am lost, I am trying to find myself and I lose them quickly; they are not able to maintain control of the session.

OK, now.. I have found that place three weeks ago and I have finally found people I can work with.. so they - these people I can work with - exist! Where there is one, there are more, right?

How to find them now..

-FBF

So, I have a new roommate..

..her name is S. She is a wonderful black and white female of about five years old.

She is a cat.

It is 5:35 am and I know my mom does not have coffee this morning. I know, because I had to borrow her coffee two days ago and she asked me to grab some for her at the grocery store when I saw what was left. So at the door upstairs to gave her coffee.

First question I was asked: « do you wan to go at the vet with the cat please? She pees around the litter since J (her other cat, another female) is gone and I do not know what to do with her. I am going in vacations soon and I will not be able to go if she is doing this. »

..... .... ....... ..hmmmm how is it said...oh yes: WHAT THE FUCK iS WRONG WiTH YOU???

Ok, so your cat pees around the litter, not in anymore, since a dramatic event happened and you want to put her at sleep for good for this?? At 5:30 am?? Talking about not being able to leave in vacations, because of this??

WHAT THE FUCK iS WRONG WiTH YOU???

Enough is enough. Since a bit more then a month, fourty-two days to be exact, my mom is talking to get rid of S for stupid reasons. We were not even out of the vet, when J had to be putted at sleep and she was talking to get rid of S, mainly because she did not want animals anymore. I did everything I could to convince her not to; she still has one animal to take care of and both will need eachother for a little while to go throught this. It looks like the only way of my mom was to get rid of S as soon as she can, so she can barry and forget.

Sooooo I took S out of the place right away. She is in my home now with M; my cat.

Both were friend with J and they have lived togheter, the three of them, for about six months in 2016. Also J and M lived togheter for near three years before this time. We were living in a intergenerational house we (me, my mom and her ex-boyfriend (that I really do not like) - bougth at the time. Then my mom moved, I was out of town, I was coming back soon and OF COURSE taking back M with me.

S was the cat of the mom of her ex-boyfriend - that I do not like really - and my mom took S with her when the mother died. J was used to live with M and I was coming back home moving in my own place.

I could not let her go so easy like this. This problem can be corrected. My mom just does not want to help it.

It started she was peeing at the door where J got out of the place the last time. We thought it was to help J to find her way back home. S will understand that she is gone and will stop.. and it stopped.. well, sort of..

After using some tricks or her own (my mom is very granny tricks) she (S) did go back near by the litter, but not in and for peeing only. Poops are in the litter. Once again, we thought it was to help J to find her way back home. AFter all, their litter is the center of their universe. When there is a litter, there are also shelter, food, comfort and love. S still have hope the J came back and she can find her friend back.

Now that she has an ol'friend back with her, in a new place, maybe she will come back normal and pee in her litter. For now, I will keep the separated.

-FBF

Not a bad day..

..not at all. A bit of high thinking - not over thinking - but I was able to do something not so bad of my day. I can not say something good, because.. ... ..well I was not a good day. It was a "not a bad" day.

After all, I am still alive, "ejoying" the Canada day, like any other canadian; not doing anything special, but enjoying the free time.

Actually, I have a lots of free time to enjoy any other day. So, it is not something I was waiting for. It is just another day, but everything is setup like a sunday.

It just happens and I have to enjoy it.

So, I will.

Happy Canada Day fellow canadians!

-FBF

Giving up..

..but on what? On what I need to give up so I can continue instead of starting over an old pattern?

What I am living right now can be compared a bit like « the house that sends you mad » (or madhouse) in the twelve tasks of Asterix.

Resume... Obelix and Asterix need a copy of « permit #838 » so they can continue on their way to the next task. For a little while, they are following the regular process, hoping it will bring them to that unfamous permit #838. And then it start a gigantic chain reaction: need a form to get another form to get another one, jumping desk to desk, desk number are not in any logical sequence, dealing with people that does not really care about their job and what you want. They have soon realised: they can be stronger as they want, this is not what will allow them to get the permit and go on. They find another way to go around the regular process, to break the pattern and get the copy of that unfamous permit #838. They gotwhat they need quicker then following the known established process!

So, for years now, I followed the regular process and I was very patient. Doing the same things over and over again, answering the same questions, answering frankly, talking about all my weaknesses, hopin that will get the « Permit #838 » to get help. On the contrary, looks like everything that I say is not listened, the same pattern is always told - do not call us, we will probable call you within a year.

Two weeks ago, I have broken the pattern for the first time. Instead of going at the hospital - which was impossible at this time - doing urgent requests and waiting at home with a sleeping medication, I have found, with the help of a hotline, a place where I finally did something based on very good counsils from people who are not even recognized a psychologists.. but they should be, because they are very good, better then what their official status requires. In two weeks I did more with them then with any psychiatrist I consulted.

From there, preparing my leave, we - me and a staff - planned different possible scenarios so I can continue with external help, until I am called back and being assigned to a psychiatrist. Two on three were kept: a new social worker (not the one I have previously tried to work with, twice) and/or a therapy with a local organism.

I called right away (four days before my leave) so I can open a file and get a new social worker. Not that therapy makes me afraid.. well it does, but it's also disturbing a bit. I want to start working as soon as I can and it can become complicated with work. FORGET ALL ABOUT THiS: I am not saying a word about my condition to any employer. It is a weakness for me, used as a weapon by others. YES, the world is mad at this point.

Twenty-five minutes on the phone later, my file is updated with a nurse taking inbound calls. I have also said my short and mid term objectives and why I did not wanted my previous social worker. When asked, I explained I do not want to start with someone and then be switched to another so I do not have to start over and over again and again. I prefer to wait to get the one who will accept my file. This is why the call took so long. The nurse had work to do to help me breaking a pattern. Nice of her!!

The nurse took notes. I have heard the keyboard in the background and she also stopped me by moment because she was not able to write everything she needed.

So, that previous social worker called me last week, heights days after the request (very quick recall here). She told me she wanted to meet with me to update my file and see if, really, I need a new of social worker.. A very long and painfull process started there; and a good ol' pattern is starting over again.

The last time a request was sent there to see a social worker, it was the second time it was requested and my previous social worker called me back, requesting the same thing for the same reasons. I played the game. Two months after I was not sleeping, doing nightmares, because of the pressure. I choked. After trying to join her, I finally left a calm and confused message (I was the one confused) on her voicemail, thanking her for calling back and unfortunately, I was seeing a pattern starting over and I was trying to avoid it. I have said I will see for other options and wished her a good day. Hanging up the phone and calling the organism about the therapy.

They did not told me this, but after discussing with the person taking my call, they can not really help me. They are an organism specialised in first line help for violent persons. They are the first to call, before someone else calls the police. Very good thing and I bow at them for being able to deal with this. BUT..

My problem is that I am probably not enough violent in my daily life. WAiT A MiNUTE.. WAIT!! It means: if I had activities requiring more energy, more power, my situation could be a bit different. I do not have physical activities really. I was playing gold years ago, walking the fields where I was permitted, my bag on my back. I do not play golf since 2015. It is expensive and I do not have golf partners. Ok, so what is next? I called back the hotline

I wanted to know if other places I can call and check with.

I think the guy who took the call was in training. He totally freaked out, not knowing what to answer at all, his voice was confused, shaking, I do not know a guitar player that can do a better tremolo.

After maybe ten minutes, seeing that it was going nowhere, I simply told him "to get more training" (kidding, I just thought about it) and that I will callback the place I was for the last two weeks.. what I did.

The staff who answered the phone call was not one of those assigned to my file when I was there. I understand that she do not really want to talk to me, she did not follow my file. So she offered to talk to her colleague.. Okay!

Her colleague, a man, also not assigned to my file but knew about it, took the call. Okay..??

We chatted for about five minutes, but it was the first time we were chatting. He was trying hard to follow a guideline.. that I was not following and he was not comfortable. The pattern was broken :) He told me he would talk about my situation with staff who were assigned to my file - some will be there for a shift that night - and I will be called back soon.. Okay! I was called less then twwenty-four hours later!!!! By the same guy... Okaaaay???

Stranger then the day before, I am fuckin' stunned! I am trying not to explode, laughing my ass off out lound!! Him, calling me back? What THE FUCK?? Oh, and no solution was found, except going back there for another week or so... Okaaaay WHAT???? YOU, calling ME back?? What is wrong with you buddy!?!!!

Why the hell do you call me back? Why YOU? Why not one of the four staff assigned to my file then? Did you really consult them? At least, one of them? I am not sure because all would have told you « DON'T CALL HiM BACK, I will.. ». They know me enough to that call can be a disaster if it is done by the book. I am sure he is good, but not for me. On the other hand, i DO NOT WANT to see that guy too mad.. ouffff that voice would change and become terrifying. So now, heeeeee.. yes, ok no solution..

I do not care, I was sort of ready to hear this because he was trying to tell me the day before. What I was not ready for is him! I remember I have said that it was not an urgent call, I was calling to let them know the plans were not working as planned and I needed new ways to continue. I have said this specially for him to understand that he do not have to call me back, other have do it.

I do not understand what happened there and I am not sure I want to ask. What if I ask the head staff, the one that should have been called first about this and I get a "no, not called!"? Do I ask the others? Worse, he offered me to go back there, but what if none of the four wanted to call me back and he lost at straws? Damn it! That last one could not be believable due to the offer, but my head di go to that point.

Anyway, I will probably go visit on tuesday afternoon. Usually at least on of the regular staff is there on that day. Maybe a copy of « Permit #838 » will be obtained!

-FBF

This is it..

..I quit. I have enough.

I just do not understand. I will not try because I find this game stupid and I do not want to become stupid as you are.

I worked so hard to do not become a stupid moron like you, nobody will force me to be one.

I will die before this.

So go fuck yourselves and die.

-FBF

maybe I did go too far..

..I tried my best. I think I failed.

This morning, I received a sort of command during a discussion: « you will take this in your appartment, because I said so. »

My mom talked about a piece of furniture of a mid-high value (five hundreds to a thousand dollars) that she needs to move from the house she is renting and she do not have any place to store it in her appartment (4½ she occupies alone) until it is sold. Her and her ex-boyfirend - that I do not really like - tried to sale it online, without success for now.

The next thing I know, dead line is this weekend and I, by miracle, have a free room in my appartment*

*The reason why the room is free is because I need it like this to temporary store my furnitures when I will paint et decorate the place. The only thing I need to do it is paint. I can not have it for now, because we have other things to pay around for the building maintenance and it still can wait for a bit.

After rethinking what just happened, I realised what just happened. Manipulation.

So, I have said yes by default, but I have warned my mom about this BEFORE SHE BRiNGS iT iN:

  1. Not to store permanently,
  2. I do not take care of the saling part, this is your business, not mine,
  3. You can not just appear here to show it with someone. Please call in advance, "take appointment".
  4. Nobody here when I am not home,
  5. I will not make any exception.

Well, it made her start; I am now crazy, I have a very bad attitude, a big problem, I should go back where I was it was nice the time I was there, she does not ask a lot for help and I refuse it, she is tired of helping me for nothing in return (?), that piece of furniture has a value of a thousand dollars and she can not spit on this, she uses "fuck" and "shit" for adjectives sometimes in between.. the big kit!

I did not yell, swear at her or insult her.. but she did it to me.

It finished I blocked her because her messages was very insulting. I reminded her I was the one having the car today and I was the one picking her up at work, waiting for her to finish to work somewhere during the evening and hoping for her she was in shape to walk back home.. or if she had the gut to take the phone and call me, she can!

OF COUUUUURSE I unblocked her not long after. I have waited for her to disconnect and unblocked her. I will not let her walk from work.. I am bitch, not stupid!

But, I knew it.. she had a plan the whole time.

First, she planned with her ex-boyfriend - that, really, I do not like - to bring it here,
Then, thought maybe I would not be back home for the moving, so I will have nothing to say, but SURPRiiiiSE!
So, she had to find a way so I can not say a word; and she did,
To finish, she intended to use me as her puppet to sale it (show it to interested people when she wants it, accessing my appartment when I am not here with strangers to show it. Be there when they came to get it, ...)

I have an appartment with some stuff in it. Not a lots of stuff, but it is mine and I have enough of my stuff. They (her and him) have a house, the basement is not rented with the house so place available there and also an appartment. Why, my place, is where it needs to be stored? Weird..

So now, her ex-boyfriend - that I do not like, really - should be on his way for here with the furniture. No I am sure she did not call him and if she did, he will not believe her or he will call me before stopping everything. He is not my idol, but he is not stupid also. He knows how is my mom and he will confirm with me that I really cancelled everything at the last minute; which I will not confirm because I did not. I only warned my mom that I knew the plan and I will not be part of it. I can still take it here, but she is warned of how it will work and the consequences is she brokes the rules once.. I will throw all this out faster then it came in.

After all, before writing these lines:

-I was the one cleaning the room to free space to store it (free room, but not necessarely free space).
-I was one waiting here for her ex-boyfriend - did I mentionned I do not really like him? - for the delivery
-I will be the only one here after he is gone, cleaning the place (again) after the tornado passed

I wish I will be faster to get the catch next time and stop it before it is too late.

I save hundreds dollars in rent per month staying here, but I think the price is still too high.

-FBF

Stopped at the right time..

..I hope so.

I had that message on my voicemail when I woke up yesterday afternoon after a long nap, sleeping on what is going on and maybe dream about the perfect solution.

A message from the previous social worker I was meeting with, once a week. I ended the meetings because I was not sleeping at the end, doing nightmares.

Imagine, I am far behind that point now.

I spent twenty-five minutes last week with someone, on the phone, answering questions, updating my file, tha reasons why I was asking for a new social worker, so it can be submitted right away.

So, in this message of about two minutes and a half, she is saying she wants to fix a one hour appointment with me to update my file so SHE CAN EVALUATE if I really need a change of social worker.

First, there is ONLY 1 PERSON that can evaluate if you can be my social worker and iT iS ME. You can want to help me as you wish, if I do not want your help, it is helpless.

Second, what about all the notes that have been taken by the nurse, taking the call then? She did it. I heard the keyboard, she stopped me once in a while so she can note correctly. What about this VERY iMPORTANT DETAiL: no contact with Mr FBF by the previous social worker?

Third, so start over again, then, maybe, if SHE DECIDES iT, star over again with a new one.. then what? Start over agan when? where? I talked about this with the nurse when I called.

So this parttern of starting over again and again was coming back at me.

I tried, not once but TWiCE with you and check where I am today. I would not be this way if our appoointment were doing something good. No E=mc² here; simple 1-1=0.

Her voice was not showing confidence at all. It was shaking, she was lost in what she wanted to say, looking for words. I think she knew she was not suppose to call me, but she did anyway, challenging me, KNOWiNG what my reaction will be..

..well, right. Called back, got - as usual - her voicemail. Left a message explaining I was not interested to start over again and again and again. Thanks anyway!

There re a lots of people on the waiting list.. if they can easily get rid of one, why not?

So go back to square one.. no fourteen days ago.

-FBF

A day to drop it..

..just drop it. It is very simple to say AND to do: just DROP iT. But It does not.

I am just not sure how to deal with all this.

I mean, with the news I had yesterday, trying to insure my car, it looks like my trucking days are over for the next three years.

Around a thousand canadian dollars per year to insure me on a 2009 car, bought in 2018, a Mazda 3 GS, value of about three to five hundred dollars, not listed in the black book.. I mean, FUCK THE BiG WHAT?? Are you.. how we say this again.. oh yeah.. FUCKiNG CRAZY?

I do not want to be the boss who will have to insure me on a truck. Holly fuck he is gonna jump and freak out.

Once you get your trucking license, there is a thirthy-six months period required by insurances companies to charge a regular insurance price. If you do not have your license since three years, a surcharge is added as a protection against new drivers. This "prime" can triple up the amount of your insuraces. I do not have my ,icense for at least thirty-six months.

I will have to target big places, big companies Tehy do not care really about insurances price, because they hire a lots of new drivers so they are sort of ready for this. I do not really like these companies where employees are generic numbers. I do not know a lots of them around here either. Moving near? I mean.. I save hundreds of dollars in rent each month already. Why leave?

No, the money saved in rent can not compensate for my insurances. Even there, if it can for my car and I can pay high prices for three or four years, I mean, it does not change the fact that I am a pain in the ass to insure on a truck.

Oh, I can not have a car for now, so I have to be able to go at work using other ways. Find a job which let me bring back my truck at home each night? Not in big companies. What about the maintenance? I can do basic stuff, but there's a weekly maintenance to do on a truck and it is very important to do.

I could ride the highways. But what about my animal here? I did not do all this to ride the highways. I can not go for days. I need to come back home each day. I can not bring my animal with me on the road; unthinkable.

Why not another job? Why? I like driving dump trucks. I knew what I wanted to drive before doing my courses. I want this to be profitable. I have a student loan to refund. Difference of salary can be ten to fifteen dollars more per hour than the minimum wage and.. Can I get a fucking life, instead of a job, for once!?!? CAN i??? PLEASE!!!

I just can not drop it for now. It spins in my head, trying to find a solution and do not want to let go.

I understand why it is harassing, after all it is all about my future here. Find a solution to avoid fights I do not want and/or need.

-FBF

*** UPDATE: AN HOUR LATER, DURiNG AN HOUR ***

Actually, there is a solution but I do not like it. Self-employeed, entertainment/production business.

I do not really like the first part, being self-employeed, however I am sure I can do it. It will be hard, mostly at the beginning, to establish the structure and all of it, but I can do it and, on the long run, build something strong.

The second part is where I hesitate the most. After all, this is what I know best, in which I have perform my very best, since I started doing it, paid, sort of or not at all.

I was fourteen when I got my two Technic turn-tables SL1210 mk2 charcoal and started to build a sound system to spin dance music in a free room in the house. I made a deal with a friend to procure twelve inches vinyls so we can party around, making our friends dance. Unfortunately, an asshole tried everything he ccan to stop me.. and he did.

I am sure some DJs regretted to do some weddings. I was seven, height I think when one of them asked me how did I knew it was the good timing to ask the song I was asking in my many requests (I knew them all). This was my first lesson as a DJ: song planning. I did not understand all of it, but enough to figure out what it was meaning.

At 29 this asshole admitted he tried everything to get me out of this domain, but I was too much in. It was in my blood. I could not live without it.

But I am burned now, since years. I like to do this, but I do not have the energy needed, requested to do this anymore. I also do not want to be a public figure anymore.

Going back in radio? Oufffff.. nope! It can be fun, but very hard. I need to go back and do some hours on the field. I can not do it around here for sure, I will have to move far away.

What about online?? It goes AGAiNST ALL MY VALUES in online entertainment.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I was told more then once that I would be a very good sales man because I do not like sales man (woman included). Some are trained with technics to catch your attention and quickly influence your decision. Those, I do not like.

Can I be a good online entertainment producer, be different and use it as an income, without going against all my basic and values in online entertainment?

I know Twitch streamers doing this fair and square, but it is not something they have made in a week or two. It is a work of a year, maybe more before it is a part-time job reliable income.

Web radio? Pass.. no monyey to do there, only to spend.

For now, I have a very basic monthly income, that can be in jeopardy if I get caught doing something else. It is not big, but it covers needs. I am not sure, not confident that I can cover half of it, doing this.

-FBF

LA CAPiTALE : Sold out!

November 2018

-Hello, La Capitale.. I would like to suspend my contract for my car insurances.
-Okay, why exactly?
-I am hospitalised for an undetermined time and I will not be able to make the monthly paiement for the next months. My next payment is due on the 20th - in 4 or 5 days if I remember - can you stop everything there?
-Yes I can see to do this..
-It is temporary. When I will be out of here and able to to make the payments, I will contact you back and we can reactivate this one or a new one
-Reactivating, maybe not, but make a new one, for sure..
-Ok, can you suspend it? Can it be done?
-Yes
-Ok, do it for next billing date, the balance should be 0.00$.
-Yes.. let me check this.. yes.. well sounds good. More simple.
-Ok good. Thanks. By the way, I am not home so you can only join me on my cellphone or by email if there is anything. I have a voicemail on my cellphone.
-Balance will be at 0.00$. A letter will be sent to confirm the end of the contract. I do not see why we should have to call you but okay..
-Thanks..

<1 months later..>

Letter received, confirming end of the contract and asking to some back soon.. no bill found.

<1 months later..>

Letter received, PLEASE!!! come back soon.. no bill found.

<4 months passsed..>

I received letters from LA CAPiTALE since. After 2 letters saying the same thing, you know what it SHOULD BE.

Not always at home, not having anytning to worry about BECAUSE I told them how to join me, I let the letters accumulate with all the others.

I received a thirthy-two dollars and some change bill from a collection agency this week, seven months later. Looks like a balance of 7$ was left on my account. LA CAPiTALE tried to communicate with me.. many times they have said.. they have sent.. LETTERS! You know, letters? These piece of papers we sent by mail.. no, not by email, by MAiL.. yes, by mail man.. oups mail woman, sorry. okay.. where were we..

Letters.. REALLY? WHAT THE FUCK? ARE YOU STUPiD iDiOTS? LETTERS?

iT'S FUCKiNG 2019, WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKiNG PHONE? EMAiL?

« We have sent letters sir.. »

In all your promos, you talk about how it is soooooo easy to manage all your stuff from the Internet, BUT YOU CAN'T PLACE A FUCKiNG CALL OR SEND A FUCKiNG EMAiL? WHY THE FUCK i CONFiRM MY EMAiL EACH TiME i CALL YOU?

I remember, I told the agent I was only reachable on my cellphone..

« there is no note about this sir. Only that you wanted to cancel your contract with us. »

Of couuuuuurse it is not noted.. OF COUUUUUURSE..

So I was struck off for nonpayment and I am now on the red list for the next 3 years, because a fucking migrant did not listen what I was saying. That asshole was probably not even in my country. That habit from foreign workers can become dangerous.. who knows?!

Laughing My Fucking Ass Off Fucking Out Loud!

-FBF

You did not <something> because of me..

...heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..e..

..Nope!

I do not do stuff the same way I do stuff..

I do stuff if I WANT to..

I do not do stuff if I DO NOT WANT to..

But everything that I do is based on me..

Okay, I admit, my animal has a big influence on how I can do some of this stuff..

However, it does not take the final decision..

I do..

As I wish..

And, believe me, you are not the center of the world, of my world.

I am the center of my world.

Not you.

So I did not go back before you left, because I was not able to be there before I was.

I did not care if you would be there or not.

I only did care about me.

Like I have learned there.

You were there before me and you left the day after me. Did you learned something?

-FBF

My time is over...

..is it a good or a bad thing? It is a good thing all the way.

A good thing because: FiNALLY, I get out of a place and I feel very different then any other places I visited before; sometimes for twice the time I spent there.

A good thing because: I worked with genius people, very simple social workers, but who did a much better job then any psychiatrist in the last ten years.

A good thing because: I did go forward with an efficient strategy, planned by this team of underestimated people.

A good thing because: I did something for me and people saying they were ready to help me, did help me achieve this goal.

A good thing because: Now, I know; I know mental disorder is existing inside me, but I can manage it better without powerfull drugs.

A good thing because: My time was done there. I took everything the I could and needed for now.

A good thing because: if I need, I can submit a request to be admitted once again.

The only thing I am worry about is the follow up on all that I have done, since two weeks, from now. I placed calls, files were opened and submitted, reports were prepared, ..but, on a waiting list for now.

Let see how it goes..

-FBF

The Twitch-Files (Episode 1)

This as nothing to do directly with mental illness/disorder/healt.. just have to say it.

I am surfing on Twitch since the last year or so. I am watching variety of streams: gambling, chess, fishing, music, painting (yes I watched Bob Ross) bounty hunting, party, cooking, special events, gaming, cartoons marathons, scammer investigation, Ai development, tea tasting, thelethon, ... NAME iT! I probably watched it.

Twitch was created to build communities around streamers and give them a chance to built something around a passion.

A community, usually, works this way: give to the community, it gives back to you. Bank are working: give me your money.

Believe me, it took a while before I sarted to find good streams to watch. the Twitch recommendations are not the best I have seen in my life. It recommends you a channel, you check, then yes you give it a follow for a while, then unfollow for x, y, z reasons: channel goes back in recommendations. There is also this very popular stream, but you never opened it because the category does not fit in your interests. Still both there since I created my account.

The thing I have remarked and really makes me angry is: the money.

« Do it for fun, money will come » - Streaming philosophy.

« Donations are never expected, but always appreciated. » - Mentionned in writing in most of the streams I have watched.

This last one is an unwritten rule of Twitch. You do not request donations to your viewers, but you are very happy when someone decides to send you a tip for your work, whatever the amount is.

Sure, it can happen that in a very special stream, you will force on them for a good reason, but I was not joking, saying I have watched telethons on Twitch. Some streamers are focussing what they are doing, on getting money out of it.

I recently saw a stream in which, now, once per seventy-five or ninty seconds, an animation appears in the corner, asking to "Help to keep the stream online, donate now!!!". Top donator, last tips, bits, buy my merch: NAME iT!! All is showed on the screen. In the middle of all this: the streamer's face!

I watched the stats of this stream: not streaming for 6 months yet, not reached one thousand followers, I saw an average of twenty something viewers per stream, some raids but not really from people doing the same thing so people do not stay long, for two weeks the streams never started at the scheduled time and some of them never happened at all.. and above all, that person paid hundreds of dollars for someone else to build the stream. Clap! Clap! Clap!

On others, nope they do not talk about donations or money live, but 75% of the informations provided on their screen layout are: last donation (tip), top donation (tip), last subscriber, .. all these informations related to money, trying also to influence the amount you will donate. After all, what will you look like with your five dollars, when the last tip is seventy-five dollars and the top donator gave one hundred and fifty dollars? Not knowing at the previsou stream, a sort of donation war started between two or three 'players' and they wanted to get the attention of that very popular cute girl, having hundreds of viewers.

Oh, these are funny! I saw this few times, but more then once: « Song Request 20$ - MAY NOT PLAY! ». I saw also thrity, fifty a hundred dollars. COMMON, SERiOUSLY? FOR REAL? AM i DREAMiNG? FiRST, that goes against all copyrights laws and SECOND, people doing it anyway? What the fuck is wrong with you!!

Not talking live about donations, whatch-out anyway. Try to find informations about the streamer your are watching like: the name, age, social media and other informations. There is a big chance they will be the last things mentionned at the bottom of the page. The first informations you will see when scrolling down the page are: how to support the stream: donate (in evidence) often coming with a list of top donators who gave (ten of)thousands of dollars/euros, a list of possible happening depending the amount you donate, subscribers privileges, ... following the stream is mostly the last thing mentionned and no word about watching it?

Unfortunately something that kills a bit hope in passionate streaming is that some people charges douzens, hundreds of dollars to setup a stream, ready to go.

Now, who do I blame here? Everybody and Nobody. Everybody for doing what they do, nobody for doing the best they do. If you can not figure out where/when to stop, that is YOUR FUCKiNG problem. Wake up trouts!

Where is the sex in all this? Well.. that's another Twitch-Files.

-FBF

So.. looks like I am ok..

..with the state of mind I had when I entered this place, my reactions were normal.. sort of.

Normal in the way that I had so much frustrations inside me that was the only way I could react.

I worked hard this past few days to eliminate these frustrations, this rage inside me, making me react like I was.

I still have small frustrations coming back like flashes. I can see it, my reactions are less aggressive then before. I can control myself and think before saying or doing something.

No, I am not healed. I feel better for sure and it is easier each day to understand my feelings and gage them.

So I will continue to work hard, so I can continue to grow, to mature and stop being a fifteen years old kid.

A chance I can start looking for outside help before I am out of here. My time is about to end here and, I like the place, but I will do all that I can to not coming back again, except to show them that the time they invested in me was not a lost of time.

-FBF

Respect.. part 2...

« Go away, I am talking on the phone and it does not concern you » - Crazy Bitch, 8:00am.

I am getting out of the house, on the gallery, so I can smoke a cigarette...

This is where, BY THE WAY, all the ashtrays and smokers necessities are..

And, remembering the rules I have read and followed since nine days now, this is where we have to go to smoke..

..because everything is there to smoke and keep the place clean.

HOWEVER, the same rules I have read FORBID to talk on your cellphone anywhere in the house EXCEPT in the designated rooms and areas.

The gallery iS NOT a designated room or area to use your FUCKiNG cellphone.

It is the designated area for smokers.

..soooooo, GO FUCK YOURSELF BiTCH! FOLLOW the rules OR GET THE FUCK OUT.. or you will be kicked out.. iF, AT LEAST, you've asked, with a "please", somewhere but no.. i DON'T HAVE ORDERS TO RECEiVE FROM YOU.

« I am a peace and love ».. MY ASS!

WAKE UP! Ok, back. Reality now.

My world is perfect, but it is not the world I am living in.. but was cool to think for a second!

Crazy all the ideas that pass in this small lap of time.

Sit back, breath, think, evacuate in a good way, and at 10:12pm, I am writ this, saying I had a very good day!

-FBF

So I called the contract..

..I needed clear explanations about details in a service contract. Sooooo I called customer service, people who are paid to tell us all the catches of these contracts we sign without really reading them or looking at them.

For twenty-five minutes I had a discussion about suspending my service and save a bit of money.

I worked for the company for years in the beginning of the twenty-first century. I know how bitch they are.

Everything looks good and it looks like my contract authorises me to suspend my service and pay twenty dollars per month, instead of sixty, no break of contract. The contract will be suspended and will be extended for the amount of months I suspended my service. NiiiiiCE!

Let's do it...

..but, when my next bill is released.. SURPRiiiiiiiiSE!!! Fully charged!?

So call back at the CS and then I am told that my contract allows me to suspend my service BUT it says clearly in it that the plans will be fully charged.

Remember: I spent twenty-five minutes with an agent, telling the person, at the beginning, middle and end of the call I had a service contract on my account.

As the assholes they are, these agents are not even in the country. The only answer they have is: I do not give a fuck.

Well, the fuck you will give from now.. giving wrong informations and over charge a bill is criminal in Canada. It is a fraud and you can be Bell, you are not above the law.

Oh, and, just, BY THE WAY, in november 2018, when I was hospitalised, after a third suicide attemp, in a mental healt institute, I had to tell them my situation so I can make a deal to pay my bills so I can keep my only way of communication in case of emergency.. THE MiSTAKE!! It becomes their prefered weapon.

Bell, Let's Talk about how really you soooo support mental healt, once a year, and use a scourge, a plague of a generation as a big tax evasion, supported by all what so called prime ministers in the country.. wanna talk Bell?

Anyway, they are only uneducated morrocans, very far away from here, knowing nothing about what they are doing so do not ask them about life, good or evil or even Canada. They do not give a shit about us, but our moneyis very nice to spend in an economy that is not canadian.. just saying.

A chance we have protection against criminals.

-FBF