...and we're hitting!

Running wild (again) feeling stronger then ever (again) Don't show up, I will break trought you this time (again) it's on a good way (again) I can feel it (again) it will explode if you show up, let me pass (again) all bets are off, nothing goes on (again) here we goooOOoo (again) 1..2..3... FUCK! There it is (again) and guess what? YES, BANG! AGAiN!!!

No explosion, no brick going all ways, no firework, no sparkle: just that good ol'brick wall, up, unscratched and me, laying, on my back, stunted, wanting to get up, but I can not move for now. I do not feel pain or sadness. I am just there, asking myself why; why Pete and repeat are in a baot again? Is repeat no tired of that joke and would not like to jump of the boat to join Pete and have fun? Ever heard of sea-doo guys? But the only answer coming is "because of you (me)". I did not checked. I did not asked one question.

And that was not even my plan.

My plan was to jump over the wall, getting around it and come back on the track later. But I ran, wilder then ever, right into it with full of confidence instead. This time, I did not see it coming. It appeared, by surprise. But it is my fault.

Unable to go at the hospital to get help until I can see a psychiatrist (I was told to do so by a nurse at the clinic I am on the waiting list) I took a big puff and a big look at the situation. I saw the good ol'same pattern coming back, again. I was running like hell, trying to pass trought that fucking brick wall, in front of me for years and, in fact, I was running just to hit it, nothing more.

Yesterday, I called the local social services and talked with a nurse there. I asked if there're places I can go for support until the call back from the clinic, scheduled somewhere between now and january. I explained the whole brick wall thing and why I could not go at the hospital (animal to take care of, walking is my only way to move, hospital at twenty-five kilometers from here so even with permissions, I can not come back here).

The nurse asked me for my address and postal code (zip) to take a look to the local organisms available in the database and locate the nearest ones. One was found.

A perfect place, near by, where I can get help and I am free to come back home everyday if I want to.

After a two hour call, the only thing left for me to do is call at a place to confirm my entry time. I am gratefull. Thank you very much, you did more in two hours then everybody did for the last 10 years!

The high begins..

I am calling the place. It took about thirty minutes to finish all the necessary stuff. iT iS ON!!! Tomorrow something will will be different! The pattern, no more, will be. I broke it, it is over. I have found the secret passage, the warp zone! I feel like the time I found the first warp zone in Mario Bros.

I am on a freaking high now..

Getting my stuff ready, telling my contacts I am taking a leave of absence and I need to change the way for technical support, I wonder where is the catch, but I also do not want to believe of a catch a bit. After all, I called a specialist.

Go in bed, I wake up at 3:33. As usual, when I see three similar digits on a clock, I make a wish. So I wished that everything goes right today for my entry at the center. I do not feel sleepy so I get up and turn on the computer.

Oh shit.. I forgot: the address? Where is that place?

Okay, I don't know for you, but the "near by" notion should not differ so much for people. I mean that the center, near by, is at THiRTY FiVE KiLOMETERS from my home.

I did not see it coming this time. it just appeared in front of me "SURPRiiiiiiSE! i AM HERE!!!!!" and BANG! Game over.

I will take time to recover of that run. However, I will never trust anybody again.

-FBF