Change #100 Days - Day 1

So this is it, the lowest point of my fuckin life, been isolating myself from my friends and opportunities to meet up with new people, been staying at home too much eating junk food, watching porn and playing games. There's so much negative talk going on in my head. I hate myself. I met someone great at the end of 2021. She was perfect. She made me want to be a better person. I screwed it all up because of my inexperience in handling bad social situations, I might have made it more awkward by being myself. I couldn't forgive myself since then. I feel lost because there's no one to talk to about this. I feel stuck, empty and alone. I have always been kind of an extreme introvert, seems like I've been falling deeper into that hole for the past couple of months.

I am in my early thirties, I work in my family business with several other siblings, it has been half a decade, the experience working with the family has been horrendous. Relationships are not the same anymore here, you don't look up to the person the same anymore. It's a very toxic environment because a lot of personal problems get mixed up with work, a lot of bad past experiences are being judged and compared to current situations. 

I have always wanted to do something else, I was told to come back to help out the family business by my eldest brother. I finally muster up the guts to tell my parents and my eldest brother that I will be leaving end of next year to do something else a couple of weeks ago, everyone wasn't happy. 

But I'm tired of caring what everyone thinks anymore, I'm tired of living in isolation, I'm tired of being the nice guy

I know this is quite a leap but just a couple of weeks ago I have been reading about the promising researches on psychedelics and neuroplasticity,

I wish to try this to help myself recover from the mental decline that working in the family business has cost me, I am doing this with respect to the drug and no attempt to abuse it, I am hopeful for change