AD21//Day 20 out of 25

THE VIGIL IS IN PREPARATION.

It's not in the papers, but it's well-known enough to the populace. There was this man, diagnosed with forgetfulness and inability to function correctly as a human.

Like someone using handcuffs on someone having a seizure as a solution.

This isn't the first time I couldn't go to sleep because I couldn't breath.
I've had this condition for about a year or more now. To think, perhaps it all really started when I was much younger, like in the sixth grade. I did this spasm like coughs wherein I didn't open my mouth, and it's mote like having hiccups and the droplets come out of your nose. I sneeze, but I find it hard to expel the phlegm. I had numerous experiences wherein a part of my throat or nose bled from trying to expel too hard.

I'm "hiccuping" again.
As much as possible I wouldn't want to cough in actuality because it also makes me fart. I don't want to infect other people, and especially get blamed for it, so I keep my coughs inside. If I accidentally expel or spit, I usually swallow it back because it takes too long too get a tissue or paper.

It's getting harder and harder. These days I can't sleep even more than usual. I don't know whether I should try opening my mouth more so the spit flows out. Usually I rely in masturbation to fall asleep. That or passing our in front of the computer. Unfortunately I can't do either of that anymore because of my dormmates' presence as well as that the laptop no longer fits in the bed.

Tonighr, they applied ointment at my neck and my temples. They kept telling me how they did it to themselves as well and it worked. It's hars to believe them. Their presence alone makes this knee jerk repsonse of repeatedly punching the wall like I'm hyperventilating. But I'm not hyperventilating. It's just hard.

Nowadays I feel some form of weight somewhere in my right upper abdomen. I struggle to imagine that it isn't water. I tried eating lozenged, those sore throat sweet tablets that they also suggested to me so, so long ago. It costs a lot, by the way. They bought two more packs of it.

Do I fele better after the ointment? Well, ghe coughing stopped, but that doesn't mean I felt better. I hate admitting they were right for once, especially with how much my body automatically goes into I reject you motions just from seeing their face. Too bad, I am actually getting sleepy. Huh.

This might be because of me using an inhaler more often these days. That's the most probable reaskn, should be, and they agree. The other reason might be the new dorm's environment.
I hiccuped again. I noticed so long ago that coughin externally is forced and brings usually no results. Everyday my throat feels itchy. I'm aware that everyday, these ointments, lozenges and whatever whatchamacallit peopke suggest to me are only helping ease the problem, make it more bearable, but not helping eradicate it. It's itchy. I can't afford to infect anyone else. Every other dormmate I have are alreadh coughing. It's my fault. It's all my fault. It's all my fucking fault.

They told me to face the fan but facing the fan means facing my dormmates. So I can't cough there. Mercy.

There. I felt it. What's worse this time is that my vibrationd move alont my coughs.
AH FUCK THAT ASSHOLE COUGHED AGAIN AS IF I CAN'T FEEL EVEN MORE GUILTY NOW GO DIE.
Every cough I hear in the middle of the night is a slow, silent "This is all your fault" shithead mocking me. Am I supposed to give you water? Water does not help me, it makes me worse, so why would it help you? I'm suffering here. Too.

My vibrations were from as early as fifth grade, or four, maybe. I remember distinctly that I had my fair share of electrocution experiences, getting vaccinated for tetanus...

My eustachian tube is ringing.