#1 Why hello there

In 2019, as I was beginning to explore the idea of quitting my first job still unsure of what would come next, my (newish) boyfriend asked me "Given time, what would you do?"

An answer immediately arose within me: "Write"

I was a bit surprised by the clarity of that response at the time. I had never really explored the concept of having time to myself. Up until then I had spent the previous six years working in a big company, and put most of my efforts into building my professional-facing suite of skills. There was a lot of unlearning to be done.

Yet now, here I stand, three years later from that conversation, and where are my results of all this "writing" I was hoping to do? There are bits and pieces, sure. More than anything I had written for myself before then, perhaps (definitely). But I've felt a consistent writer's block stand in my way since then. It's felt weighty and stuck, and I'm not where I want to be.

There've been moments I tried to push through that - starting a newsletter, joining Ship30for30 etc. - but I still feel sticky as I try to put words to my page. The more time I spend navigating this landscape, the more I realise how emotionally blocked I've been through this time. It's all connected of course.

I saw that in therapy last week. I was sharing a very hard personal experience I may write about tomorrow, and we discovered how the coping mechanisms I've developed result in me putting on a brave face, smoothing things over, and saying "I'm fine" just like the good girl I've grown up to be. My therapist helped me see that I put a lot of pressure on myself to be ok, and I think I put all that pressure on myself creatively too through perfectionism.

It's been too long though and I'm bored of it now. It's time to clean up and start showing up.

I have ideas I want to share with the world, and unique experiences to voice. There are things that only I can say, and other things that have been said by others, but not with my perspective. This is true of everyone of course - we all deserve to take up some space in the world, and contribute creative and generative thoughts. If we don't, evil wins.

So I'm here, attracted by the #100days writing challenge, the anonymity of writing under a name I could've had. My only rule for myself is to show up each day for 20 minutes and see what happens. If for some reason I can't access these notes to publish on the day, I'll write my thoughts in drafts and transfer it when I can.