January 16, 2020•1,239 words
Today is Sept 10. He said he would be back today and would get in touch from then on.
It's 13.47 and I still haven't received a message. I try to prevent myself from texting him.
I know he came back on Sunday and not today, as he said to me.
I could see it on the app, he was being geolocalised.
I saw that by accident. But then I kept looking where he was after I saw he was in Naples, and then in Pompeii, and then back in Naples. Then Charleroi, then Brussels.
I don't know why this is taking so much space in my brain. Maybe because it had been so long I hadn't had sex before I met him. Made me suddenly realise how dry this had all become. So good to feel these intense sensations in here below, even when I'm not with him, just feeling it here below like a wave. Wow, it's been so long.
I like this sensation so much it creates the impression that I need him so much suddenly. It's like a revelation. But maybe he's not part of the picture in the end, that's just his body and his taking care of me A bit too mechanically I would say sometimes and from a certain point of view. But I like it so much anyhow. Makes me excited just to think about it. To remember the intense feeling of surprise I got when I first touched his body, felt his skin, directly covering the muscles – no fat, no fat at all because he is so slim and young.
After 15 years I hadn't touched someone else. Wow I realised that all of a sudden. Hadn't touched someone else for 15 years apart from the extremely intense and close physical relationship with my children – and children are so soft and smooth as compared to that one experience. Like Barbapapas. His hands are really male-like, not so big but a bit large. Mine seem so thin next to his.
I like the way he touches and kisses me, but would anybody do that impression on me? I don't know actually. It's been so long. I feel so excited. It's so surprising. How come I forget about all this?
I'd like to do it three times a day now. Or more. No kidding. Never thought this would happen (anymore).
I've been thinking I should ask him : “how can I care for you?” How can I care for someone who has been through war, who obviously experienced the death of 6 or 7 of his friends, saw death everywhere, is split from his family being scattered all over the globe (Idlib in Syria, Saudi Arabia, Germany...)? Who managed to develop so many kinships here in Belgium, friends everywhere, connections everywhere ready to help him. But how come he have any feelings for me, that (ageing) woman with two kids and nothing much to give?
How could I imagine for a second that I could be of any importance, while he must be praying every minute that his brother doesn't get killed in Syria? While one of his main goals in life is to bring his parents and sister to Belgium – for which he goes to the refugees office twice every week since he arrived in Brussels? While he fought so much to be able to access that Masters studies programme while he has no diploma of any sort? I mean, how come he need someone like me, apart from my sex – and sexes are to be found easily all over the place, too, I guess – if it's only for the sex.
So what can I do?
He said he would cook me a dinner. A Syrian dinner. He lent me a book. A book about the war in Syria. I just lent my body twice for the time being (and many more times if I had had the opportunity... fck). What else can I give? Of course you don't miss me, of course you miss so many other people that are so much more important to you than I am. Me with my little secure life, who only has her (ageing) body to lie on the table (bed).
Sometimes I wonder. Why did I end up with such a person? Why not go out with a 45 year old white male, with a job and a house and money. Like the guy I met one year before (and actually ran away from). He had a situation, was obviously nice. He wanted to go to the theatre. But I was definitely not (sexually) attracted. And I thought I would be bored if it were to be only about going to see Camus at the French theatre. Boring. Not excited. I ran away. What can I do? Why did I end up with such a person?
Now I'm stuck with this story, waiting for him to give a sign - which he may never give?
But I have a book of his. He needs to take it back. And he said that he would cook for me. And he said that it would be great if I could stay at his place for the night (which I can't do for the time being, I don't want to raise any doubts in the mind of my future-ex-partner. Too early, it's going to be too early for a while...). Sex all night is not for tomorrow. All day, maybe, then?
Tomorrow I'll be seeing another man that I'm sure finds me attractive. Or is attracted by me. I haven't seen him for a while but I'm sure there's going to be some molecules floating in the air tomorrow. Maybe it's going to help me project myself into something other. Someone else's body. I need to disconnect my brain and body from this recent experience, or... It seems my brain has slipped inside my briefs. My panties. Slipped inside my panties. For the time being my tongue is still ok, but let's see how it goes. From my panties and all around that it seems something is going on which I forgot about for a very very long duration. How many people do without this? How long do people survive without this? How did I survive this?
Oh but I'm also thinking about another guy who has been keeping me excited for let's say one year now. He's a white European male! Can't say much about him, otherwise he may recognise himself. Or get recognised. I've been fantasizing for months that we would have sex in the wtc restrooms sometime. I've been thinking about this A LOT. For ages. Actually I think he did try to seduce me at a certain point. But it was too early for me. And since then he started living with another girl – who's a great girl, by the way. I wouldn't like to take him from her. But if he were still willing to have sex with me I would for sure not be able to refuse.
Otherwise there's two very cute girls. Never tried girls except for one, ages ago. Makes me shy. But I think I would like it also. I think I would appreciate. I'm curious. Let's try maybe?
Well anyway let's come back to what I was talking about. Care.
How can I care for you?
What can I do?