Day 19 - Drugs

Ten days no journaling, so much for building a habit… I only ever find the enthusiasm and will to write while on adderrall or weed. When I'm off my antidepressants, I have circling thoughts. I keep thinking about not thinking about not thinking about not thinking about nothing about everything about stop thinking about not thinking about don't think. Christ. With addy, I feel like the day moves in fast forward, while I'm sitting on the couch glued to the screen, watching a soap opera without drama. I speak without thinking a lot, I use instinct and boldness. I say whatever I want. It's like sprinting on a treadmill, I feel like I'm going somewhere but I'm still where I started. I hate treadmills.

I'm never satisfied. Not with my music, not with the drugs, not with the present. i'm always focused on what it could be. Why it isn't what my ideal nature thinks. How I can make it like that. Without addy those thoughts are diminished. But there's still an endless satisfaction. Impossible to run away from, constant need for more, food water clothes items videos people sex drugs feelings nothing, the present never feels good enough

I am making music again. It feels good, but not as good as I expected. My expectations, too high always. Why can I never expect the present? Live in the moment entirely, expect this now. This now.