LoverBoy17

10:29 PM Looks like the first day of this thing is already done. Christ that went by quickly, I just played video games again for most of it. I'm not even really enthralled by any of it anyways, I'm just playing it so my mind has something to be occupied on, because there's not a whole lot else. I'm just on autopilot with it all, holding w to move forward through the wasteland in Fallout NV. It's not even something I really want to do, like it's more of a chore than anything. Without it my mind...

3:26PM I had a "dream" last night, or early morning. I say "dream" because I haven't been having real visual dreams, it's kinda like I hear everything that's going on in the scene and I piece together a potential visual representation of all the details after, but I never actually "see" anything. It's probably because I keep trying to WILD, or Wake Induced Lucid Dream. I get my body in a state of meditation, complete airflow and empty carcass, floating, and I convince my brain I'm asleep when I...

6:25 PM Almost didn't write this one today. It just feels sorta pointless, droning out about everything, typing, but there's no place else to put my energy. Doesn't make sense, here I am though, writing, thinking out loud like Ed Edd and Eddy Sheeran. Trying to make myself laugh. Used to think that was the meaning of life, making yourself laugh. Now idk, I think it's still important. What else is important? Hmmmmm… life. Life is important, it gets me furniture and entertainment and drugs. There...

Day 5 - 10:30pm I didn't write yesterday, and I think the no speaking thing has come to a close. It's partially my fault, well all my fault I guess, because I have complete control over my voice and nobody else, but I'm breaking it because it's starting to do more harm than good. My family misses me, friends are asking to play video games or talk and I have to say "later," and it's honestly just getting boring. I like the mentality though, and even though I only lasted 10% of how long I wanted ...

5/16/20 5:53pm Just took a bubble bath for the first time in a year. Strange how the time flies way faster on adderall and antidepressants to the point where I don't really want a bath. Guess that's what the meds are for anyways, succumbing to the constant turning of the world. They're doing the trick though, I'm happier, more coherent. I don't think I could function without them, just how I was born. Something about genetics, I can't focus, can't put my thoughts in order, keep circling and ci...

God time is just always fucking moving ...

Ten days no journaling, so much for building a habit… I only ever find the enthusiasm and will to write while on adderrall or weed. When I'm off my antidepressants, I have circling thoughts. I keep thinking about not thinking about not thinking about not thinking about nothing about everything about stop thinking about not thinking about don't think. Christ. With addy, I feel like the day moves in fast forward, while I'm sitting on the couch glued to the screen, watching a soap opera without dra...

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9:28 P.M. 40forty - time to rest, regenerate, discover new. The days are longer than the nights, so the title mimics that. It started out as a set period to refresh myself, rediscover my true potential and interests without any outside force, internal peace and insight. Learning about me from nothing but me. Every day a new topic every day a new entry every day something. But I didn't do anything. I played fallout new vegas, modded the fuck out of it. I coded useless shit, organizing myself to ...

Nothing happened. it didn't work and its getting fucking boring. and tiring and tiring every day for being bored and bored every day day day there isn't ay inspiration or creativity valyes here there's nothing in fucking paradise i found shan gri la and there were fires in the forrest and someone took a shit in the bathroom trees Im high again because fuck it but I've drained my happiness. I'm tired of being fucking dull and tired and boring and hating myself for not finding anything anywhere. ...

9:28 P.M. 40forty - time to rest, regenerate, discover new. The days are longer than the nights, so the title mimics that. It started out as a set period to refresh myself, rediscover my true potential and interests without any outside force, internal peace and insight. Learning about me from nothing but me. Every day a new topic every day a new entry every day something. But I didn't do anything. I played fallout new vegas, modded the fuck out of it. I coded useless shit, organizing myself to ...

Ten days no journaling, so much for building a habit… I only ever find the enthusiasm and will to write while on adderrall or weed. When I'm off my antidepressants, I have circling thoughts. I keep thinking about not thinking about not thinking about not thinking about nothing about everything about stop thinking about not thinking about don't think. Christ. With addy, I feel like the day moves in fast forward, while I'm sitting on the couch glued to the screen, watching a soap opera without dra...

God time is just always fucking moving ...

5/16/20 5:53pm Just took a bubble bath for the first time in a year. Strange how the time flies way faster on adderall and antidepressants to the point where I don't really want a bath. Guess that's what the meds are for anyways, succumbing to the constant turning of the world. They're doing the trick though, I'm happier, more coherent. I don't think I could function without them, just how I was born. Something about genetics, I can't focus, can't put my thoughts in order, keep circling and ci...

Day 5 - 10:30pm I didn't write yesterday, and I think the no speaking thing has come to a close. It's partially my fault, well all my fault I guess, because I have complete control over my voice and nobody else, but I'm breaking it because it's starting to do more harm than good. My family misses me, friends are asking to play video games or talk and I have to say "later," and it's honestly just getting boring. I like the mentality though, and even though I only lasted 10% of how long I wanted ...

6:25 PM Almost didn't write this one today. It just feels sorta pointless, droning out about everything, typing, but there's no place else to put my energy. Doesn't make sense, here I am though, writing, thinking out loud like Ed Edd and Eddy Sheeran. Trying to make myself laugh. Used to think that was the meaning of life, making yourself laugh. Now idk, I think it's still important. What else is important? Hmmmmm… life. Life is important, it gets me furniture and entertainment and drugs. There...

3:26PM I had a "dream" last night, or early morning. I say "dream" because I haven't been having real visual dreams, it's kinda like I hear everything that's going on in the scene and I piece together a potential visual representation of all the details after, but I never actually "see" anything. It's probably because I keep trying to WILD, or Wake Induced Lucid Dream. I get my body in a state of meditation, complete airflow and empty carcass, floating, and I convince my brain I'm asleep when I...

10:29 PM Looks like the first day of this thing is already done. Christ that went by quickly, I just played video games again for most of it. I'm not even really enthralled by any of it anyways, I'm just playing it so my mind has something to be occupied on, because there's not a whole lot else. I'm just on autopilot with it all, holding w to move forward through the wasteland in Fallout NV. It's not even something I really want to do, like it's more of a chore than anything. Without it my mind...