Day 2 - WILD

3:26PM

I had a "dream" last night, or early morning. I say "dream" because I haven't been having real visual dreams, it's kinda like I hear everything that's going on in the scene and I piece together a potential visual representation of all the details after, but I never actually "see" anything. It's probably because I keep trying to WILD, or Wake Induced Lucid Dream. I get my body in a state of meditation, complete airflow and empty carcass, floating, and I convince my brain I'm asleep when I'm concious. And I keep going until I hit REM, and my brain executes a dream. It works in theory, or reddits, but I can't go far enough. I'm always stuck at the edge, maybe seeing some lights, some very tiny particle visuals, but never crossing over into 3D space. The dream. I just hear the echoes of it, and guess the rest, which I guess is what a dream is, just guessing. I like to do this thing where I let my subconcious free and fly around with it, riding the train of thought, jumping from scene to scene to person to place to whatever. Unfinished sentences, incomplete thoughts and words without direction, like a stuttering mental patient that kinda has it under control but doesn't speak in traditional structure. The more I dive into meditation, the more I feel connected to that directionless direction. The spazz. The nonsense. The complete banality of farce. Even if it doesn't make any sense, I feel the sense it's trying to make. I can finish its sentences. I can understand the truth in the abyss.

This dream was about 4-square, an old game I played in elementary school. I started off with around 5 other friends, names from grade school. And somebody drew the squares and got the ball, and I sat and watched, not saying anything but nodding and laughing with them. Then we started playing, and I was third in line. Suddenly Cole Nickerson wanted to play, and since he's so popular he brought the entire school with him. The line became enormous, the people were bustling. And I had stepped out of the line to talk to a friend, just watching what my friends and I made. This game, I didn't do a single thing, but I was there with the friends when they made it, and I laughed with them. The line was over 100 people, and I wanted to play so I walked back to my spot, around second in line, and I tried to talk to the people in those spots but they ignored me. And I laughed and played it cool, but people ignored me, and walked past me, and didn't consider me in line. And I talked to Cole, telling him that I was second in line when we started playing and I was there in the beginning and I wanted to play, and Cole said no. And I said come on and he said no. And I said it's less than 5 minutes I just want this tiny time that's meaningless, you won't even allow that? And Cole said no.

And I got really angry at this, but everybody ignored me. Shunned me, stepped around me, had their own conversations. I felt outraged, like I had some stake in the origin of the game. Like I deserved unending credit, and I wanted that. The fame, the ability to move wherever, cut whoever, be known by the entire line and able to play when I wanted. Not according to the rules of the line, start in the back NO. I needed the power to be whatever necessary. Free roaming. No lines for Brandon. I didn't even really want to play, I just wanted to be able to cut in line and be acknowledged and allowed and even smiled at for my action. Accepted. But I wasn't, in that moment, and I wanted to punch Cole. I wanted to destroy the game. Erase the chalk squares and pop the ball so nobody could play. I wanted to destroy my "creation," even though all I did was stand and watch and laugh to these people who weren't even my friends, just they were there and I was there and they didn't want to disclude me even though they did but the laws of society would deem that as bullying and bullying is a big no no. I had the audacity to use those laws to believe in my head that I created it all, that I was just as important as the creators, as the 4 square popular kids, the gods of the grade school children.

The dream ended after that. Why did I do that? Instinctually? No question, I automatically assumed power. Maybe it's because my observations of power have shown it to belong to those who claim it. And in that situation, just being around the original 4 squarers, I saw the opportunity to claim it. Without even thinking, I saw I could claim to be one of the original creators and benefit from the assertion and there would be no penalties because the lie was inconceivable. It was easy, so easy I did it without even realizing it. I called myself a creator. I took the power as my own, and I believed everybody would assume it. Why do I crave that power? That sight of being seen as a cool, original kid? The original creator, impossible to avoid, to miss. Why do I need that? The ability to free roam, do literally anything, no lines. I fucking hate lines. I hate them more than the attraction they are required to limit population for, whatever it is. I want the power to cut any line, be in any position. To insert myself into the array stack at any point. And for every member of the stack to be ok with it, even wave at me just for being there. Like it's an attraction in itself to be waiting in a line as me. Like that's something to brag about.

I need to begin a list of wants.

5:57 PM

I just spent 2 and a half hours working on a webpage for really nothing, overcomplicating it with react for no reason other than just learn how react works. It makes things so much more tedious, everything becomes different but that adds fun, interest. The extra lines it takes to make a div, now in javascript, idk it's good but the workflow is slower paced, harder for me to get a grasp on.

I didn't think, I just coded. For two hours, without anything. It's a countdown for this 4040 idea, maybe if I give others a way to do it easily and quickly, they'll find simple improvement too. Maybe I should go into coding more. Web design. But I don't like how other companies do it, I want things to be more automated. No accounts for each service, logins, logouts, people holding random information that they can get, it should be taken care of automatically. I should go to Facebook.com and automatically have an account returned, no ads or spyware tracking what I do, just a social media account. Autofilling my info, no logging in or out. I hate that so much, cut the middleman and do it for me. Maybe that's illegal tho, but companies already track and store an ungodly amount of info anyways. Would doing it automatically scare the user? Maybe? From using my site, from using others because others do the same thing in more secretive ways?

Idk why I'm web dev coding anyways. It's something to do, to keep my mind occupied. Like video games, and journaling, and playing piano every now and then. Hmmmmmm.… I really like this idea of a web without logins and logouts, auto handling of user devices, blantant user/company awareness like "hey we know what device you're on and we know who you are and we don't need your permission to get this data because you visited our site willingly. Maybe with a single checkbox? Info page on first visit, afterwards it's over?

My critiques with the world, the things that bother me about it all… The actions I can take to make it better, for myself and others. Is this what I want my mind to be occupied with? At least around the web, maybe. I'm listening to an artist called Ross from Friends, what a good ass name goddamn. Good music too, techno, edm, cool sounds though. Simple rhythms, I don't really pay attention it's just in the background. Is that good for art? I've always thought good art requires constant attention, but I'm grateful for this music too, how easy it is to listen to, how it pushes the focus on whatever I'm doing alongside it. It's good too, even though I don't remember any of the names of the songs, or anything about the artist. Just typing along, mindlessly.

I think for this 40 days I should allow the topics to come naturally, today is about dreams.