Day 3 - Directionless

6:25 PM

Almost didn't write this one today. It just feels sorta pointless, droning out about everything, typing, but there's no place else to put my energy. Doesn't make sense, here I am though, writing, thinking out loud like Ed Edd and Eddy Sheeran. Trying to make myself laugh. Used to think that was the meaning of life, making yourself laugh. Now idk, I think it's still important. What else is important? Hmmmmm… life. Life is important, it gets me furniture and entertainment and drugs. There's so much stuff everywhere. Humans are so much to me. Relentless, incessant. There's no break, no way to stop the mind. Is there? I've been trying so hard to meditate I can't help but do it before I fall asleep, so I never really sleep anymore because this idea of a lucid meditative state is so luxurious to me, so alluring, like women, feet, a slender body a big bosom. Sex. Is that what I want? Crave? I crave sex, to be wanted by an attractive woman. To feel love from somebody that could fuck whoever they want. I have this constant urge to masturbate or fuck like a dog, when I see something hot I feel it. In my dick, my mind wanders. I have been masturbating every day, I can't stop I don't want to stop. There's no harm, right? God I don't know. It seems like there's nothing wrong with anything anymore. This idea of right and wrong, what is is? What virtues do I value? What do I value at all? What makes a good man? The people we admire are wrong, nobody is a full time model. There's a drone. There's a drone. My fingernails are getting long.

I want to play Rayman 3. It's so colorful and whimsical, I love that shit. The randomness of it all. Abrupt surprise. Nonsense. The beauty of sporadic gibberish, expression, no reason because everything has to have a reason so things with no reason excite me. Do I want to do that? I've been thinking if life was a game, who would I want to play as? Well, I'd want to play as / experience the human that has the potential for the best life, the most life, a completionist. But that's not the craziest celebrity or a homeless twat, it's somewhere in the middle of it all. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the main character and I chose this, but where do I go?

This life is the wildest open world game. Maybe I chose this time because it's the lifetime that experiences how and when and why humans created a virtual life. In the future, there's gotta be some simulation made that's as fulfilling as real life. It might happen in my lifetime, by the way the pattern of development has been going. I'm gonna witness that, buy it for Playstation 7. And then what happens? When the game that's the most lifelike is made, then what? Do games stop having interest? Will everything be a DLC for this one game? Games in a game? A virtual for loop, spiraling inward like a slinky, is that what we become? What this life is? Humans have been around for billions of years, if the ps1 can have polygons and the ps5 can have ray tracing all within 20 years, what the fuck does that make this life?

Maybe.


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