40forty - time to rest, regenerate, discover new. The days are longer than the nights, so the title mimics that. It started out as a set period to refresh myself, rediscover my true potential and interests without any outside force, internal peace and insight. Learning about me from nothing but me. Every day a new topic every day a new entry every day something. But I didn't do anything. I played fallout new vegas, modded the fuck out of it. I coded useless shit, organizing myself to redundance because of adderall. It makes me feel powerful, but it's a blind dive into the hole. Scuba diving without goggles, water soaking up my eyeballs but it feels good. It feels great. It's like a realistic version of poking my head through those superman cardboard cutout photo holes. Without it I feel desolate, wayward, empty. A car without gas, low power. Maybe it's just withdrawls.
I need to dig myself out, learn about patience, time and place like professor oak. But it's too hard, my cells claim uselessness, my mind says "why not? double triple up, endure the power because you've earned it." It's too easy to feel that powerful, and I'm addicted to it. I'm addicted to it. I'm an addict. I'm an addict. I'm an addict.
I think I was a pirate in a past life. I share the same birthday with notorious robber of trains and banks, Jesse James, according to the stars and the horoscopes in all magazines, our lives are the same. There's an evil inside me, an aching pain that fights relentlessly to find the perfect feeling. But there's no perfect feeling, there's no perfect time, there's just time and the memories we think of afterwards, remembering the good days. In my journey to find self actualization I haven't found perfection, only noise, only the same, this. This moment is every moment, this is the only now we can have. And the power comes from believing that every moment, regardless of posture, sense, feeling, every moment is perfect. This is all it can ever be, all it is. There's nothing better, the quest is over, holy grail discovered.
Where do I go from here?