Day 5 - 10:30pm
I didn't write yesterday, and I think the no speaking thing has come to a close. It's partially my fault, well all my fault I guess, because I have complete control over my voice and nobody else, but I'm breaking it because it's starting to do more harm than good. My family misses me, friends are asking to play video games or talk and I have to say "later," and it's honestly just getting boring. I like the mentality though, and even though I only lasted 10% of how long I wanted to, I'm still proud for trying it. I think monks have a cool idea going for them, but there's no infinity in silence, in yourself. Maybe there is, but it seems to be easier to traverse with others' inputs, and it's more fun, easier to get into a state of mindfulness, where there's no thoughts just action. I don't know
My brother yelled at me today about the whole thing, my mom talked to me yesterday about it, 40 days is a waste of time they say. I don't think so, but I believe that's on them. This idea of wasting time. I think it's impossible to waste time. Time is forever moving, even when you're doing nothing you're not wasting time; you're spending it doing nothing. It's this strange mentality in America especially I think, this idea of work. Hard work, soft work, worth and self worth and paying bills, getting money to pay bills. Electric, then water, then heating, then college loans, then frat payments, then loans, then food. It's this endless relentless system, always working just to give it away. People don't even work for themselves, it's for their bills and responsibilities. To give cash to somebody else, spend it on new shoes or an umbrella or TV to watch sports. Then a bigger TV. Then another couch. Then another chair, you get it. That's life, this consuming, eating lifestyle where bank accounts don't exist for people, they're just to get others rich. Paying employees, 401k, taxes and federal shit, consumerism taking back the world like mother nature, a cycle. And people go along with it, "that's just how the world works Brandon, that's how it is you've got no other choice." It's weird to me, they all sacrifice their free will just to live in America, feel like they're working, they deserve what they have, they're earning a living. This pride, and they look down on others that act differently, that's speak negatively about the system. They ignore them, scoff and laugh at their expense. It gives them pleasure, looking down on others. Until somebody looks down on them, then they shut their mouth and obey because they want to suck off the better man. Become him.
There's always gonna be somebody better. Nobody's at the top, just this idea of a mega-man character, Jeff Bezos Kanye West Elon Musk whoever, people have this generalized idea of somebody more powerful than all. With billions and trillions of dollars, untouchable, unfathomable genius and hard, sweaty work forever. Which is weird, because Elon's in his thirtys, he just had his first kid. How did he earn his millions? Hard work is part of it, but it's attitude that is the secret. This self belief that they can do whatever they want to do, that if the law doesn't say no then it's legal. They believe in themselves and push it all forward blah blah blah
Fuck, I'm tired again. I've been strumming guitars, hitting piano keys, finding the creativity yet again. I want to make new shit, say things that piss people off. I want to show people the truth, that the man at the top doesn't exist, that everybody is moving at the same pace, there's nobody in front right now. Running to the egg. Everybody masturbates, do you think God does? We're made in His image, so he probably does because everybody's at least contemplated it once. But they push that part away from themselves, so they can do jobs and entertain others, not just jerking off all day, relentlessly orgasming. And why don't they do that? There's not a lot better than a good orgasm, God does it so often he's cumming like 50 times a second, with a new kid born faster than the speed of time. So should humans do that too? Masturbate constantly, seek to have as many orgasms as possible, an onslaught. Like god? I don't think so, because we're not God. So what are we then? Well either we're his sperm, running towards the egg like a macrocosm of a human birth, or we're being flushed down the toilet on a kleenix, next to his Shit, getting swirled through time going in circles, round and round and round. We'll hit the sewers soon.