Thursday

I don't feel like doing anything. I went to sleep early last night because I was sleepy and felt like I would not be productive even if I spend the night awake. Now after waking up, I feel exactly the same way I felt before I went to sleep. I want to go back to sleep again, not because I'm sleepy but because I'm tired. I dread having to do the assignments and meetings I have today.

I feel kind of motivated after reviewing my Anki cards adding some good cards into my deck, because I feel like I'm beginning to understand the various topics I'm learning. Thinking of assignments and classes are still overwhelming though because they still take me too much time. Though depression might be one reason that I'm slow right now, it's also because I'm not doing well, because I don't have a grasp of why what I'm learning is fun to learn. And for something to be fun to learn, I need to dig in and study to find out the fun-ness because it is not readily apparent. And for me to be fully engaged in studying, I need to feel that what I'm learning is fun. It's a cycle.

To get into a cycle I realize I ultimately have to break into it from a state where I think studying is not fun.

I'm going to give up finishing my number theory homework so I'll be submitting only one out of eight problems I need to do, but I feel like I have a grasp of what I want to do. However I'm going to try to convince myself that the sun hasn't risen outside and try to get a few more hours of sleep.

I regret taking a nap now. Somehow right before going to sleep, I felt I suddenly understood what my life was for but after sleeping it away that sensation disappeared to nowhere. I'm so frustrated because I haven't felt this way in a long time and I lost my chance to hang onto that feeling.