TRANS GENDER

Hello! If you're reading this, you are very likely a person who is exploring your identity, has recently come out as trans, or is looking to learn more about gender and such in order to better support the people in your life. In case this makes it outside my circle of friends, I'll introduce myself. My name is Quill, I am a trans woman about a year and a half into transitioning. As I'm sure you'll see, I have very open and inclusive ideas on gender and sexuality (among many other things). This is meant to be sort of a primer on the whole gender "thing" as well as some advice for both trans people (transfems in particular, as that is the experience I draw from) and those looking to support them. I am certainly not the be-all end-all of trans experience or knowledge, and while I have learned and lived quite a lot of this, I have not done much rigorous study, so take everything with a grain of salt. That said, where better to start than the question so many people are asking these days:

So, What is Gender?

You've almost certainly heard the phrase "gender is a social construct" but I've found that you kinda have to dig a bit to find what that actually means. In short: there's biological sex, which influences the genitalia one is born with, the proclivity of one's body towards producing certain hormones (primarily testosterone or estrogen), what kind of puberty one will go through, and a handful of other things. Then there's gender, which influences the sorts of clothing one likes to wear, how one wants to be perceived by others, (sometimes) the activities or interests that one pursues, and many other things that have no basis in biology. In other words, gender has been made up (constructed) by society -- thus, it's a social construct. Gender and sex are often conflated, and can overlap or match up (as they tend to in cisgender individuals) but they are not the same thing and there is no intrinsic link between them. Both of these categories are actually so incredibly complex that you could spend years at a university trying to learn about and understand the full breadth and depth of possibilities, but you don't have to worry about the vast majority of that unless you want to. The important thing is really to keep an open mind. There's a whole world of experiences out there, so listen and be accepting when somebody shares theirs.

In long, I personally think the most useful way to look at gender is as a combination of the role we play within society, how exactly we want to play that role, and an internal sense of who we are. Everyone* has an internal sense of what our gender is, though trans people tend to be the most acutely aware of it (*some people, notably the agender community, don't necessarily have this sense and can identify with that lack of gender or turn that into a gender all its own). This sense can also change over time, or it might not make itself known until later in life. In my own experience, I didn't realize I was trans until college, when this internal sense caught up to me and I had a very sudden realization of "oh I'm a girl actually." Having looked back over my life, there were a lot of signs of me being trans that I hadn't recognized as such, but moving away from my parents and going to college finally took a lot of pressures off of me and gave me the emotional bandwidth to listen to my body and mind a bit better. Being around a very diverse group of people there also really opened my eyes to the possibilities of what a person could be like. To my knowledge, we as a society don't really know where this gender sense comes from or why we have it (like many other things about our brains). But if you're trying to live as the wrong gender, it will make itself loud and clear sooner or later.

So what about social roles? The most common ones in our western society are "man" and "woman" with "non-binary" becoming increasingly visible and popular these days. I view all of these as umbrella terms, which can be identified with on their own, or used as a baseline for more specific genders and identities. A lot of people have a very specific identity but still consider themselves to fall within one of these umbrellas. The gay and lesbian communities have been a bit ahead of the curve in that regard, with bear, twink, butch, femme, etc. being genders in their own right within those umbrella terms of man or woman (in my view, at least. There are several schools of thought about gender). Trans and Cis are usually separate genders as well. For some, primarily binary trans people (those who consider themselves "fully" a man or a woman, as opposed to those who fall outside the binary in some way), this distinction is meaningless outside of very particular contexts (medical, for instance). For others, myself included, this label can be a very personally important one (though be wary of anyone who takes particular pride in being cis, as this can be a red flag for transphobia). All of these genders, both umbrellas and specifics, tend to have associated styles of dress, mannerisms, and interests that are common within their respective communities. Though there is no guarantee that an individual matches up with any of these despite using the label, and there are of course stereotypes that can be harmful. It's safest not to make any assumptions about an individual based on their gender, or what you perceive their gender to be (sometimes a very important distinction). This is much easier said than done, given how much some of these assumptions/stereotypes have been ingrained in our society. And also many people aim for an appearance which is very much intended to evoke specific qualities that they want to influence people's assumptions. Gender is kinda messy in a lot of ways. Again, bottom line is to keep an open mind and listen to people.

A sidenote on biological sex: most of the time, a male person has XY chromosomes, and a female person has XX. If someone is talking about chromosomes in a discussion about gender or trans people, they are almost always under the assumption that this is true for every human. They are incorrect. There are people with typical male anatomy and XX chromosomes, or typical female anatomy with XY, or some other configuration of chromosomes like XXY. It's also entirely possible to have both sets of reproductive organs at once, or a set of primary sex characteristics (genitals and such) that doesn't match neatly with your secondary sex characteristics (body/facial hair growth, breast development, etc.), or hormone production that isn't typical of your sex, or any number of other variations. When somebody's body falls outside the "default" configuration of all this, that person is intersex. And intersex people aren't that uncommon! Estimates put them as around 1.7% of the population, which is about the same as the number of people who have red hair. However, a lot of people never actually discover that they are intersex, either because it's in a way that just isn't noticeable except in particular (generally medical) contexts that don't come up, or because they are given surgery (generally as a baby or minor, almost always without their informed consent) to bring their body closer to that of a "typical" person of either sex. This practice is becoming less common as people become aware that "hey that's pretty fucked up" but it's still unfortunately happening.

Until fairly recently, the vast majority of people, particularly in our western society, had a relatively narrow understanding of all this. The common stance was that there were two genders, man and woman. Men were strong, stoic, and rational. They had interests like big loud vehicles, alcohol, and violence. Women were weak, nurturing and emotional. They had interests like childcare, cooking, and sewing. Women were meant to serve, and men were meant to be served. Any transgressions of these concepts meant that you're a freak or a failure, and were treated as such by those around you. This is the essence of the Gender Binary, all of which you're likely already familiar with on some level. Needless to say, it is artificial and outdated. None of these differences are intrinsic to anyone's biology (though some people, broadly called bioessentialists, will claim that they are). Having different interests or qualities does not make someone any more or less of a man/woman, and frankly having that divide betweeen man and woman as social groups has done a lot more harm than good. Additionally, this is where the term nonbinary comes from, someone who opts out of either of those categories to do their own thing. However, many of these binary ideas still have way more impact on our society than they should, though a lot of people have done a lot of work to transcend and erase this strict dichotomy. We'll circle back to this when we talk about patriarchy and feminism a bit later. Also, do note that many of these ideas have not always existed; the history of gender is complex and quite varied depending on where and when in the world you look, but this binary is the predominant concept that influences most people you'll come across.

Apart from the man/woman binary, there is also a binary between cis and trans people. This has been discussed much less, since it has only really come into the public eye relatively recently. But the general idea is that there are intrinsic differences between cis people and trans people, regardless of gender, and that everyone can be neatly sorted into one of those boxes based on said differences. Usually it's the things that define trans people as a group, like self-identifying as a gender that's different than the one assigned at birth, or having certain experiences (dysphoria, for instance), or the like. But there are a lot of people, especially enbys (lengthened form of NB, NonBinary) that are definitionally trans, as they weren't assigned nonbinary at birth, that for one reason or another don't identify with trans as a label. They don't call themselves trans and they certainly aren't cis, so they fall outside the cis/trans binary as well as the man/woman one. There are also people that kinda-sorta identify with their assigned gender, but aren't really comfortable being called cis. Plus plenty of people don't really care about one label or another and just are themselves. Ultimately the divide between cis and trans people is not nearly so cut and dry as a lot of people like to think. There is still value in defining trans people as a group, as we're being persecuted on a few different fronts, but one day perhaps it won't matter in the least whether someone's gender changes, or what their gender is.

You may also hear people talk about gender as a "performance". The idea behind this is that gender doesn't necessarily have any sort of internal component at all, and it's basically only in the roles you play. For instance, as long as you are "performing" womanhood (through things like feminine clothing, makeup, the way you carry yourself, how you speak, etc.) you are a woman in the eyes of society. When you aren't doing this performance, you are not a woman. Looking at gender in this way can be useful, particularly in the sense that it's all about how other people see you and thus how they will treat you. To treat gender as a performance can be helpful for receiving affirmation from those around you. I personally don't tend to look at gender in this way because it can sometimes encourage the perpetuation of stereotypes and I don't like the lack of self-determination and self-identification, which I view as more important in determining one's gender than the way other people see them. Though I do always enjoy when people use that framing to say things like "gender is a performance and I forgot all my lines."

With trans and queer people becoming more and more visible over the last couple of decades, particularly with the rise of the internet, a lot of folks are learning and sharing a lot more about what gender can be. Basically anything one identifies with can be a gender. Furries can be a decent example of this, identifying on a gender level with a particular animal or creature (though it's a diverse community and it's certainly not a gender thing for everyone). I've got a friend who genders as sphinx but not, to my knowledge, as a furry. I've seen people identify gender-wise with celestial bodies, nature, robots, abstract concepts, really just whatever. Generally speaking, these identities outside the "standard" conception of gender are referred to as xenogenders. There are also a lot of subcultures that people don't really consider discrete genders, but could absolutely be construed that way, like astrology, or the whole alpha/beta/sigma male thing (though many of these guys really don't like "gender ideology" despite effectively making new genders). You could reasonably make the argument that there are practically as many genders in the world as there are people, but that does make the word more or less meaningless. Perhaps one day it will be, and maybe that's for the best. Gender is so much fun if you do it right, but it doesn't need to be nearly as loaded as it is in today's society. In the meantime, we should do what we can to dismantle the power structures that make it feel like work (and/or sin) to simply exist as you are. But I'll forgo the anticapitalism rant for today.

Dysphoria

One of the biggest factors in people realizing they are trans and deciding to transition is dysphoria. Simply put, it's a disconnect between how you feel something about yourself should be, and how it actually is. I think it is generally distinct though not always meaningfully different from just not liking something about yourself. Almost anything can be a source of dysphoria, and it's not limited to trans people by any means. In fact, one of the most common varieties of dysphoria that I'm aware of is almost entirely experienced by cis men, though it's usually not called such. The more common name for it in that case is emasculation. Being made to feel like you are not fulfilling your gender role is exactly what a lot of trans people go through, there's just a different name for it when it happens to men because they like to feel special (half-joking). There are plenty of different types of dysphoria, but we'll focus on gender dysphoria as that's usually the relevant one for trans people (though again, cis people can and do experience this!). As the name implies, this category specifically refers to the things people associate with particular genders, and how a difference between what is and what "should be" can cause great discomfort.

The intensity and effect of this can vary quite heavily from person to person, and can even change how it manifests depending on whether you're aware of it or not. It's not uncommon for people to have a sort of vague discomfort or disconnect with their body before their egg cracks (a popular metaphor for someone realizing they're trans, in case you hadn't come across that term) only for it to become very specific and intense afterward. I've seen the opinion that realizing you're trans feels like it should be the final boss, but in fact you've only just passed the tutorial. When dysphoria bothers me personally, it's generally a background stressor that I can't always put my finger on, but it drains me until I take some action about it.

A side note on gender dysphoria as a medical diagnosis: if there's one thing the American healthcare system is really good at, it's gatekeeping. For a very long time, this was true for gender affirming care (and really it still is to a considerable degree, but it used to be even worse). I won't get into the whole history of it, but basically a written diagnosis of gender dysphoria, formerly known as gender identity disorder, was required in order to receive any gender affirming care at all. As GID, the restrictions for who could be diagnosed were very specific and limiting, and a desire to change genders was actually viewed as an "advanced form" of homosexuality, and was touted almost as a "cure" for this. I.e. if you wanted to transition, you had to be exclusively attracted to your birth sex, and transition was a way to make you straight. This was the way it was widely treated in medicine until as recently as 2011. However, codifying it as a medical condition did allow a lot more people to actually get access to affirming care and transition services. These days, the criteria are much more reasonable, and while there is a certain amount of gatekeeping and requirements that are wholly unneccessary, it is incredibly easy to access gender care today relative to just over a decade ago. Thus it is very important on a practical level that gender dysphoria is a diagnosis that exists, and that transition is the treatment for it, but it isn't really a mental illness as is implied by its presence in the DSM 5. It is simply an experience that people can have, and some people have enough of it to want to change their gender. However, it should also be noted that you don't need any dysphoria at all to be trans, and plenty of people out there are driven to transition by euphoria instead, but we'll get to that later.

There's a very good website focused on dysphoria (what it is, how it manifests, how it's treated, etc.) that also goes into a lot of other gender things I'm talking about, as well as the history around dysphoria that I didn't fully get into. : https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en
I've spent a fair while poking around on there and going "wait that was actually dysphoria all along?"

Some common things people get gender dysphoria about are: height, jawline, body hair, voice, genitals, various facial features, the pronouns people use, particular experiences or the lack thereof (for instance I've heard about trans women getting dysphoric that they don't experience periods, despite very few people actually liking their period. More often it's things like "didn't go to sleepovers or prom or some other social event as the right gender"), and so on and so forth. Many of these things can be alleviated by the process of transition or putting in work to change things, particularly on the social/experiential side of things. These days at least, I myself mostly get dysphoric about my voice and body/facial hair (a sudden desire to shave my objectively decent mustache+beard a few years ago was one of those signs of transness I didn't recognize at the time). These are thankfully not too hard to change, though it does require some work and upkeep on my end that I don't always have the energy for, which can be a kind of vicious cycle every now and again. There are some things, notably facial features, that are fairly difficult to change (especially if you don't have a lot of money) but far from impossible. Then there are things that can cause dysphoria which are nigh impossible to change, most commonly height.

While most of the self is quite mutable, and HRT does work some miracles, there are things about your body that might just give you grief for as long as you live. This is a part of why the body positivity movement is tremendously important and helpful. If you can change something, great! If not, it's gonna be much easier if you can learn to appreciate and love your body for what it is, though that can be a daunting task. I've found a lot of value in positive online spaces where people express attraction to bodies and features that are a lot like mine. Used to be, especially when I was starting to question gender, that I was generally fine with my body. There were plenty of things I'd change if I could, but at the end of the day it was tolerable. Before I considered being trans as an option, I just didn't really care about my appearance, or the clothes I wore, or at times even personal hygiene (apologies to anyone that had to spend time near me during that...). A good chunk of this was unrecognized dysphoria, or in the early stages of my transition, still dysphoria but I recognized it as such. But nowadays, I absolutely love the way I look (usually at least. There are still some bad body days, so to speak), which quite neatly leads us into:

Euphoria

Just the opposite of dysphoria, euphoria is the sensation of something about yourself being very right. Again, this is not limited to gender stuff and transness, but that is the aspect I'll be focusing on. It is in many ways exactly the same as dysphoria but positive. It can vary in cause and intensity from person to person, everybody experiences it but trans people tend to be the most adept at recognizing it, and it is a major driving factor in many people's transition. Common sources of euphoria include wearing clothes of the gender you want to present as, liking the way you look in the mirror, (for transfeminine people especially) wearing makeup that enhances your gender presentation, body/facial hair or lack thereof, people using the correct pronouns, being treated like "one of the girls" or "one of the guys", being given compliments, fulfilling social roles associated with your gender, etc. Similarly, one doesn't need euphoria to be trans. Alleviating dysphoria or simply wanting to live as another gender for any reason (or no reason at all) are both perfectly valid.

A lot of trans people discover that they might fit better with another gender because of euphoria. The "stereotypical" transfem story includes secretly experimenting with makeup from their mom's purse as a child, or dressing up in an older sister's skirts, or some similar gender affirming behavior long before they have the knowledge or higher concepts around gender and transness. This is generally chasing euphoria, as opposed to trying to alleviate dysphoria. Not everyone goes through this sort of thing (including me), but it does highlight some of the feelings that come with being trans.

The website I shared in the last section also discusses euphoria right alongside dysphoria if you'd like to learn more.

In my own experience, euphoria really just brightens my whole life while I'm feeling it. It's a unique kind of happiness and satisfaction with myself in general and my appearance in particular. I get euphoria primarily from having my arms and legs shaved, wearing nice dresses, and being treated like a girl by the people around me. People automatically using the right pronouns or making comments about "the nice young lady that was helping us" always feels very nice and affirming. As I progress further with HRT, I'm also liking my body and features more and more, including how I see myself in the mirror. On a related note, my relationship with the mirror has been steadily improving. As I mentioned, I used to merely tolerate my body, and thus have never cared that much for looking at it. But as I transitioned, I began to get glimpses of myself looking like a girl, which has become more and more common as time goes on, and these days I really love the way that I look.

How Do You Transition the Right Way?

Trick question, there is no "right way" to transition, except just "whatever feels good to you." But there are some common steps one may want to go through. Most trans people go by different names and/or pronouns as well as changing the way they dress and present. This makes up the bulk of what is called social transition, which is about what it says on the face: changing your gender in social contexts without necessarily undergoing physiological changes. Many trans people go through hormone replacement therapy (HRT), which generally involves taking blockers for one primary sex hormone (estrogen or testosterone) and supplements for the other. HRT can also include other hormones to enhance its effects (progesterone, for instance, is a common one for transfem people).

You can find exhaustive lists of all the possible effects of HRT online (including the site I linked above. Here's the page for estrogenic HRT https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en/second-puberty-fem), but the most prominent effects tend to include change in skin texture, development of secondary sex characteristics (notably breast development for transfems), brain chemistry adjustments and a different experience with emotions, and redistribution of body fat. If started early enough there can also be some changes in the way your bone structure develops (e.g. widening of the hips for transfems).

If you decide to undergo chemical/physiological transition (or are just questioning what you want your body to be like) before puberty begins, there won't really be hormones to block, nor would it be appropriate for development to take additional hormones. Usually in this case you will be prescribed puberty blockers, some of the most common being zoladex, supprelin, and lupron. These, as the name implies, simply delay the effects of the puberty your body would normally go through. Once you've reached at least the stage of development where you would begin puberty, and you have determined enough about your identity to determine what you want to do with your body, you would then start taking the hormone supplements for your preferred puberty.

These blockers in particular can be something that conservatives make a lot of noise about, saying that they'll have permanent effects, deal irrevocable damage, and so on and so forth. The whole point of blockers is that they don't have lasting effects, and in fact they are for preventing your body from going through permanent changes that you might not want. As with most medications, though, there are possible side effects. For instance, there is evidence that they can lead to having a low bone density. However, it takes a while before any adverse effects start developing, and if you and your doctor are keeping an eye on things, it's not hard to head off any potential issues before they deal actual damage. As a whole, puberty blockers are in fact very safe and should be trusted if your doctor thinks they would be beneficial to you. Here's a good video by a trans youtuber that goes into a lot more detail: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1fIRv1mG3DY.

There are also several other things you can do to transition that don't involve hormones. Most common for transfem people include voice training, permanent hair removal, and learning skincare and makeup. As with everything, these are by no means necessary, and if transitioning before puberty, some of these may not have much value anyway; voice training for instance is generally learning how to counteract the thickening of the vocal cords that testosterone brings, because estrogen has no direct impact on the voice.

One of the bigger steps one can take in their transition journey is surgery. Despite what you may hear from conservatives, these are not performed on people younger than 18 except in very very rare circumstances. There are a few different surgeries available for either transmasculine or transfeminine people that can be incredibly gender affirming. The big one for a lot of transfems is bottom surgery, using primarily the tissues of the penis to form a vagina. Another very common one is facial feminization (or facial harmonization) surgery, which generally involves adjusting the bone structure of the face to be more feminine. Very similarly to that is the tracheal shave, which aims to make the adam's apple smaller and less prominent. There's also breast and butt augmentation, and likely a few others that I'm not familiar with. Gender-related surgeries have some of the lowest regret rates of any surgery that is performed. Even things like knee or hip replacements have a significant number of people who regret it (in the ballpark of 10-30%), but gender affirming surgeries have less than 1% regret rate, only 0.3% of patients in a fairly recent study had any regrets about gender affirming surgeries. More detail on that can be found in this article: https://www.gendergp.com/new-study-confirms-regret-rates-of-gender-affirming-surgery-are-non-existent/

Absolutely none of these steps are necessary to be valid, and you should only do things that you are comfortable with and wish to pursue. Also, consult with a doctor for anything that might have a permanent impact on your body. There are people who will disagree and say you need this or that or the other thing to be "truly trans" (e.g. the transmedicalist community, who believe you need a diagnosis and particular surgeries to be trans). These people can and should be ignored.

I personally have undergone full social transition and am on HRT, have been for about 10 months. I've seen most of the primary effects pretty strongly, and have been very happy with it. I've also started voice training, and I have regular electrolysis appointments for facial hair removal. Electrolysis is the one of the main methods of permanently getting rid of hair, right along with laser hair removal. It involves poking into individual hair follicles and zapping them with heat and electricity. This may sound painful, and it is, but the results are definitely worthwhile for me, though it's certainly not for everyone. I don't currently plan on getting any surgeries, though that could well change as time goes on.

As far as HRT goes, I get mine through Planned Parenthood, who work on an informed consent model, which means you don't need to jump through all the hoops that are associated with the broader medical system. As such, I can't personally speak to those experiences, but I know the requirements can vary wildly state-to-state, or even doctor-to-doctor. Some will require you to get written confirmation from a couple separate therapists that you do in fact have gender dysphoria, others require that and also need you to spend a year socially transitioned, and I'm sure there are even more ridiculous requirements somewhere. Informed consent means you can say "I'd like to go through hormone therapy" and the doctor will provide you with the information on what that will entail, what effects and side effects you may get, etc. and then you can just start taking hormones. In addition to Planned Parenthood there are several doctors out there that also go by informed consent, though I can't speak to any of these. With PP I made an appointment online for about a week out, spent maybe half an hour in the clinic, and started taking estrogen that same day. They also gave me a packet of resources for various other services like voice coaching, hair removal, and surgery. I don't know how similar of a process it is to get puberty blockers, but I'd imagine it isn't far off. You may need to do some looking to find a clinic near you that provides HRT or puberty blockers. I have a friend in the vicinity of Duvall, who has been having trouble finding an accessible Planned Parenthood that's accepting new patients for HRT, or a convenient doctor who works on informed consent. But if you can connect with someone who does that, it is very much worth it.

Coming out

Coming out as trans (or queer in any regard) can be a very stressful thing, even if you're completely confident that people will be supportive. There's a lot of societal stigma around being different in any capacity, and there are places out there where it can be very dangerous to live authentically, but both of those are rapidly improving (particularly among the youth). In many schools, it's become pretty commonplace to have a couple of gay, trans, nonbinary, or otherwise very cool classmates. Still, in some places and under some contexts, it is important to keep in mind a couple things when determining who exactly you should tell that you are trans.

First, would the person you are thinking of coming out to want to harm you (physically or otherwise) if they knew you were trans? This question is fairly self-explanatory and frequently not something one knows the answer to, unless one has seen that person around trans people. But for the vast majority of people in a lot of places, the answer is no. Second, is this person in a position of authority where they could deny you access to something you need or want? For instance, a teacher could arbitrarily give you worse grades than your classmates, making your report card look a lot worse than it should be. This can be incredibly important when you're trying to get access to, say, housing or healthcare; a landlord or a doctor can simply refuse to work with you if they don't like that you're trans. The third thing to keep in mind, which can mitigate that issue a bit: are there policies in place that would prevent this person from taking action against you? A lot of places have been moving towards having gender neutral bathrooms, for instance, so if somebody tried to stop you from using a bathroom with or without urinals, they would get in trouble. Sometimes these are enforceable and sometimes they aren't, it kinda depends on the context and who would be doing the enforcing. It's important for everyone to know your rights, but often as a trans person you'll have to be very acutely aware of them, because people will try to get away with things if they're motivated and think they can. Knowing where those lines are and when to call someone out for crossing them is likely gonna be a bigger part of your life than it will be for your cis peers, unfortunately. There are plenty of other factors that could go into whether or not to come out to someone, but these are the most important ones for your safety.

To summarize, before you come out to someone, consider:

1. Would this person want to hurt you in some way?
2. Could they hurt you in a way that matters?
3. Would they be able to get away with it?

If the answer to all of these questions is yes, you should not let them know that you are trans. If the answer to at least one of these is yes, you may want to think twice about it and consider whether it's worth the risk. If the answer to all of the questions is no, then it's probably fine but you are still not obligated to tell anyone that you don't want to. You can be as open or shut about it as you please. Identity is a very personal thing, and nobody is entitled to know jack shit about yours. I wear mine pretty loud and proud, but I've known people for whom it's a pretty exclusive club that gets to know the real them, and I'm dead certain there are people who would consider themselves trans but will never tell a soul. All of these positions are equally valid, as is any other route you might take, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. A common question you might start to get is whether you're going to get, or have already had, "the surgery" (by which they mean bottom surgery). That is none of their business, and you have no obligation to give them any answer. Transphobes can get really fixated on people's genitals, which is gross and they should be embarrassed about it.

If you are trying to support someone who is trans, the important thing is to listen to them about how they want you to approach things and talk about them. A good rule of thumb is to not tell anyone about it that you have not been given explicit permission for. This can certainly be uncomfortable, as it may require using the wrong pronouns and/or name to avoid outing them to people, but it's generally better to deadname (to use the name they were given at birth rather than the one they chose) someone than to risk their safety. But again, listen to them and respect their wishes if they want you to do differently. I personally am very open about being trans and everyone I know has blanket permission to use my real name and preferred pronouns in all contexts, as well as letting people know about my trans identity (unless they have reason to believe that it would be unsafe for anyone involved).

Living as a Trans Girl

There are a couple things to be aware of from a transfeminine perspective in particular. If you are transfem, this is addressed specifically to you. Otherwise, it's still good to be aware of. A lot of it is unfortunately kinda negative. For one, feminism will take on a much greater importance for you than it would have otherwise. Misogyny is very likely the most widespread and normalized form of discrimination in our western society. You may well get to be intimately familiar with what people call the patriarchy, and you no longer benefit from it. By and large, our society has developed in such a way that white, straight, cisgender men have a great many advantages that other people don't. People are becoming ever more conscious of this and there's been solid progress in trying to counteract a lot of those advantages, but they are so deeply ingrained in the systems of power that it can be very hard, and there's much work yet to be done. To rattle off some examples, men tend to be hired over women, paid more than women, taken more seriously than women in nearly every context, trusted more than women, expected to do less housework and childrearing than women, feel safer than women in their everyday lives, pay less money than women for the same product or service, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. It's some bullshit, basically. A lot of that can be magnified even further because you're trans, which socially lowers you about a class in the public eye (i.e. if you're middle class and trans, you can expect some people to treat you as if you were lower class, which is to say poorly). There are many ways this can manifest, but some classic ones are things like people (particularly men) not listening to what you say, talking over you, saying "you're prettier when you smile", making inappropriate or unwelcome comments about you, expecting you to always be nice, tying your value to your looks, and many other little things that imply you (and all women) are meant to serve men. One that can be particularly annoying is if you say something and get ignored, then a man says the exact same thing and is celebrated for it. That happens so much more than it should. You will probably get pretty good at spotting all the little places this misogyny rears its head, and it'll be very handy if you learn to stick up for yourself when you do see it. There's a lot to be learned about this from the various feminism movements out there, both historic and ongoing. I'd advise doing some research, arming yourself with knowledge and all that.

Speaking of feminism, there are people out there who try to use it as a cudgel against trans people, women in particular. They are generally called TERFs, which stands for Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist. Now this term has become unpopular in TERF circles as they've been called out more and more on their behavior, to the point where you'll almost certainly come across the phrase "TERF is a slur" often followed by "it's used to silence women." The terminology they use to refer to themselves can be kinda fluid, but "Gender Critical" is probably the most common these days, or simply "Radical Feminists". Regardless of what they call themselves, TERFs are in fact neither radical nor actually feminist. The main ideology they push is gender essentialism, which basically argues that women and men are just built differently, are good at different things, etc. and that this is somehow intrinsic to your sex/gender assigned at birth. My understanding of what they say largely boils down to "If you're born a woman, you're inherently emotional, and weak, and well-suited to childcare, and you need to be protected from all the scary things in the world, but also you can do anything a man can do if you put your mind to it -- you just aren't meant for it. If you're born a man, you are more rational, and powerful, and dangerous, but you're a slave to your desires and are inherently predatory. This is simply in how your brain is wired and it cannot be changed." And none of that is actually true, nor is it consistent, but bigotry is not rooted in consistency. The way they see things, trans women are actually just men that are trying to gain access to women's spaces in order to harm those women. Trans men, if they're brought up at all, are usually seen as either "poor lost lesbians" that have been confused by the evil Trans Rights Activists into thinking that they're men, or women who are trying to acquire and benefit from male privilege at the expense of other women. TERFs try to frame themselves as "protectors of women", because, they say, men are inherently evil and we have to be vigilant about any possible vector by which a man might try to take advantage of a woman. This is, on its face, untrue. That is simply not how people work. And their suggested solutions often boil down to regressing to traditional and very strictly delineated gender roles for men and women, which simply upholds the whole patriarchial system that does tangible harm to women, and that actual feminism has been trying to dismantle for decades.

J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books, is the most prominent public figure that is openly a TERF (of course she doesn't call herself one, but she platforms and pushes TERF rhetoric and is therefore a TERF). Harry Potter is a decent story that has done a lot of people a lot of good, I used to be a big fan of the books (they were some of the first actual novels I ever read), but because supporting Harry Potter implicitly supports Rowling, it can be something of a red flag if someone is especially into it. Liking Harry Potter does not automatically make someone transphobic or otherwise bigoted, but be a little careful if they're just real enthusiastic about it.

So ordinary misogyny and transphobia are bad enough, but they also intersect, in what is aptly called transmisogyny. This is the worst of both worlds, where you get both the penalties of being a woman and the distrust that is often held against trans people. This frequently materializes in people interpreting everything you say in the worst possible faith and jumping to extreme conclusions about you. You're held to an impossibly high standard and then attacked for being anything less than perfect (which is to say, human). It's especially common on social media sites. It really sucks, but the best strategy for dealing with this sort of thing is very often to just walk away and not engage with it, because anything you say can and will be used against you.

There's also all the systemic, legal attacks that are taking place against trans people. In many states, especially in the south, bills have been introduced that aim to restrict access to gender-affirming care, especially (but not solely) for minors. This, again, largely frames itself as "protecting the children" against doing things they might regret (despite all the evidence to the contrary). Yet more bills try to restrict trans people from competing in sports, or attack drag performers' ability to perform in public, or try to prevent trans people from having children. There's a lot and I am not going to elaborate on all of them or why they're bad, but the ultimate goal of all this is to stop trans people from existing. Many of these bills are unconstitutional and have been struck down by courts, but that doesn't stop people from trying. In plenty of other states, however, those freedoms that are being attacked have been well-protected. The west coast and the northeast are the biggest regions with favorable laws for trans people, and I consider myself very lucky that I live in Washington, where it's quite safe to be myself. A journalist by the name of Erin Reed has committed to tracking all these laws and other trans-related news. She makes monthly maps of which states are most likely to make laws about trans people one way or the other, and you can find her work at https://www.erininthemorning.com/.

So that's the negative. It's just going to be a part of life that you'll have to deal with eventually, especially online. It sounds like a lot, and it can really suck, but honestly in the real world you're very likely not going to run into much of this at all. In my day-to-day life I don't think I've gotten a single person that was outwardly transphobic (or at least, transphobic enough for me to notice). The average person I've met is broadly supportive, even if they don't necessarily "get" the whole "gender thing". This can vary quite a bit depending on where you live, but I think that's sorta the baseline for a good deal of the US. And it is generally improving as time goes on. Part of the reason transphobes and notably TERFs are as vocal and vitriolic about their opinions as they are is because most people really don't care what you do with yourself. They have to paint us as inherently evil, predatory, dangers to children, and so on in order to gather any sort of support for their movement. If we're not hurting anyone, then why would people care what we do with ourselves? They don't. Ultimately what a lot of it boils down to is that transphobes think it's gross that a woman might have a penis (or any other banal transgression of gender roles). But just being grossed out by something isn't really much of a basis to take action on, so they try to justify it to themselves (and others) by twisting it into a narrative about "protecting the children" or somesuch. Frankly it would all be very silly if it wasn't doing actual harm to people.

There are plenty of upsides to being a girl though! You get a lot more options in clothing, people tend to be a bit nicer to you (you get so many more compliments than men do (which is really just another side effect of that patriarchy; it hurts men too)), mostly you get to be a girl which is pretty great. There's also a very nice sense of community among a lot of women. In a society that has been built to degrade and objectify us, girls tend to stick together and support one another a lot more than men do. In the same vein, trans people often form incredibly strong bonds with each other, individually, as a group, and with the broader LGBT+ community. If you don't have any friends that are trans already, I'd recommend getting some if and when you can (or just trans the genders of your current friends lol). It's wonderful to have someone that understands exactly what you're going through without you needing to explain everything. Even if you're not trans, it's always good to have more trans friends. Something about the exploration of their identity, and the confidence that can result, makes a lot of trans people very cool.

On the more practical side of things, you may want to pick up more of an interest in clothes and makeup (though you certainly don't have to! I have barely touched makeup so far and I'm at like a year into transitioning). The most important thing is to have fun with it! Do what feels natural and good to you, and things will fall into place. Oh, it also might be a good idea to pick up a martial art. It's good exercise and knowing how to throw a punch is pretty handy.

I'm sure there are plenty of things that I've missed, and you'll figure a lot out on your own too. Plus I'm always open to questions about basically anything!

Things You Can Do to be Supportive

There's a lot of things that could be said here, but the root of it all is just to listen to the people you're trying to be there for. If you're reading this seeking advice and information, you've very likely already accepted them for who they are, which is the most important part. Every person is different and will need different things, so they should be your first source on what you can do for them. Some good baseline things are: use their preferred pronouns and their real name, stand up for them when people are mean, be a shoulder to cry on and a reliable friend, and be patient. They're almost certainly still figuring themselves out, as are we all. So even if they get a new name every week and a new pronoun every day, respect those. Even if you can't possibly understand what they're going through, listen to them and their needs. They're gonna have enough people trying to invalidate them, so make sure they know that you accept them however they are, and will be there for them however they need.

Final Thoughts

In conclusion, there's a lot that goes into being trans, and there's no one definitive trans story. But with a good support network and a positive attitude, being trans can be the most wonderful thing in the world. There's no higher calling than participating in the act of creation, and to create oneself anew is the pinnacle of achievement. This may not be an opinion many people share, but if I could choose whether or not to be cis, I'd pick being trans every time. Society may not be ready for us, but we've been here all along and we're not going away. So good luck, you're gonna do great.