Everything is different now - but in some ways it is just the same

So after I reverted I felt a sense of duality. My past existence and my new declared existence existing in my head felt kinda weird - but good weird.

Lots of different feelings floating around

You've got some imposter going on - how can I ever be good enough to do all I think I should. Some identity shifting within yourself, but also within all social situations. When you are a Muslim, it is your primary identity it effects everything you do and everything you aim to do. I could still understand and feel Atheist Adam floating around in my mind, whilst I no longer thought the same way, I could still access that sense of thought. It made it harder when facing things that were difficult to grasp or understand. The combined - can I manage this and - Past Adam - swoop in to try and dislodge me.

I always felt a sense of resolve. I know my mind now and it looks like this. But it is still unnerving as a new identity I am trying to fully own, having one I have held for so long playing on any sign of low confidence.

I really did feel like everything was different, but everything was also the same

All aspects of my life and how I thought about them were different now, but it is not like i became a different person, I was still me. And when people come to you and ask - so how is it different, are you happier now, what do you do? I found myself giving kind of different answers on different days to different people. As mentioned in a previous post about common questions. Getting asked over and over - oh so you can't drink? oh you have to eat Halal meat? was so common and also so pointless, because I only drank a handful of times - and didn't like it, and I have been veggie since I was a kid. So when I reply with this it gives the illusion to them and that conversation that nothing has really changed.

But likewise I talk about other topics, like I pray 5 times a day (minimum of course) and I want to dress slightly different and go to a Masjid and talk about learning Arabic and suddenly it is very different. I really did feel like everything was different, but everything was also the same all at once. And as mentioned before there is an element of ignorance, and also sometimes an element of Islamophobia in the conversations that gives a different feel.

Because yes - to some people, not drinking and eating meat from a different shop is enough to feel like their whole life and identity has warped. Not me of course - but that is the level of depth they are willing to delve to with me. So the conversation concludes and the result is I feel like I have discussed 0 changes - whereas they walk away shocked at the idea of not going to the pub.

Even now years on this sensation can come up. And it is not unnerving anymore, having done much more learning in the years since reverting helps with that. But of course most of my life I was not religious. It is hard to explain really. I guess it is somewhat specific to someone who has been both religious and also not at some point in their life. Perhaps for someone has always been religious the closest likening is if they had a time where they weren't practicing, and then they 'had their own reversion of sorts' whereby they got to a point in their life where the chose to 'actually' be religious.

Whereas for people who are non religious, there possibly isn't a way for me to explain. The life long religious person, will struggle to imagine not being so. And the non religious person will likewise struggle to imagine being so.

I am still me - just I feel like a better me these days, I feel more like me than I did as my past 'me'.

And whilst I am very very aware this is not a serious complaint by any means, especially relatively speaking - however - I will always kind of be different - which is ok.

When attending a Masjid, I am often 'the revert' that comes. When elsewhere identifying yourself as Muslim does have a sense of othering also. Neither of these are necessarily bad (tho sometimes they are), they are just different to my previous existence.

I think the feeling is always there, and it is both a comfort and an oddity. I wouldn't want to not have it, because that would mean I am not Adam as I know myself now, but I find that I am most happy with the feeling when it has a blatant nudge of appreciation. When something happens that makes me a feel that little bit extra acceptance.

Worth reiterating, I am very aware I have a big load of privilege - 'white male' kinda does that.

I am just trying to capture that there is a really special sense of feeling seen with something like this. Even if that being seen is just being treated no different at all - ironically sometimes being treated as if I'm not there makes me feel more like I am.

Things like someone saying salam to me, without me having to explain my life first, or the many times that people have expressed kindness and support. I am definitely an overthinker, and these small moments mean a lot