what being with damian has taught me (so far)

There's only one person that reads this blog. Damian. So here, I'll write about you because frankly, you've been on my mind a lot recently.

First of all, I think this has made me realize what it means to have independence. I'm almost 17. I should be able to make my own decisions and handle the consequences of my actions. For some reason it seems like dating was almost taboo for me. "It'll distract you", "make your grades drop", etc. etc. But isn't that what it's going to be like in college anyway? Or when I start working? I'll always have to do some sort of studying or work and the prospect of finding a partner in life isn't just going to disappear. Learning how to manage both work and a love/social life is something that I realize I must handle. Working and having a boyfriend aren't mutually exclusive as I thought it once was.
Teenagers shouldn't be afraid to love. People should be with the people who make them happy unabashedly (to a certain extent), not try to suppress it in a jar, or bury it under more obligations, or try to forget about their existence. That pain will haunt you and cut into you deeper than any scar could ever.

Another thing is, I realized I was kind of insecure about my appearance. I'm not that insecure, usually, but I guess I've been a little too harsh on myself and subconsciously comparing myself to all the models on social media and my friends. But yeah.

Third. I kind of slightly have trust issues. I'm mostly over it now that I've realized and identified them. And I'm learning to trust him more and more every single day. Starting to believe in his unwavering confidence.

Fourth. I think being with him made me realize that romance is possible in this day and age. I thought any prospect of that was gone. Situationships. Hookup culture. The way I've seen my friends treat their guys and guys treat my friends. It seems like a competition to care the least in a relationship. Cheating becomes normal. It's all about the physical part. It's all about "gaining experience". Body count. Orange peel theory. The propagation of gender roles. This is what teenage relationships are like now: fast, superficial.

I wrote this before: "Frankly I'm sick of guessing and sick of teenage boys who don't know what the fuck they're feeling. Sick of teenage boys who apologize a billion times but don't really take the time to show that they're sorry. Sick of teenage boys who can't communicate. Sick of teenage boys who use you to get a girlfriend or have sex or as a therapist. Sick of teenage boys who can't solve their own issues and need someone else to do it for them."
I don't think it only applies to boys though. It applies to every teenager.

But being with him... I don't know. Thinking about him makes me excessively happy to a degree that psychologists need to analyze.

Fifth. Despite not enjoying unwanted physical attention (who would?) and being uncomfortable with physical touch in the past, there is a certain budding wanting in me for it. And I'm not sure what to do with it. How should I feel about it? Should I feel ashamed? No, I don't think so. I want to stay in his arms forever. I want to hold his hand. I want to put my head on his shoulder. That way of conveying love is just one way and though I have disregarded it as superficial I think there is a distinction to be made here. Physical touch is like the icing on a cake. The cake being everything else - pure love. Without the cake, the icing is overly sweet and pungent. People want to satisfy their sweet tooth with it. But icing on its own isn't enjoyable. Eat too much of it and you feel sick to your stomach.
With cake, it's great. But cake and icing together - it makes it even better.

I wrote this in my diary:
"There's something so strange and mysterious about how my feelings for you become this urge to express it with my lips. Somehow it feels like the natural thing is to burrow my face into your sweatshirt and hold you. Somehow it feels like home. Somehow that feels like the thing my life is leading me up to do. This inclination to kiss you and hold your face and look into your eyes. We already do that a lot. Looking into each other's eyes.
Somehow there is an urge to announce to everyone that you're mine but I don't want to assert some sort of ownership over you and neither do I want you to do to me. I just want you, that's all.
I want to spend my whole life with you.
It's so funny why I feel this way, I don't know. This is so strange how suddenly you fell into my life.
You're in my veins. Liquidy and warm. I love thinking about you. I love doing things with you. I love the way you walk, the way you re-read our texts, the way you listen to the songs I suggest, the way you flirt openly and then are so shy when I see you in person, the way you say "uhh" when you're thinking, the way you smile, the way you stand, the way you look like that, you're so gorgeous.
I really like your everything. I said. Yeah.
Everything.
This kind of love, unconditional, whatever, I guess. It makes me crazy.
I love him. i don't know."