Nice blog ;)
Your writing is not shit, it's often profound and extremely enjoyable to read.
I stumbled across your blog as I pressed the listed link after submitting number 20 odd of my hundred. I read the last post of the person on the list who posted just before me. I too love the anonymity - I wonder if one day I will want the posts to be connected to me. I wonder about putting a domain on however I think this is a bad idea. I also sometimes think some of my own posts are reasonable and some not. I will read more of yours, also like the dark feel - I may copy some elements sometime.
I feel you regarding scheduling, it's really really hard. Here's what works for me, it may not work for you: 1) I plan out what I want to accomplish each day as just a series of checklists: - [ ] Do X - [ ] Work on Y for Z minutes - [ ] Workout Anything that I want to do I put on that list for that day of the week. If a day gets too crowded, I begin to try and reorganize that week or push things into future weeks. I use a digital calender for long term planning and just plain paper in a small binder w/ one sheet per day for a week at a time. I use Monday-Sunday slot but whatever 7 day period works for you is a good idea. I wouldn't suggest 14 days or anything less than 7. Having a weekly goal of tasks is the right level of details. For anything that should be done in a future week I just create a full day event on a random day of that week and dump that task into that day. (When I'm creating my paper plan, I'll see that and put more thought into where I should actually allocate it or just push it off into the future) I try to make it so that I'm only spending 12 hours or so working and leave the other 6 to act as a buffer/time to enjoy something or whatever. (Usually time to enjoy something, talk with friends etc). I try to schedule my down time as well, this sounds odd but scheduling your downtime actually makes you more relaxed and at the end of the day you know if you succeed at relaxing. Did you do the thing you were supposed to do during work and relaxation? Good. If you didn't for multiple days in a row, don't try to just push harder, back off and see if you can then hit the targets. Sometimes we really just need days of doing nothing. For me I've found that if I give myself 3 nights without social interaction, I energize and feel less stressed. I plan my days in usually 30 minutes or 1 hour chunks. For example: 0630-0705 Bootup 0705-0805 Work on Sapphire Pack (doing Y) 0805-0835 Work on Sapphire Pack (doing X) 0840-1640 Job -> Break down each hour if possible. Work is more of a wishlist than actually expect to get done. If I get 30% of what I planned to do done, I'm quite happy. It really depends on your job. 1640-1700 Reentry This is actually super super important. We need a routine or something that allows us to exit work and enter life (and possibly vice versa). Often since we're not robots I find that adding a 5 minute buffer at end of each task allows us to have unexpected things come up without completely derailing our day. Finally, it's always after I finish up work that I plan the next day. This is nice because I don't have to worry about planning out what I next need to do during the day. I find inventive ways to use 15 minutes between doing something that I otherwise would have squandered. Finally, the day isn't done until I use the backside of the schedule for that day to write down some thoughts and observations. I don't keep these past the end of the week, but writing down thoughts and observations allows me to unwind and often get rid of those persistent things that are bumping around inside.
That's alright. Things change, sometimes what you set out to do is not what you end up doing. I still enjoy seeing into your mind and learning about myself thru you.
1.) You are an animal: “What a chimera then is humankind. What a novelty; what a monster, what a chaos.” ~Blaise Pascal This one is painfully obvious, but you probably need a reminder. You are a naked ape. You are blood and bones and improbable apposable thumbs. You were born from the womb and you will one day be food for worms. In the womb, you went through all the phases of evolution: from a single-celled amoeba to a multicellular tadpole to a brain-wielding infant. In your short life, you will piss and s*** and bleed. You will rage and cry and sleep. You will go through all the profane motions of being a mortal mammal within an amoral universe. And here’s the real kick in the teeth: it’s going to hurt like hell. Hope you have a good sense of humor, because you’re going to need it. 2.) You are fallible: “Things fall apart. The center cannot hold.” ~W.B. Yeats You are terribly imperfect. You will make mistakes. More so, you are mistaken about a great many things. Most of which you will probably never admit to yourself, because admitting you are wrong is one of the most difficult things a human being can do. But it goes deeper than that. There are fallibilities within fallibilities. It’s a veritable fractal forest of fallibility. A fractal wrongness, if you will. You are more wrong about things than you can possibly imagine, and yet you insist. You force your wrongness. You are fierce with it, ruthlessly certain with it. You are so hungry for rightness that you bludgeon the Truth with your wrongness. All the while imagining that you are right. As it turns out, **you are more likely to be right by admitting that you are probably wrong than by declaring that you are probably right**. 3.) You are a hypocrite: “You have not learned to play and mock the way a man ought to play and mock. Are we not always seated at a great table for play and mockery? Learn to laugh at yourselves as a man ought to laugh. Learn to laugh beyond yourselves, and learn to laugh well.” ~Nietzsche You are a hypocrite by nature. By the fact that you perceive an unfathomable reality with fallible faculties. It’s not even your fault. Just the fact that you are a “you” precludes hypocrisy. The self is smoke and mirrors, masks and mayhem. More akin to a chaotic theater of actors than a single personality. Indeed, the self is masks all the way down perceiving delusions all the way up. Hypocrisy was always inevitable. Merely the biproduct of a fallible self. Amidst this mayhem of fallible selfhood, you will experience dissimulation and self-deception, dishonesty and deep pretension, inauthenticity and artificiality. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. The rest is hidden beneath layer upon layer of subconscious/unconscious double-dealings, feigned sincerity, two-faced unctuousness, and the mealymouthed choruses of canting contradictions. Your hypocrisy knows no bounds, so you might as well own up to it. 4.) You will fail: “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” ~Samuel Beckett Failure is a given when you are merely a fallible, hypocritical animal going through the motions of living life in an uncertain universe. But there is wisdom hidden in failure if you are keen to it. Setbacks can be transformed into steppingstones. Tragedy can be hardwired into comedy. Catastrophe can be whittled into accomplishment. You can build a ladder out of the shattered pieces of your life and climb out of the abyss. But guess what? You will probably fail again. The higher you climb the farther you may fall. When it comes to failure, there is always a deeper abyss. Defeat, hard luck, and utter collapse are right around the corner. Disappointment is Accomplishment’s kissing cousin. Tragedy is Triumph’s red-headed stepchild. Today’s achievement could very well be tomorrow’s tripwire. So be it. Use it all as a sharpening stone for your all-too-mortal soul. 5.) You are never not broken: “We adore chaos because we love to produce order.” ~M.C. Escher **Wholeness does not imply perfection. It infers embracing brokenness as an essential part of being human. There is never a state in which you are not broken**. You are a walking, talking broken heart going through the motions of breaking apart and coming back together again. This also applies to the mind, the body, and the soul. You are constantly in a state of repair. Your suffering is sufferable. What’s insufferable is your ideal of perfection. There will always be pain. There will always be heartache. There will always be existential angst. We wreck ourselves against these. Then we knock out the dents, mend the cracks, and heal the wounds. We do this in the hope that it will make us stronger. But perhaps it won’t. The wound may or may not become a sacred wound. All you can do is hurt, heal, and hope. Hurt, heal, and hope. **From fragility to robustness to antifragility, you will always be in a state of falling apart and coming back together again. Embrace it.** 6.) You have a dark side: **“There are no shortcuts to wholeness. The only way to become whole is to put our arms lovingly around everything we know ourselves to be: self-serving and generous, spiteful and compassionate, cowardly and courageous, treacherous and trustworthy. We must be able to say, ‘I am all of the above.’”** ~Parker J. Palmer You have a shadow. Even your shadow has a shadow called the golden shadow. Your shadow is your repressed or unconscious self, struggling to be liberated and more conscious. Awareness is key. Becoming aware of our shadow side is shining a light into the darkness and giving our dark side permission to shine its blacklight back into the blinding light, which creates a unity of opposites. An empowered dark side balances out the equation of the complicated human condition. Without this balance, you risk fragile one-dimensionality and a brittle ego terrified of taking responsibility for its shadow and thus fearful of the shadow of others. **You cannot fully know yourself without knowing your dark side and embracing your shadow. Such wholeness breeds wisdom and the ability to experience the full range of what it means to be human.** 7.) Your beliefs limit you: “If you adopt an idea or perception as the absolute truth, you close the door of your mind. Attachment to views, attachment to ideas, attachment to perceptions are the biggest obstacle to truth.” ~The Buddha Your beliefs are incredibly restricting. You’ve been indoctrinated to think that you need to believe. Even worse, you’ve been brainwashed to believe more than you think. In the battle against bewitchment, all beliefs, no matter how powerful or well-intended, are a hinderance to clear thought and self-improvement. **Better to think rather than believe. Thinking that something might be true allows for error, fallibility, and wrongness. Believing that something is certainly true cuts us off from all other possibilities. Belief is all or nothing, predicated upon faith despite facts or evidence. Thought is open-ended, taking beliefs, facts, and evidence into deep consideration and then using probability and validity to discover the truth.** More importantly, thinking rather than believing allows for skepticism and questioning. It is considered blasphemous to question a belief. Whereas questioning a thought is considered appropriate. Might as well just skip belief altogether and simply take things into thoughtful consideration. 8.) You are culturally conditioned: “When war turns whole populations into sleepwalkers, outlaws don’t join forces with alarm clocks. Outlaws, like poets, rearrange the nightmare.” ~Tom Robbins You are programmed to think a certain way. This programming has propped-up your identity into perceiving a particular worldview that may or may not be based in reality. It might not even be healthy. This identity tied up in your worldview is an abstraction of an abstraction, a story within a story that you’ve convinced yourself is true. But you have the power to reprogram your programming. We are all conditioned by culture. The key is to become aware of it and to weigh our conditioning against the truth of reality. Then recondition the conditioning. We each have our own Plato’s Cave to navigate. The extent to which you can become aware of your own “cave” will be the extent of your flexibility, open-mindedness, and personal freedom. 9.) You know less than you think: “Some people are more certain of everything than I am of anything.” ~Robert Rubin You think you know more than you actually do. Your certainty about a great many things limits your imagination, creative thinking, and ability to question. It leads to dogmatic reasoning and close-mindedness. You are just so certain, aren’t you? **Your certitude is so powerful that you cannot see past your beliefs. Hung up on what you’ve found, you have given up the search. Your journey has come to an end. Your certainty has led you to a dead-end. You are stuck. And the only way out is to question what you think you know.** The more you question, the more you realize that the only answer that makes any sense is to keep questioning. When you stop questioning the journey for truth comes to an end and stagnation, sloth, and dogmatism begin to rule your world. Keep things in perspective by accepting that you know less than you think you do and keep questioning. 10.) Your life is terribly inconsequential: “Don’t slip on the banana peel of nihilism, even while listening to the roar of Nothingness.” ~Lawrence Ferlinghetti When it comes down to it, your life is a flash in the pan. It’s dust in the cosmic wind. It’s an infinitesimally insignificant spark in an unfathomably dark, unforgiving, and meaningless universe. But it is a spark. What you do won’t matter in the grand scheme of things. But it’s very important that you do it anyway. Why? Because **you are the universe attempting to become aware of itself**. You are an awareness machine in an otherwise unaware cosmos. You are a meaning-generator in a reality void of meaning. **You might be nothing more than a speck in the universe, but you are also the entire universe in a speck**. Either way, you will one day be dust. Your tiny insignificant life will end. Face that fleetingness with a fierceness. Laugh into the abyss. Face fear with fearlessness. Climb the highest mountain and kick God in the nuts. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. Or not. None of it will matter in the end. You will still be the butt-end of the cosmic joke. It’s all laughable. So you might as well have a laugh. Gary Z McGee, Self-inflicted Philosophy