It'll be better tomorrow - 100

Preface: I hate to finish off the #100days challenge with a note of melancholy (pun intended) but this is, at its heart, a log of my thoughts. And this is how I'm feeling right now.

Sometimes I just have to say that it'll be better tomorrow. Especially at nighttime, and especially when I am burned out. This is one of those nights.

This always happens at the end of a long grind. (I think I'm much more suited to a quarter system, i.e. schedule with fall, winter, and spring courses, as well as an optional summer course, than I am a semester system) It's been twelve weeks, soon to be thirteen, since I've had a break, andt feels like none of my shit is fun anymore, like everything is just passing me by, and I cant get anything done, like one, chapter-long run-on sentence, that has ups and downs and plot developments but ultimately once I'm done I barely remember what happened during that blur of words and letters.

There is truly nothing I can do right now to feel better.

I just need to experience the feelings, let them run their course, and when they're done let them go. (Also get more sleep.) But while I'm in the middle of it all, I need to get out of my own mind just so that I can do the bare minimum and not fall behind on everything - and that's the time for relinquishing control. While not sustainable long-term, doing that is a great way for me to keep moving through rough times. Though, my idea of 'relinqishing control' has changed over time, and at this point it's pretty much just a weird psychological technique where I pretend I am controlled by some wiser being making good decisions for me, and then just start doing those things mechanically without thinking about them. It allows me to get away from the emotions, just set them aside for a little, and get done what needs to get done.

Anyway, I think that's it for me tonight. Tomorrow's a new day - I hope both of ours are good.


Edit: I'm almost crying after clicking 'publish to blog.' I don't know why - it's mostly been fun, and never of particular issue - but... I guess that's what happens when you finish a long project. Also I'm deprived of sleep so that probably helps.

Just.. holy shit, I did it.

We're getting there - 99

It's been a third of a year. Yet I don't really remember it.

There's a delicate balance to be achieved between keeping myself sane with routines and making memories and remembering my own life. Too much routine, and time becomes a blur; too little and I become depressed. I am, after all, a creature of habit. The problem is that my life is passing me by, and I don't feel like I have anything to show for it. I guess that's why I take on so many projects and responsibilities - if I'm going to be in extreme habits, I may as well have something to show for it - but that takes away from my happiness. See last post.

I'm pursuing something. I don't know what it is, but I'm pursuing it and pursuing it blindly. 99 days of writing hasn't gotten me any closer - and I don't even remember most of what I wrote, or where or when I wrote it, unless I go back and read over my posts. That may simply be because this 'mesoblog' has existed disconnected from my life (mostly) and more as a floating log of thoughts, but I believe there's something much more to it.

I want to continue to do this, as well as quantified self, keeping a journal, etc. But I'm burned out, and don't know if I can keep writing every day. It feels like a sort of time-consuming chore at this point. When I don't feel like I have 'time' for writing, it's really difficult to get done. I doubt I would keep writing habitually if I didn't do this nightly, or even if I had higher-quality posts. I guess I need to make time for it.

Anyway, it's past my bedtime. Tomorrow's day 100. And it'll be just like any other day.


My own happiness - 98

In the long run, I'm thinking that I care more about my own happiness than anything else. Having fun, hanging out with friends, focusing on myself.

I care about knowledge, not because of some mysterious drive, but because it makes me happy to understand the world better. I try to socialize a lot, not because it makes me more intelligent, but because it makes me happy to be around others. I take walks in nature, usually, not because they make my focus deeper, but because the peace makes me happy. I think that my values power my happiness fundamentally, but other than that what I truly care about is rarely some higher values and more about my own, down-on-earth smiles.

I'm resisting the urge to categorize types of happiness. I think I care about it either way.


Refueling - 97

I need to spend more time on myself. I think that's the only way I can make it through when I feel exhausted like I do right now. Social interaction is my fuel, I guess.


Waking up on weekends, and waking up early in general - 96

I always hate waking up early the night before, since I want to stay up late. Once I'm up, though, I'm happy, and that carries on throughout the day. It is the opposite with waking up late; I'm happy at night, and then unhappy when I get up.

There's got to be a happy medium, but I'm still trying to identify it.

Things Feel Different - 95

My feelings about my life vary during the day. In the mornings, I don't feel like doing anything; over lunch, I'm excited; in the evening, I'm content, and at night, I'm unhappy again. This is a cycle that I have to keep in mind whenever I want to complain about having too much to do, but it's also making it difficult for me to identify whether I am burned out or just suffering from nighttime blues. Regardless, I don't feel like doing anything most of the time.

Blessing in Disguise - 94

I got injured this week, and it's forcing me to learn to relax and slow down. I'm off of most of my responsibilities, and I've had to start stretching, rolling it out, etc. I've still gone to a few practices, just to show I'm committed, but I'm off my normal schedule in general

But this has actually been a blessing in disguise. Having to stop using my lower body has meant I do setter exercises during volleyball practice; now I've been offered the position of setter on my volleyball team.

Keeping my head up during hard situations will let me take advantage of any good that comes from it.


Track Results - 93

I've been tracking my time for two weeks now, and I'm happy about it. Being able to see (semi-accurate) quantifications of how I actually spend my time is great! It's also very useful for me to think about how I could improve my habits.

Changing my time habits is something that I think this will help a lot with. Being able to look and see that, 'well, over the past 14 days, I have racked up 13 hours of time spent in what I would call a 'wasted' way, such as looking at trends on twitter' is hopefully going to be very useful in changing my habits.
Knowing that I average almost an hour a day of wasted time and that it's mostly concentrated on the weekends is very useful information; I can now act on that to try and change the way that I spend my weekend.

It's a little bit of a burden, having to constantly set new timers, but I think the more I do it the more I will be able to make it flow.

Also, tomorrow marks the beginning of my final week on #100days. Let's... make it count, I guess?


The last week + 2 days - 92

It frustrates me that my last week(ish) in the #100days challenge is coming at a bad time in terms of motivation for me. I have a break coming up, and 'm burning out on, well, doing things. #100days is fun stuff for me, but I'm finding myself without the motivation to actually get up and get it done. I'm constantly having to make up days.

Maybe with habits it's better to let missed time go, right? I'm trying to minimize friction, and the knowledge that it will be a lot of work once I start will certainly create a lot of friction.


Minimalism isn't friendly, and it's not that fun after a while in some cases. - 91

Exactly what the title said. I had a very minimalist, pure gray-and-white phone setup for a few weeks. It was nice initially, but eventually made me want to stop using my phone. I've realized that, while useful in a lot of cases - such as a room organization philosophy - minimalism is actually not very friendly. I wouldn't want to spend my life in a modern, minimalist house, nor would I really want to use an app that was pure minimalism.

I guess this is a good design philosophy: minimal doesn't mean friendly, per se, and we should make efforts to make things such as websites, apps, and products, long-term friendly (lmao)


Fulfillment - 90

I've got stuff constantly on my schedule, things that need to be completed, but none of it really feels fulfilling to me. I don't know why I do it - I guess it's fun - but all this stuff is just exhausting. I feel like I don't have any time to think - everything's just happening to me, and I'm just going along with it.


Goals before action - 89

It's a simple, obvious thing, but I find myself not doing it, a lot: setting a goal for what I want to get done before I start doing.

For example, trying to figure out a notes system. Rather than setting out the things that I want the system to do, and then either researching or building my own system, I have just read and read and read about different systems, none of which are particularly helpful when I don't know what I'm trying to do with the system.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm realizing its importance everywhere:

  • talking to friends online: what do we want to do? catch up? have good conversations? mess around?
  • spending my weekends: what do I want to achieve? work? get outside and do something?
  • forming habits: what do I want my habits to help me with? healthier sleep? better diet? more focus on mental health? all of the above and more? ...and on, and on, and on.

I guess it could be called "spending your life intentionally." The only problem here is that, after a while, setting intentions for things gets tiring. Everything does. :P


Plain Anger - 88

I've been feeling a lot more anger than normal this week. My expectations of the world - that things shouldn't suck - obviously show my immaturity, and these expectations are causing me problems, I guess.

Everything just seems to be going so fucking wrong. Schedules aren't matching up, I'm having to make decisions I don't want to make, I'm being bogged down by meaningless bullshit, I'm not getting what I expected out of my school. Two of my classes are absolute shit, and every single thing the teacher does seems to piss me off. People are uncooperative, I have to go to events and be engaging and such, I have to wake up early, I have to prepare for two tests next week, I haven't had time to relax, etc etc etc etc etc etc. My usual mechanism for getting perspective, zooming out and thinking about the world and how insignificant I am, just makes me even more angry at this point, since I think about how fucking stupid people are and the fact that humanity will probably end up destroying itself.

It's not useful for me to be angry about these things. That doesn't mean that I feel like I can help it. I feel plain anger when all I want is peace.


Running out of steam - 87

I'm running out of steam in these last few days of daily writing. I'm still having thoughts, coming up with ideas in the same way - what's changed is the amount of time I have to write. I've had to make up for missed days twice just this week; though this is probably an unnaturally difficult week for me, I still don't feel like things are where they should be. I know it sounds stupid, but needing to add 15 minutes to the end of my night is sometimes just too much. This is something that I've done for fun, and hope to continue to do, but I think something will have to change if I'm going to keep writing on weekdays.


Looking Ahead, Implemented - 86

I've started giving myself incentives to get myself to do things I don't want to do, and as it turns out it's really effective!

Each night I give myself some time to watch YouTube videos while I get ready for bed. It makes me excited to go to bed, and it makes me happy and helps me release the stress of the day. I've been in bed before 11 for the past three nights, once even before 10:30 because of it. That's something that was previously an extremely rare occurance!

I've also scheduled in some time for myself to hang out with a close friend of mine, every friday night. I keep looking forward to that, no matter how dull, exhausting, stressful, or all three my day gets. It's brightened up my week subtly.

If this keeps working long-term - which I hope it will - I think that my life will be generally significantly better.


Looking Ahead - 85

Last week, though it was similar in schedule to pretty much every other routine week I've had, was a lot more fun than others. It's because I had something coming up to look forward to. I went up to the mountains for the weekend and skiied(if that's how you spell it) for a total of 13 hours! During the whole week leading up to the event, I was excited, which made my week a lot better. I think if I apply that philosophy of giving myself things to look forward to elsewhere, I can get significant quality of life improvements - and have more fun - without much cost.