March 25, 2021•408 words
Preface: I hate to finish off the #100days challenge with a note of melancholy (pun intended) but this is, at its heart, a log of my thoughts. And this is how I'm feeling right now.
Sometimes I just have to say that it'll be better tomorrow. Especially at nighttime, and especially when I am burned out. This is one of those nights.
This always happens at the end of a long grind. (I think I'm much more suited to a quarter system, i.e. schedule with fall, winter, and spring courses, as well as an optional summer course, than I am a semester system) It's been twelve weeks, soon to be thirteen, since I've had a break, andt feels like none of my shit is fun anymore, like everything is just passing me by, and I cant get anything done, like one, chapter-long run-on sentence, that has ups and downs and plot developments but ultimately once I'm done I barely remember what happened during that blur of words and letters.
There is truly nothing I can do right now to feel better.
I just need to experience the feelings, let them run their course, and when they're done let them go. (Also get more sleep.) But while I'm in the middle of it all, I need to get out of my own mind just so that I can do the bare minimum and not fall behind on everything - and that's the time for relinquishing control. While not sustainable long-term, doing that is a great way for me to keep moving through rough times. Though, my idea of 'relinqishing control' has changed over time, and at this point it's pretty much just a weird psychological technique where I pretend I am controlled by some wiser being making good decisions for me, and then just start doing those things mechanically without thinking about them. It allows me to get away from the emotions, just set them aside for a little, and get done what needs to get done.
Anyway, I think that's it for me tonight. Tomorrow's a new day - I hope both of ours are good.
Edit: I'm almost crying after clicking 'publish to blog.' I don't know why - it's mostly been fun, and never of particular issue - but... I guess that's what happens when you finish a long project. Also I'm deprived of sleep so that probably helps.
Just.. holy shit, I did it.