June 19, 2019•390 words
I received a little package of LSD in the post today. It looked like a standard letter, but contained a few tabs in a plastic bag.
I had some recollections of past psychedelic experiences in therapy today. Looking back at these experiences with a fresh perspective, I can notice disturbing or even frightful moments that I had previously glossed over. Taking a full psychedelic trip feels very much like "returning home", in that one's quotidian ego-defenses drop temporarily and one feels more in touch with oneself. It's silly, what I do in everyday life just to feel stable and together, when it just collapses in the midst of a psychedelic trip and the neglected heart of my life makes its presence known. I felt very much in touch with myself during those times, celebrating that feeling of "wholeness" through tears of joy and sentimentality. Old memories took on a precious, fulfilling quality. "Me" felt very real. My loneliness was greatly amplified during the tail-ends of my past trips, however, and I found myself missing past girlfriends for the first time and recognising just how badly I treat myself in "normal" life. The thought that I would soon return to these patterns of soul-numbing self-abuse disturbed me, and tears of genuine self-compassion were shed in solidarity with my true Self, from whom I knew I would soon be departing. Sobered up, I put those moments out of my mind and soldiered on through my difficult daily life in the same old way: hiding myself from everybody, myself included.
Today I bought a small vial with an eyedropper, and carefully measured drops of vodka into it. I'd like to be accurate and work with round numbers, so I'm choosing to measure my doses with drops as I don't have a ml syringe.
I've never had a full-on LSD experience, only taking small doses twice in my life. I barely noticed an effect, which I suspect was partly due to expecting something "huge" given the drug's classic reputation. Microdosing to supplement my regular daily routine should make me more sensitive to subtle shifts in my thinking. Recommended microdoses for beginners start at 10μg, so I'll be measuring out the requisite drops into my morning orange juice or tea tomorrow; that should be more than enough time for the LSD to disperse into the vodka.