dose: 15 drops liquid psilocybin ...

No dose today. I find myself able to actually look at my past self, and the self-hatred I harboured, as well as the closed-off attitude towards the world, and to actually smile and laugh instead of feel terrified and despairing. I smile and laugh not out of cruelty but because of how off-base I was, how unneccessary all that pain was, and how easily it can be shifted. It's amazing how attitude, how self-compassion and light-heartedness, truly are simple choices one can make. I'm maneuvering ar...

Yesterday I dosed 30 drops psilocybin liquid in the morning and 10 in the afternoon just before I went to a music festival to see a friend perform in his band. It was something of a rollercoaster of emotions, but which ultimately led to several very key personal victories. Despite waves of anxiety at the prospect of having to catch a public bus and taking a trip out of the city to an outdoor music festival, I made good conversation with people and maintained my sense of self-worth. I noticed ne...

No dose today. This morning, I'm noticing with heightened clarity the back foot that I'm constantly taking in society in general. I'm always in an "amber alert", expecting traumatic experiences in interpersonal encounters. I notice that even with my family I feel threatened, with parents not quite acknowledging my autonomy or my ability to overcome challenges myself. I know that the way forward is to perceive their worry and anxiety as indicative of their own problems, not mine. I notice threa...

dose: 20 drops liquid psilocybin I've noticed hateful and impatient thoughts returning. My mind seems to want to distance itself from people, to see them as stupid, in order elevate myself above them. I feel cold, distant, detached, impatient, irritable, scornful. I do realise that around 5 days ago I took large doses of LSD and psilocybin, which may have contributed to this especially "enlightened" afterglow I experienced a few days afterwards, which I wrote about yesterday. I hope I can co...

It's been a while since I updated this blog. I've been more or less sticking to the same regimen of around 15-20 drops of psilocybin every 2-3 days, with a few large doses of psilocybin and LSD last week as an experiment. What's been happening to me lately is pretty incredible. My mind, which seems to have been suffering from a kind of arrested development for so long, seems to have "matured" profoundly quickly over the last few weeks. In tandem with microdosing, I visited the countryside to s...

I'm feeling very positive about life. I realise that it's not about "tallying up" positives vs. negatives about myself in order to feel good. Rather, nothing I have done or will ever do should impinge upon "taking it easy" on myself, being my own friend, being compassionate, understanding, forgiving, and encouraging. The Buddhist doctrine of emptiness has helped me to understand my Selflessness (on a rudimentary level), and I can suddenly see how I cling to everything I do as though it were 100...

dose 7 - 20 drops of psilocybin liquid The benefits of microdosing certainly come and go. During therapy this morning I felt very energetic and "up in the clouds", slightly avoidant. Avoidant of being open and honest with myself and with her. I think I had too much energy which became converted to frustration. Perhaps I should consider smaller doses in the future -- 15 drops, next time. Yesterday however (on an off day from microdosing), we had an extremely productive session. I had dosed a la...

dose 6 - 20 drops of psilocybin liquid The psilocybin definitely makes me more outgoing, more willing to venture outside. Talking to people is so much easier, spontaneous. My therapist noted that I seemed agitated, however. She has second thoughts, worried that I will become lost in religious or grandiose thinking. I had an epiphany yesterday morning upon waking up. I suddenly could see the way I had been conducting my inner life for so long (from early adolescence until last year), and could ...

I had some very creative moments in the past few days. Not just this, but I was more vigilant about noticing my tendencies to escape myself and my reality into intellectual and creative abstractions. I was able to look at myself with compassion, to tell myself that I can't just keep boxing myself into an obsessive, lonely cage to try to feel good about myself. A soft sadness comes at the realisation of this. It's time to change things up, to notice the patterns, to take better care of myself and...

dose 4 - 30 drops of liquid psilocybin Psilocybin feels very different to acid. Much less supremely sharp focus, rather a more hazy, drunk feeling. I feel more sociable, more at ease, more able to enjoy the outside world. ...

I dosed 7.5μg LSD the day before yesterday. I've been focusing very heavily on a new creative pursuit, which has turned out very intricate and complex, made with much more spontaneity and sure-handedness than almost anything I've made in the past. The experience has been exhilarating, with the LSD definitely making me more open to "flow states" and with clearer access to complex creative intuition. I feel that I am able to see my past with more forgiveness, more compassion, more solidarity wi...

dose 2 - 7.5μg I drank 3 beers last night with some friends and woke up to a sunny morning, feeling in high spirits. Dosed 7.5μg LSD (half of the 1st dose) this morning out of curiosity to see how I'd carry myself through the day. I went for a walk to a nearby park where many people were enjoying their Saturday morning. I took a book along. Colours seemed more vivid. When a little girl (girl scout?) approached me to hand me a leaflet, I was a little startled, but thanked her and accepted it. I ...

No dose today. I will be dosing a smaller amount - about 5-10μg - on Sunday, probably (the day after tomorrow). I barely ate all day, didn't get out of bed until about 3PM. Felt very low, thoughts racing to my childhood. I tried to make myself cry several times and managed to let some emotion out. Upon reflection I think yesterday was an important experience, that feeling of anxiety. However I let myself get wrapped up in it and failed to maintain any kind of wise objectivity. I should embrace ...

dose 1 - 15μg LSD Not a great start, as I spent a large portion of yesterday drinking spirits. I woke up with a hangover and proceeded to dose 15μg, which I think was too much. I find it difficult to differentiate between the effects of the hangover and the drug itself. Alcohol is the absolute worst thing for my anxiety as it puts me into auto-pilot, or tunnel-vision, in which my automatic anxious thoughts can get the better of me much more easily. I will cease consumption of hard alcohol for ...

I received a little package of LSD in the post today. It looked like a standard letter, but contained a few tabs in a plastic bag. I had some recollections of past psychedelic experiences in therapy today. Looking back at these experiences with a fresh perspective, I can notice disturbing or even frightful moments that I had previously glossed over. Taking a full psychedelic trip feels very much like "returning home", in that one's quotidian ego-defenses drop temporarily and one feels more in t...

I've taken psychedelics (mushrooms in particular) many times, and while the experiences were eye-opening, none of them had any long-lasting mental health promoting effects. Why not? I suspect because I just wasn't interested in my own mental hygiene at the time. Like anything, these things can be used for good or bad depending on how the user exercises his or her will. In my early 20's I had a very blasé attitude towards my own mental health and what I chose to put into my body and why. While I...

After some reading online, I've learned that LSD and magic mushrooms are the two most popular substances with which to microdose. They have different affects on the consciousness when microdosed, with mushrooms described as "earthy" and LSD as "crisp". From The Third Wave: Mushrooms tend to dissolve the ego by immersing the user in their surroundings, which can be real or imagined. They promote deep introspection and meditation. It’s likely you will feel a deeper connection to, and understand...

This is a public journal about my attempt to treat a lifelong depressive outlook by, among many other things, microdosing illicit psychoactive substances. I've decided to make my endeavours public since microdosing is still fairly unexplored (and even taboo) territory in the modern West. If you're interested in mental health, introspection, observations about work, social, and family life in the 21st Century Western world, and how microdosing psychoactive substances can influence one's journey...