phase 1, day 15

dose 7 - 20 drops of psilocybin liquid

The benefits of microdosing certainly come and go. During therapy this morning I felt very energetic and "up in the clouds", slightly avoidant. Avoidant of being open and honest with myself and with her. I think I had too much energy which became converted to frustration. Perhaps I should consider smaller doses in the future -- 15 drops, next time.

Yesterday however (on an off day from microdosing), we had an extremely productive session. I had dosed a large amount of THC the night before and had arrived at a series of very profound realisations. I realised that I had pissed off a lot of people in my life almost like clockwork since around 10 years ago. I had made people cry, withdraw from me, dislike me intently. I noticed that I am the single person in this world who can observe such a pattern and truly be honest with myself and come to terms with it. I think previously to that, I had moved all around the world for a "fresh start", not realising that by ignoring my pattern of behaviours (in the belief that meeting new people somehow wiped that slate clean), I would only repeat the negative cycle.

I also watched a documentary that evening about Michael Palin in North Korea and found it absolutely fascinating, connecting deeply with the personal stories of both the urban dwellers of that country and its simpler rural people. I felt a deep human connection that really stuck with me and made me want to engage in the world of people.

The session yesterday was very spontaneous, open, honest, and I feel that a lot of very beautiful (and hopefully lasting) connections were made, both within myself and between my therapist and I.

I saw that acceptance and forgiveness of every aspect of myself is absolutely key to feeling like I can connect to others in a genuine and deep way. I saw that I had perhaps been overplaying my role as "patient" to my therapist, getting extremely involved with her as one of my only outlets for social contact, and how this kind of obsessive fixation is not conducive to getting to a place where I eventually can break off from therapy altogether. I saw how distant I have been from all people in trying to hide myself under layer and layer of performance.

During that session my therapist was very engaged, and softly pressed me to recognise the depth of my knowledge and understanding of what underlies my particular inability to connect to people. This seemed to be a tipping point in my progress, and she wanted me to softly accept and understand myself. The angst, the frustration, the anxiety of not knowing -- these things, she said, are holding me back. And I knew this. But I told her, "it's going to take some time". A pregnant pause passed between us as we looked into each others eyes, and she nodded in a way that seemed somewhat deflated to me.

Today, however, while full of energy, I seemed to feel it necessary to lead the session into angry, frustrated rants about my perceived psychological handicaps starting very early in life. I felt isolated, misunderstood, frustrated and angry with myself, unable to accept it. It felt good to express myself as "against the world", "alone in my experience", and so on. It was an indulgence that I hope to overcome soon.

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