dosing.me

@dosingme

I'm a guy in his late-20's recently shaken by a major depressive episode brought on by lifelong styles of thinking. I'm earnestly seeking self-compassion through psychodynamic therapy, lifestyle changes, and microdosing psychedelics.

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phase 1, day 13

dose 6 - 20 drops of psilocybin liquid

The psilocybin definitely makes me more outgoing, more willing to venture outside. Talking to people is so much easier, spontaneous. My therapist noted that I seemed agitated, however. She has second thoughts, worried that I will become lost in religious or grandiose thinking.

I had an epiphany yesterday morning upon waking up. I suddenly could see the way I had been conducting my inner life for so long (from early adolescence until last year), and could see with insight and intuition how it has led to where I am now. My fear of people becoming self-imposed isolation, this then turning into hate and envy of others. I knew that a secure, happy person would not have these paranoid fears of others. He wouldn't see happy, confident people and feel nothing but inward envy, tearing them down in his mind and blowing himself up to be grandiose. I saw all this with an intuitive clarity that is hard to convey in words.

I knew at that moment that love was the way forward. I've made a commitment to grow my capacity for love and compassion. I find great pleasure in Buddhist texts, particularly ones written by the Dalai Lama. Without losing myself in abstraction, I want to lean into that transition from fear, anxiety, envy and hate, into love and compassion.

I feel myself able to notice my own thoughts and to step back from them as an impartial observer, a slight smile of understanding on my lips. This insight and observation is key to change. My own hateful and envious thoughts feel more and more foreign as they become clearer to me.


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