phase 1, day 2
June 21, 2019•221 words
No dose today. I will be dosing a smaller amount - about 5-10μg - on Sunday, probably (the day after tomorrow).
I barely ate all day, didn't get out of bed until about 3PM. Felt very low, thoughts racing to my childhood. I tried to make myself cry several times and managed to let some emotion out. Upon reflection I think yesterday was an important experience, that feeling of anxiety. However I let myself get wrapped up in it and failed to maintain any kind of wise objectivity. I should embrace those feelings, not panic and wallow in them or try to escape them, feeling completely hopeless. I feel I need a guide during those moments.
Something that stands out to me from yesterday was my perception of my inner experience being "arbitrary" -- that is, not arbitrary to myself, but in the context of broader human nature. I was able to see that things don't have to be that way, that others may be shocked at learning how my mind works every single day, and that they may not relate to it much. This felt important and eye-opening, albeit frustrating.
Lying in bed all day feels awful to do. I need to get back into a routine and find reasons to leave the apartment, even if I don't want to.