dosing.me

@dosingme

I'm a guy in his late-20's recently shaken by a major depressive episode brought on by lifelong styles of thinking. I'm earnestly seeking self-compassion through psychodynamic therapy, lifestyle changes, and microdosing psychedelics.

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phase 1, day 3

dose 2 - 7.5μg

I drank 3 beers last night with some friends and woke up to a sunny morning, feeling in high spirits. Dosed 7.5μg LSD (half of the 1st dose) this morning out of curiosity to see how I'd carry myself through the day. I went for a walk to a nearby park where many people were enjoying their Saturday morning. I took a book along. Colours seemed more vivid. When a little girl (girl scout?) approached me to hand me a leaflet, I was a little startled, but thanked her and accepted it. I noticed how skittish I feel around people, how out of place.

I enjoyed reading the book, which is about the intersection between Buddhism and Western psychotherapy. A friend unexpectedly called me, and we spoke about her relationship issues at length. I felt empathetic and philosophical. Her pain hurt me, and I wanted to soothe her with some wisdom I had just been reading about. I feel as though I said some helpful things, and she was grateful and happy to talk to me.

I feel introspective and like I can observe my avoidance of pain much more easily. It struck me with much clarity that the majority of my life has been focused around avoiding pain by anticipating it in every encounter, every relationship, and even alone with myself. An overactive imagination has observed pain in almost every corner of my existence in order to "intelligently" diminish its effects, or even avoid it. The result of this mindset has been the opposite: the dulling of every joy, the heightening of anxiety, and the self-fulfilling prophetic power of pessimism.

I had some interesting observations about my attitude towards the Buddhist doctrine of accepting pain and suffering. With an overactive, desperate approach to this doctrine, my mind may automatically do such things as to "force" pain upon myself because it's "good for me". I could try hard to actually FEEL pain, again in an effort to "get it all out of me", AKA to avoid it more. Avoidance is the key trait here, as even a bad attitude at a healthy mindset can be an attempt to find shortcuts.


I would say that today's dose, taken in an already very good mood, was excellent. The quantity seems perfect. I felt energetic and happy the entire day, but perhaps not as clear-headed as I'd have liked (diet? drinking the night before?). I pursued creative endeavours all day and could focus and enjoy it. I laughed a lot (alone) and enjoyed venturing outside. I spoke to several friends on the phone and felt enjoyment from them, as well as empathy and closeness.


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