June 15, 2019•836 words
This is a public journal about my attempt to treat a lifelong depressive outlook by, among many other things, microdosing illicit psychoactive substances.
I've decided to make my endeavours public since microdosing is still fairly unexplored (and even taboo) territory in the modern West.
If you're interested in mental health, introspection, observations about work, social, and family life in the 21st Century Western world, and how microdosing psychoactive substances can influence one's journey to form new relationships to and gain fresh understandings of the above, I hope you get something out of this blog. "Render me proficient, if not at least useful".
"Microdosing", as I will refer to it here, is the act of taking "subperceptual" (very small) doses of psychoactive substances, such as LSD or magic mushrooms. As opposed to a normal dose, which may have dramatic effects on the senses and ego, microdoses are intended to supplement one's daily functioning to increase creativity and openness in problem-solving. It seems to be a burgeoning trend in the Western world, with a growing proportion of people using it for various reasons. The world of psychology has taken an interest in it and various studies have been published, but due to the presently illicit nature of psychedelics, it is still understudied and underutilised.
For a general overview on microdosing, I recommend this article.
A little background about myself (as of the time of writing):
- I'm a Western European guy in his late-20's. I'm around 75KG and 180cm.
- I recently became an expat in a country I've never lived in before, where I don't know anybody.
- I currently work in a creative industry from home.
- I am a sensitive and perceptive person, and have suffered from what could be called depression and anxiety for most of my life. I have chosen to live a solitary life, occupying myself with abstract ideas and developing creative skills.
- I had a major depressive episode beginning around one year ago, the result of lifelong defense mechanisms suddenly no longer being adequate in the face of life circumstances. It left me alternating between the extreme lows and extreme numbness I feel today. I realised I have to face painful things that I have been (subconsciously) avoiding for a very long time, which is a slow, deliberate process. I'm solving lifelong feelings of inadequacy, oversensitivity to external dangers, guilt about my own desires, and emotional distance from myself and others.
- I have been undergoing psychodynamic psychotherapy for around 7 months, which I thoroughly enjoy, and during which time many insights have been rapidly made. I have taken an interest in psychology (for the first time), and am interested in being mindful and observant of my own "inner monologues".
Presently I'm undergoing mood swings with a general trend upward. "Upward", as I would define it, is greater insight into my Self, leading to a relief from tension and anxiety and to more spontaneity and light-heartedness in daily life. I'm focusing on broad personality changes through insight, which I am developing primarily through developing self-awareness and discussion with a psychodynamic psychotherapist.
why I'm microdosing
My decision to try microdosing came around one week ago when a friend of mine mentioned taking magic mushrooms in a new and novel way -- a small dose in a few drops of liquid, or a tincture. The dark web was mentioned. I am an impulsive person, and being a fan of magic mushrooms and curious about the "dark web" my curiosity led me to explore online. Maybe getting "high" on psychedelics (something I haven't done in years) will help me out of this rut, and give my journey to self-discovery a boost?
Some hours later I discovered something called "microdosing". I had a revelation and immediately decided to try it. I believe a healthy attitude to microdosing is not that of a "magic pill", but rather a catalyst to insight and creative problem-solving. I've seen many people online describe it as having either worsened their anxiety, or "magically" removing it, only to have old feelings return upon ceasing their regular doses. "Why isn't it working for me?" they often ask. It doesn't strike them that the worsening of their anxiety may in fact be a desirable outcome, something making itself known to be confronted and dealt with -- and perhaps insights need seeking out and lessons learned in order to see long-lasting effects off the drug.
I find my intellectual understanding racing ahead of my subconscious internalisation of valuable insights, and being an impatient person, I'd like to see if I can chemically activate my own neuroplasticity and expedite the process of opening up to the world and myself on every level.
I haven't yet started my microdosing experiment. I have ordered the requisite substances from the dark web and am waiting for their arrival in the post. This journal intends to document the specific effect that I hope microdosing will have in breaking a stagnant routine by promoting creative problem-solving and insight.