phase 1, day 8

I dosed 7.5μg LSD the day before yesterday.

I've been focusing very heavily on a new creative pursuit, which has turned out very intricate and complex, made with much more spontaneity and sure-handedness than almost anything I've made in the past.

The experience has been exhilarating, with the LSD definitely making me more open to "flow states" and with clearer access to complex creative intuition.

I feel that I am able to see my past with more forgiveness, more compassion, more solidarity with myself. There was a certain sense of liberation in looking back and feeling like I can close that long, sad chapter of my life.

However, today's therapy session revealed that I was still "up in the clouds". My therapist pointed out I was running from direct communication with her, which was true. All human interaction feels like a vie for social dominance. For superiority in some way or other, or rather a complex constellation of interrelating superiorities. Aloofness is valued to me, emotion appears weak and vulnerable. "Do you feel this even with me?" my therapist asked. Yes, I said, everybody. She made an empathetic facial expression.

Reaching out to people feels dangerous, and like a huge effort. By default everybody feels wary, avoidant, cold. By reaching out, I spin the chamber and play Russian Roulette.

My liquid psilocybin arrived recently, so I will be trying my first dose of that tomorrow morning.

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