The Form of Emptiness

some nights before falling asleep, a feeling of emptiness lays itself over the last thoughts of the day. an emptiness not easily described by a singular emotion. to say it invoked sadness, despair, welcome melancholia, simple lust, unwelcome longing or even joy would be as wrong as to say it does not. many hours have i spent studying this mental state, yet not gotten closer to a satisfying description.

however, i do know whence it comes: this emptiness crawls into my hearth from the empty half of the bed, where i obviously wished someone to be. not a specific individual, yet not devoid of features either - gender queer or a queer male.

tough this detail is unnecessary for the thought at hand, that, which has been echoing around my mind in the last weeks (or months?):

not a singular thing of real importance ever eludes my focusing some adequate amount of energy, dedication, ingenuity or creativity on it. obviously temporal and physically-energetic constraints apply and also mould the schedule by which these things are pursued. and yet, even though the mind regularly dreams up this emptiness and seemingly wishes it to be tackled, no such focus, not even the tiniest thought or action pertaining to the resolve of the issue can be found - even in traces - on my mind or schedule.

instead, an opposite, if you want to call it such, is in fact perceptible: a sensation of meaninglessness and unattainability. meaninglessness not in a buddhist, or nihilistic connotation. queer as it might sound: this is unparalleled in my experience, my realm of thought and sensation.

more importantly though: it is not but unparalleled but rather develops to a strain or pain unenjoyable at times. time and time again it seems impossible to find comfort and rest in the experience - this alone forms a distressing situation which might well be mirrored by stronger audible high pitched hallucinations which I have experienced for years, due to an early nervous breakdown in my youth. however, this is just conjecture without any supported facts and - more importantly - i have traced these to other, more mundane sources recently.

"there is always a next, harder challenge to ones equanimity", a fact i am quite familiar with. yet have i never found myself in a situation with such an utter disinterest of resolve. finding calm in the experience has proven increasingly hard. and yet the other way does not seem a real alternative: it seems as if the situation sought for cannot possibly be realized. to this end, i shall try and put to paper the form of this emptiness.

In-Form-ation

to fit the emptiness said persona should be present at times yet not too often. no relevant dependence (emotional, sexual, ...) arises on their part since they know the way and are free to peruse their desires. they should not have a need for and need to adhere or cling to humanist or capitalist infused models of relationships or social protocol. most importantly though: they must not perceive me as male or in any similar simplistic fashion.

the task of finding a fit seems impossible, since i have rarely met individuals understanding my stance regarding relationships and sexual practice. some mistake it for a masculine flavoured animalism, others for a purely intellectual exercise in using the correct terms. neither of which are true. how would one find individuals fitting the description?

interestingly the importance of the adherence to this scheme is rather growing than shrinking with the passge of time. which either signifies an increasing mystification/idealisation or an increasing awareness that anything else would not be worth the inevitable toll on social life and work such acquaintances bring with them. i suspect it might even be both.

from this account, i gather that this last question sould be the prime subject of concern to resolve this mystery around the stated inactivity. i shall return once adequate thought was devoted to it. maybe i shall also expand on some of the sections in time.